Ghost Towns

It's two weeks into the new year and already I've experienced such deep sorrow with little bursts of joy. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to get better, then I start to slip. Sometimes I wake up with a great mindset other times it's going to sleep that I have a great mindset. Right now my mind is caught up in the possibility of all the great adventures that I want to have. Snorkel in Australia, visit the pyramids in Peru, run across the plains of Mongolia. I've been to a lot of places, but there are so many more that I want to visit. I've got an atlas stretched out beside me, tea stains and all-yes, I'm old school when it comes to travel. So much of me just wants to get up and run. Ever since I was a little kid, I've had this desire to just be free, wild and loose. Escape. Escape my family. Escape my situation. Escape my illness. To just find some level of peace, while at the same time experiencing all that I'm able to. Sometimes I gaze longingly over travel guides and magazines, much like other people look at Playboy/Playgirl. Travel is my romance. Probably my first true love. Despite the ups and downs that I've had in my life, mainly the last 10 years, I've done some incredible travel. I've seen some of the most amazing sights of the world and I ache to see more. Behind me, I've got a giant map marked with pins of places that I dream of going. There's over 50 of them. Multicoloured dots coat the surface of the world's face and I don't think I'll be able to see them all, but I want to try. I guess I need to try. I need to fight this hopelessness. 

And then I think of Anja. All the places that we wanted to see together. All the plans that we had. Sometimes I run through the times that we had and just feel a swilling emptiness at all that we weren't able to do. I can't be angry with her. I can't fault her. I know how she feels...felt. I suppose I can carry a part of her on my new adventures. I don't think I will ever not miss her. Its small and creeps into my mind at the smallest and sometimes oddest times. 

I need to get out of here. I need to clear my head for my mental health. Just take some time and collect the pieces of who and what I am, find some of them, I don't know. I just need to focus on me. Away from everything and everyone. I need to think. I need to plan things. I need to find some sort of direction and focus outside of him...all-consuming him. I'm literally burning up for him, which is not a good thing for either of is. Our shyness and crippling doubts will only push us into a corner neither of us wants to be in or belong in. New experiences, new horizons might help us to breathe a little easier; I know it will help me to breathe a little easier. People have compared me to a man that I will never be able to compete with. He's on another level entirely. He's handsome. He's intellectual. He's charming. Beautiful inside and out. I'm not. And the worst part? I'm hopelessly in love with the bloke. 

I honestly feel like I'm going nowhere; that my best efforts aren't good enough. What most people don't understand is, it's not an exaggeration. It's constantly drilled into me by the actions and words of those around me and by those who claim to love me. I don't but that much stock into of vocally expressed emotion since for me it's always been a lie. 

It feels as if I'm living in a ghost town. I can't engage with those around me. I can't be sustained with the hollow, vapour like substances that fill every room in my home. How am I to handle these increasing feelings of isolation when I've never really had a sustainable relationship? I need to think. If not for myself, for him. I need to find where I belong. I need to find a new level of understanding.

I need some time to write also. I've got a lot that I want to get out, need in some ways to get out. I think a nice change of scenery will help me with that. The last few weeks I've been thinking. I can't spend my life waiting for something to happen, waiting hoping or trying to change things with the same shitty tools.  I need to let go and just experience like I did before. I can't be caught up in the smaller things like I usually am. 

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