Delectables with Dan: CherryBlossom Maddness Cake! (Dan&Phil Inspired Cake)

Hey guys!

Kind of a tempo change from the last blog, I know, but expect that here on Mental Masturbation if you don't already. Since it's mid-April (already? I can't fucking believe this shit.) I'm going to be doing a Dan and Phil inspired cake. I know I said I wasn't going to, but I'm eating my words with this one. Why? Because people don't like my shit enough on its own. There. Said it. Let's move on so I can get this little piece of Hell out of my way and go back to bed. Not going to bother linking the shop because all of the calendars are sold out.

LET'S MAKE CAKE 

For the base of the cake, it's a cherry chip cake. To make one of these is relatively simple. Add a drop of rose/ pink coloured food colouring to a vanilla cake mix. Yeah, that's where you get that nice colour from. For the cherry flavour stir in 3 (or 4 depending on your taste) of cherry extract flavouring. This can sometimes be a pain in the balls to find, but simple enough on Amazon or other sorts of baking sites. Once you've stirred that flavouring into the mix, to get those little colour pops you see in the photo below stir in some hot pink sprinkle bits. What the fuck is it actually called? Kinda looks like sugar, but aren't exactly sprinkle? We're gonna go with fairy dust. Dump in a nice amount of that. Go crazy! Go wild! As much as you want!! 

Then mix up a regular vanilla cake mix. You'll need that for the other layer of the cake. Separate the two batters out. You will need 1 cupcake for the top (your flavour choice, I went with the cherry). Make up some extra cupcakes in case something goes haywire or some PIG BEAST comes along and snorts up your cupcake before you have the chance to use it.  Put it in to bake at the standard cake temperature, you all should know what that is now. I'm tired of always having to put that in here. If you don't know it, use Google. Remember decrease temperature for dark pans. You'll get a lot of cake so keep that in mind. I suppose I could have divided a single cake batter and flavoured one half, but where's the fun in that? And less cake to throw at assholes too.

Grease your baking tins and pour in your cake batter. I did a mini cake for this one, but you can use normal sized tins, it really doesn't matter. I did this to try and be special and stand out from the pack. Didn't work. Never works. I'm not special. We're all just a bunch of not special fuckers!! Ah, right, sorry about that out little outburst there. Let's put this shit in to bake, shall we? Put the cupcakes on top, the cake on the bottom. They should take roughly about the same amount of time to bake, I guess they did. I was high when I was doing this so my memory is a little teeny bit hazy.

Once they come out of the oven, pop the cakes into the fridge to cool. That way you can tap those little bastards out (like I wish I could get all these fuckers out of my house) and re-grease them and use them to bake up the rest of the batter. I don't know what happened to the rest of my cake actually. I wonder where it went. No doubt the hog beast the roams through from time to time inhaled it. I bet he didn't even taste it. Make sure the cake is cool before you go to ice it. You're going to need three types of icing and light pink fondant for this next part. If you don't have light pink fondant, relax, you can just ice it in light pink icing. You're going to need a pink icing, a white icing and a chocolate icing. You can make them like I did, but assuming most of you are lazy and 90% of you don't even try to make these recipes, I'm not going to waste my time typing out how to make the icings. Just get them at a store and add pink food colouring to some of the white. Sorted. 

Slap those two mini-cakes together or regular cakes, whatever using the pink icing. OR don't doesn't really fucking matter to me at all. Just ignore me like always. Once you've done that you need to roll out your fondant. As you can see below I made mine, there it is all sticky and shit, but most of you have the attention span of a gnat, so buy some. If they don't have pink you can easily colour it with food colouring using the palest pink around. Um, what else? Stretch it out, you know like those jeans you climb into every morning. Strech the fondant as thin as the jean's material is over your ass and thighs. Drape it over the cake, cutting away any extra on the bottom as you smooth the fondant out. If you get a wrinkle in yours, don't worry, hide it with a cherry blossom tree we're going to ice on this bitch in a minute. 

What did I start with next? I don't remember so from here on out, I'm winging it based on the photos I took.I think I started with the tree. That's what the chocolate icing is for, using it as the base of the tree. Use a star tip, medium thickness I guess, whatever you got will do ya, and ice up a tree on the side of the cake. Do one on each side of the cake, do yourself four trees, although I only did three.  Why did I only do three? I ran out of chocolate icing is the truth. Next, you're going to ice a nice little border of white icing around the bottom. I couldn't find my round tip so I went with the stupid wavy-thingie tip which only added to the shittiness of the cake. Hopefully, yours will be prettier than mine. Next, we turn our attention to the pink icing. 

As you can see here the tops or the trees sneak onto the top of the cake. Don't worry, we're going to be covering that brown with pink. For some reason pink and brown together always make me think of an asshole. I won't apologise for that. Speaking of this cake and calendars, I wonder why I even have one. Not like anyone wants me around for anything, so no dates to remember. I don't even show up to most of my doctor's appointments anymore because I just don't care. She doesn't care. I don't care. It's a big waste of time for everyone involved. She doesn't care if I die. I don't care if I die. It's a win-win if both she and I stay home watching The X-Files and masturbating. And hey! You can use any extra icing you have for that. Talk about a win-win here. Using the star tit-tip one again, ice around the top of the cake in little happy stars. I like that the icing tool sometimes makes a fart noise. I had to stop and laugh once or twice as I was icing away here. Ice over the brown of the tree. Switch that nozzle out for a small round one (which I found after I'd done the baselining of the cake in white with that shitty tip.) And ice some blossoms onto your tree. Tree or four little squirts of pink icing on the branch. Make it look just as it does in Japan. Add as many as you want. I was lazy with this. I could have gone all out like I'd originally planned with this cake, but shit fell through and it didn't happen. 

Oh right, the cupcake centre piece. Almost forgot that. Using one of the flavours you so desire, ice a nice little mountain of icing on top there, put a dollop of the icing on it's asshole so that it will stick to the cake and plop that mother in the centre for a perfect eyegrabber. There we go. If I missed something I really don't care at this point. 

I know the cake looks like shit, that it's crowded and crappy, but whatever. I just don't care anymore. Tired of trying for no results at all. People don't share or comment on these blogs, so really whats the point? These were supposed to help me with making friends, but they haven't. Don't be surprised if I don't blog one day, just means I've finally offed myself. Won't make much difference though; nobody wants me around. I once heard someone say that they love the internet because you can find people on there with the same interests and you can make friends-wrong. I've tried so so long and it's just not in the cards for me. Sorry for trying. Sorry for wanting to be a friend to someone.