Christ Tales Take 2

The last time I published some content like this, it was right before Christmas and upset a lot of people. I was planning to release this material right before Easter, but I decided to let people have this holiday… don’t worry, I’ll be back to ruin Christmas again this year. Don’t need to fret about that. I was filling the creative itch to dig back up into this old material and came up with a few more humdingers to add. Who knows? This might turn into a series all on its own! 

In this episode, jealousy, envy and at least two more of the 7 Deadly Sins are explored with Peter, who’s tired of Jesus stealing all the limelight, so he commits identity theft and dresses up as Jesus. Unable to grow a beard of his own, he pays his sister 5 gold coins to shave her bush and help him glue it to his upper lip and chin. The masses (and flies) flock to see what Jesus’s new message and Peter finds himself in a pickle when he struggles to remember some of Jesus’s older material. 

Our pal Judas decides to take up sand-skiing as a way to work out his frustrations and aggression in a healthy manner. His plan to de-stress and de-rage goes three sheets to the wind when one of his skis strikes a rock and he ends face first into a pile of camel dung. Following this unwanted faecal facial, Judas becomes a political activist and his first call of change is for a “clean up after to your pet” law. He becomes the first openly gay man in Judea to hold a place in office, bringing change to the people of Judea and starting a "Who Has The Better Garden" contest with the neighbouring town Agrabah. 

After the great E. Coli outbreak a few weeks back, our friend James is still struggling with tummy issues. His new girlfriend can no longer handle the noxious gases he’s polluting the bedroom air with, so she forces him to see the local physician/wizard. The physician/wizard informs James that he has to perform a rectal exam and inserts his hand into Jame’s asshole and begins feeling around. The pressure and motion deep inside his ass stimulates James and without warning gives him an erection. The fun (and screaming) begins when his nagging and impatient wife decides that he’s been in the exam room too long and bursts in to see James with a hard-on and a man’s first in his anus. 

Following the anally induced erection, James’s wife, Adriel, decides that she needs to spend some time with her sister to figure out her marriage and redefine her boundaries. James, who’s now struggling with the entire event begins to question his sexuality so he rings his brother John and the two lads go out on a bender, waking up days later in the cave house of banished men, one missing a kidney and the other missing his appendix. The two struggle home only to be met with the rage of their women and the threat of divorce. 

Misunderstanding and stereotypes rain supreme in this latest episode as Matthew rebels against his father, Matthew Sr, informing him that he doesn’t want to be a fisherman, but an artist. Matthew Sr, who’s behind with the times, believes that his son is coming out to him and a misguided attempt at understanding his gay son takes him a few towns over to experiment at the first openly gay bar in the desert. The father and son duo become horrified when they take in a show that includes an anal Portuguese Breakfast and a reach around. Matthew Sr learns that it’s really about art, not about sexuality. 

Jesus gets into trouble with his mum when she finds out that he's been going to the local brothels; Mother Mary gets an eye-opener when Jesus sneaks out of the hut and heads to the brothel and she finds him engaging the minds of the women, not their....services. She listens as he gives the women pep talks on self-esteem and encourages them to find partners who are supportive of them. He teaches the women what girl power is all about and brags to the women that his mother is the Mother Madonna. The girls whisper anxiously and begin to flock around Christ outside of the brothel and Peter, whose jealousy is still burning bright takes a swing out the club The Bearded Clam. 

Jesus and Peter end up in prison for the night to think about their actions outside the club. During their reflection time, Peter makes friends with his cellmate and learns about the wonders of meditation. His peace and tranquillity fly out the window when Jesus mentions what a wonder that creation of his father's was and he just knew it would help bring peace. Peter is sentenced to community service for his second attack on Jesus in less than a day, meanwhile, Jesus is reprimanded by his mother for being an insufferable know-it-all.