Green Eggs & Dan
I don't have many early memories, but this one I'm about to share with you is vivid and even moderately entertaining.
I was 6 years old and was supposed to be discovering the wonders of literature with the thrilling tale of Green Eggs & Ham by Dr Seuss. We later went on to read Horton Hears a Who and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. She thought it would be a great idea if we emerged ourselves in literature. I had no idea what that meant at the time, but I never thought it would involve me dressed in a furry green suit being forced to eat eggs and ham dyed green with food colouring.
I remember walking into the classroom to see that she'd decorated the entire room with a Dr Seuss theme. Pom-pom trees, bizarre, furry little creatures and the most unappetizing looking food. Everything was green. The juice, the fruit, the eggs and the meat. Green meat? I remember asking one of the classroom adults, "Do I really have to eat this?" The woman smiled down at me and said, "Why don't you try it? You never know you might like it?" "Why would I eat anything that's the colour of diarrhoea?" (I think I called it sick-tummy juice, but I can't be sure.) She told me to stop being such a Grinch, oh the irony there-if she could see me now-and to try things with my classmates. Classmates who I loathed. I didn't have one friend during that time. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I met Brandon. The other kids in the class didn't want to play with him because he was disabled and challenged. I didn't mind. I thought he was fun, except when he'd knock over my block towers or knock my juice out of my hands..I'll save Brandon for another day, back to the Seuess food.
I didn't understand why they needed to colour everything green. They even had this odd, otherworldy gelatin mould. I think it was even Grinch shaped. I sat down at my place and looked at the plate before me. Green tinted ham and runny greenish-brown scrambled egg. Even thinking about it now makes me want to vomit, actually. "Are you going to try, Mr Daniel?" "Is this Grinch meat? I've never seen green meet in the store before. Did you kill him to get this?" The woman almost had a stroke. "What? No! This isn't Grinch meat! Where would you get such an idea! You have quite the imagination!" "But you didn't tell me where you got it. Did you kill him for his flesh?" "Of course not! It's just green food colouring, sweetie. Its regular ham with that." "Are you sure?" "Yes. I'm sure. I made it myself. It would be rude if you didn't try it." "I think it's rude to force your meats upon me." I think she wanted to smack me. I know I'd want to smack a kid if they said that to me.
So, I sampled her Grinch meat. It tasted like deli ham with green oil. I'd love to be able to say that was the worst thing that I'd eaten that day, but I did sample the eggs in a vain attempt to be nice. They put something in there that should not have been in there. I've never had scrambled eggs taste so foul in my entire life. Thinking back to that day, 20 years ago has my stomach turning or that could just be the vodka and sugar-free cherry juice I'm swilling right now. It's the perfect compliment. Just enough bite without that the juice being sweet. The flavours tango together creating a symphony of flavour....unlike that green egg and shit I was forced to try those many moons ago. Thankfully, I can say that since that day, I've never been forced to endure such a horrific experience of that calibre. I ended up refusing to try any more of the homemade dishes and they rang my mum to tell her that I wasn't participating and behaving. Ah, that phone call. That was the start of many phone calls my mother would receive about my behaviour at school. Never fails to amuse me.
I didn't understand why they needed to colour everything green. They even had this odd, otherworldy gelatin mould. I think it was even Grinch shaped. I sat down at my place and looked at the plate before me. Green tinted ham and runny greenish-brown scrambled egg. Even thinking about it now makes me want to vomit, actually. "Are you going to try, Mr Daniel?" "Is this Grinch meat? I've never seen green meet in the store before. Did you kill him to get this?" The woman almost had a stroke. "What? No! This isn't Grinch meat! Where would you get such an idea! You have quite the imagination!" "But you didn't tell me where you got it. Did you kill him for his flesh?" "Of course not! It's just green food colouring, sweetie. Its regular ham with that." "Are you sure?" "Yes. I'm sure. I made it myself. It would be rude if you didn't try it." "I think it's rude to force your meats upon me." I think she wanted to smack me. I know I'd want to smack a kid if they said that to me.
So, I sampled her Grinch meat. It tasted like deli ham with green oil. I'd love to be able to say that was the worst thing that I'd eaten that day, but I did sample the eggs in a vain attempt to be nice. They put something in there that should not have been in there. I've never had scrambled eggs taste so foul in my entire life. Thinking back to that day, 20 years ago has my stomach turning or that could just be the vodka and sugar-free cherry juice I'm swilling right now. It's the perfect compliment. Just enough bite without that the juice being sweet. The flavours tango together creating a symphony of flavour....unlike that green egg and shit I was forced to try those many moons ago. Thankfully, I can say that since that day, I've never been forced to endure such a horrific experience of that calibre. I ended up refusing to try any more of the homemade dishes and they rang my mum to tell her that I wasn't participating and behaving. Ah, that phone call. That was the start of many phone calls my mother would receive about my behaviour at school. Never fails to amuse me.
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