What's Eating Danny Grape?

Since today, I already did a therapy themed blog, I decided why not add this one as well? This is a thing that's bothered me for the longest time and I just need to get it out of me. Maybe by talking more openly about this issue, I'll be able to start overcoming it. (Though it's possible that it could push me over the edge and I'll fall into a vortex of insanity.)

So many people are familiar with the popular 90’s film What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. They marvel at DiCarprio’s acting or cream their panties over a young Johnny Depp. And then there’s me. I’m terrified of the film. I saw it once and by the end of it I was almost completely paralysed with fear. I didn't eat for a few days afterwards. It completely threw me out of orbit. It still does when I think about the film. Sometimes even the title of it is enough to through me into a state of panic.

It’s the mother that scares me. I have a crippling fear-possibly a phobia of morbidly obese people. I think about her, I see her vividly in my head and I just want to scream. I get so worked up, I'm almost brought to tears and I cant breathe.  I see her as my future and it's the worst possible fear that I could ever be faced with. There's no escaping food. You need to eat to live. I don't want to. I wish I never had to eat. I worry that I'll lose my control and will end up like her. I saw the way the people made fun of her for her size, how she was miserable in so many ways. I don't want that for myself. I can't handle any more misery. Sometimes in my head, I picture her as me, or me as her and I start to have panic attacks. I can't even look in a mirror most days.

There is actually a term for a fear of fat people; Cacomorphobia which is derived from Greek. Chubby people, I love, as you all know but like giant people, I just can’t do. It sets off almost crippling panic attacks and makes me not want to eat. It ties into my Poreescophobia (which is a fear of gaining weight.) Pretty much my entire life, since I was about 10 or so I’ve had a crippling fear of gaining weight. I’m horrified at the idea of me being fat. I’ve had several instances in my life where bullying influenced this fear both inside and outside of the home. I was shamed for being ultra skinny. I was shammed for growing. I was shamed for my hunger and bullied for it. I got an endless stream of negative comments from my mother, siblings and classmates despite not actually being "fat". I was bigger than most of them because I was taller. I was ridiculed and humiliated. As normal with many teenagers, weight gain is normal when you start to become an adult. I got shit from my mother that still rings through me today. "You'd be attractive if you lost 15 pounds. Nobody wants to date the fat one. Nobody is attracted to fat people. Maybe you'd get the attention you want if you were thinner. It's not good for you either." Great. Great, thanks, mum. As if the jokes from my classmates about my sexuality weren't enough, they seemed to pick up on that fear and I started getting called names dealing with my weight. "Fatty, lardo, tubby, fat fanny boy." The list does on. I still think of myself in those terms. I'm so fucking disgusted with and by myself. 

I didn't eat in school after the age of 9. I was too ashamed and afraid. I barely managed breakfast in the morning, but that ended around the time I was 13 or 14 and that was also the time I discovered the magical secrets of self-induced vomiting. Later on, I began using laxatives, would drink Epsom salts and would search out things at the chemist that would make me vomit because my throat was getting so sore from sticking my toothbrush down there in order to induce vomiting. Things were getting out of control, but I didn't say anything. No one knew a thing but me. I've always been ashamed of my size, constantly worrying that I'm huge. I see myself inside fat people and believe that I look like them. I fear that I will be bigger than then or that I am. 


Actually, it greatly impacts my quality of life. It’s funny that I run a baking blog when I really don’t enjoy food all that much and often have trouble with food. More often than not, eating makes me feel disgusting and shameful and it's more than just about weight or control. It’s also not being made fun of or further instances of humiliation and rejection, but it’s that I don’t deserve it.My lack of self-worth helps to fuel this idea that I don’t deserve to eat or “treat” beverages. 

I worry that no matter what I do I will end up like the mother in the story. I can't watch weigh-related shows. I tried watching Supersize vs Superskinny and I did alright with that for a little bit, but then I just couldn't handle it. I saw the horrid things people said about the heavy people and I just screamed. I laid on the floor screaming and crying that if I ever opened up on the internet like they did I'd be shamed and ridiculed even further than I was in school. It's not just a fear of ending up huge its the stigma and health problems that come with it. I get a lot of shit about my mental illness, and when I took certain meds for them they made me gain quite a bit of weight. The entire time I was in panic. My doctors didn't understand that the anxiety was coming from the fear of the weight gain and gaining more weight. They gave me other pills. I stopped taking them all together. I reasoned that I may be depressed but at least I'm not fat. It led to a relapse in binging and purging, obsession with calories and restricting. It got to the point where I'd do exercise eating nothing. I was starving myself, physically was exhausted, getting driven farther up the wall by the number on the scale. In the first month alone of this routine, I lost over a stone of weight. My doctor was impressed I'd shifted that and gave me praise for getting into a healthy lifestyle and coping...she had no idea that I wasn't coping, I was back to living a dangerous lifestyle and I was nowhere near healthy. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I still know what I do is wrong. I have one of the worst diets out there. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I don't eat all day and if I do it's not much, sometimes I go days without eating. I've gone so far as to throw it out of my window so it looks like I ate something so no one will ask questions. I hate food. Nothing tastes good. I know the taste ties into my depressed mood, it's not the unenjoyment of eating.  If I do eat anything, it's one meal at night and sometimes it's not the healthiest. I crave things, deny them and drive myself even more mental. Most days I survive the entire day on calorie and sugar-free drinks, coffee or tea and water. I'm driven insane by the number on the scale. It doesn't match what I am. I don't feel that photos reflect my size. It's a constant struggle that only adds to my fear. I should bring this up with my therapist, but I'm unsure how to approach it. I'm ashamed. Then there's the added part where I don't feel that I qualify for help.