BULIMIC BIBLE VERSE 1-3
I truly am bulimic. I've got my hands on everyone else's plate and now I am left to clean up the mess that I've made. I gobbled up all her compliments and right before I had the chance to digest them, I stuck my fingers down my throat spilt them all out all over the floor. With me, nothing ever lasts. It's all just a temporary rush. In and out within 15 minutes. I'm not exactly sure what it is that made me this way. Maybe a part of me doesn't want to know why. In the 13 years that I've been doing this, I've realised that bulimia is not just about food, weight and control. It's about compliments, viewpoints of self and other and the internal struggles of depression.
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My heartbeat is low and rhythmic in the dark, in perfect harmony with the tears staining my face. The darkness surrounds me, cloaking me from sight; I'm thankful for it, for I cannot bear any more shame. I wish I could stop the tears, but I don't know how. I don't know how there is any liquid still left in me. I expect my veins will begin to disintegrate, turning to powder within me. My lungs are soaked with the moisture of my tears and I am left in a paralytic silence. I stare emptily into the night, wondering how I found my way into this forest of internal decay.
I'm laying naked on my bed; completely exposed and vulnerable. I've never been seen in this state before. I've never opened myself up to this level of intimacy before. It feels awkward and my silence isn't helping matters. My chest heaves with anxiety and my cheeks flush red with fear. My friend is staring at my naked body with such intensity that I fear it will begin to burn me. Her eyes dance over every inch of my skin; the inked, the scarred, the marked and the fresh wounds. If she could only see my humiliation…but I need her to see. Something inside of me is telling me that she needs to see this.
She needs to see this if she wants to be with me. I can't hide away like I always have. Comfort isn't always comfort, especially if it's keeping me alone, deepening my isolation.
It's only been a few minutes since she pulled my shirt off me. She was wordless as my arms fell out of the sleeves. She eyes my oversized and lardy hips, while I struggle not to cry. Why did I even do this to myself? Why do I really need her to see me? Can't I just hide in the lie of me a little longer? I want her to see me in the same light of perfection that I see her in. She never will after this. Her eyes linger on my stomach, staring into the deep abyss that is my belly button. Dear God, I hope she doesn't see my stomach churning. Bile is slowly making its way up my throat. I'm completely disgusted with myself and I don't know why I am allowing her to see me in this bare state. My thoughts race through me at the speed of light. Please don't let me vomit on him. That would be the end to this already unsexy encounter. My stretch marks glow in the soft light of my bedroom and I feel the cellulite bubbling on my already oversized thighs. She makes her way up to my breasts which remind me of soggy bags of bread dough. I can't look her in the eye after all she's seen, despite her best efforts.
She needs to see this if she wants to be with me. I can't hide away like I always have. Comfort isn't always comfort, especially if it's keeping me alone, deepening my isolation.
It's only been a few minutes since she pulled my shirt off me. She was wordless as my arms fell out of the sleeves. She eyes my oversized and lardy hips, while I struggle not to cry. Why did I even do this to myself? Why do I really need her to see me? Can't I just hide in the lie of me a little longer? I want her to see me in the same light of perfection that I see her in. She never will after this. Her eyes linger on my stomach, staring into the deep abyss that is my belly button. Dear God, I hope she doesn't see my stomach churning. Bile is slowly making its way up my throat. I'm completely disgusted with myself and I don't know why I am allowing her to see me in this bare state. My thoughts race through me at the speed of light. Please don't let me vomit on him. That would be the end to this already unsexy encounter. My stretch marks glow in the soft light of my bedroom and I feel the cellulite bubbling on my already oversized thighs. She makes her way up to my breasts which remind me of soggy bags of bread dough. I can't look her in the eye after all she's seen, despite her best efforts.
She finally gives up and her eyes once again make their way downward. Its a level of perversion I've never exposed myself to…I know she can see the demons deep inside. She can see the battles of Heaven and Hell playing out across my flesh. I don't want her to look down further…I don't want her to see my poor excuse for sexual organs. Actually, it's not just my own. I'm repulsed by all sexual organs. Maybe because I know the moronic weight that is pushed upon organs-masses of tissue.Maybe because I don't understand why so much is defined by organs and not a person's actual worth. I'm screaming inside, but I can't make a sound. I can't even begin to voice what's burning inside. I want her to stop. I want to scream out and run and hide. I want to hide this poor excuse for a body away from prying eyes. She wants to see every part of me and I can't for the life of me understand why. I open my legs slightly and let her see what I'm hiding. My squishy flesh is in my hands as I expose my complete body to her. She's silent for a moment before saying, "beautiful." I can't believe it to be true. She works her chubby and soft hands across my own pudge, murmuring and leaving a slow trail of kisses as she works her way up.
Who could ever love someone like me? After what feels like an eternity, she says that she has to go and panic begins to set in. I wave goodbye and assure her that everything is fine. As soon as I am out of her sight I collapse onto the floor, wanting so badly to slit my wrists, but I cannot find my blades. I beat my head into the ground and scream in frustration. I sound like a wounded animal and I'm making hideous noises, but there is no one around to hear them. I've lost my goddamn mind. I can't believe I've done this…I've exposed my most grotesque secret and I'm horrified by my actions. It replies over and over again in my mind. I begin to choke on panic and its hard to breathe. I've scared her away with my horrid appearance. Dear God, what have I done? I shouldn't have agreed to this. I should have kept my clothes on and made an excuse to escape. Why did I even do it? My pathetic attempts to be validated…my childlike desire to have a true friendship? To have someone know every part of me in ways that are all new to me? I should have known better…And she's gone away and for how long, I don't know, but I know why. The poor girl is probably in the bathroom gagging, wishing she could unsee all she saw. I wish she could have just been truthful to what she said instead of trying to make me feel better.
Who could ever love someone like me? After what feels like an eternity, she says that she has to go and panic begins to set in. I wave goodbye and assure her that everything is fine. As soon as I am out of her sight I collapse onto the floor, wanting so badly to slit my wrists, but I cannot find my blades. I beat my head into the ground and scream in frustration. I sound like a wounded animal and I'm making hideous noises, but there is no one around to hear them. I've lost my goddamn mind. I can't believe I've done this…I've exposed my most grotesque secret and I'm horrified by my actions. It replies over and over again in my mind. I begin to choke on panic and its hard to breathe. I've scared her away with my horrid appearance. Dear God, what have I done? I shouldn't have agreed to this. I should have kept my clothes on and made an excuse to escape. Why did I even do it? My pathetic attempts to be validated…my childlike desire to have a true friendship? To have someone know every part of me in ways that are all new to me? I should have known better…And she's gone away and for how long, I don't know, but I know why. The poor girl is probably in the bathroom gagging, wishing she could unsee all she saw. I wish she could have just been truthful to what she said instead of trying to make me feel better.
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