Angels & Danny: An Experience with a Dan Brown Novel
I love Dan Brown's Robert Langdon series. I love how they draw you in, weaving facts, conspiracy and thrilling adventure in a modern day setting. I love how that the books are set in a plausible reality with places I can actually visit. I didn't always feel this way. When I was about 13 years old, my grandmother gave me a copy of Angels & Demons to read. She said she'd enjoyed the action-packed thriller and that I probably would too because I'm mature for my age and was interested in history. All I wanted was to find a new book to love and probably obsess over, but instead, I had my first panic attack.
I was sat outside under a tree, drinking in the warm waves of summer when the fear started setting in. The book was engaging and it was different from all the other books I'd read with possibly the exception of one or two. I knew that CERN was a real place and they did studies on anti-matter. I also knew a little bit about matter and anti-matter. I was no expert but I was able to put two and two together and the book explained pretty clearly what would happen if the two collided. Then it hit me like a heatwave. What if this was really happening? What if I'm not just reading a book? What if I'm watching this all unfold? What if I'm the only one who can see it? What if this isn't a regular book? What if I'm reading tales from the future? Is this the future? Is this going on now? What can I do to stop it? The world is going to explode! I broke out in a cold sweat and my head started spinning. I couldn't calm myself down. I'd convinced myself that Robert Langdon was a real person and he was trying to save the world before the antimatter in the tube would come into contact with matter causing an explosion. I'd convinced myself that I was about to die. I would die by an act of terrorism. I was still so young! I'd not finished growing yet. I hadn't experienced so many things! I still wanted to try tequila, drive a car and have sex. NOOOOO. I started screaming internally and from there it became a manifestation of sound that exploded from my mouth hole.
My heart was racing, I was sweating. I couldn't focus on anything else but the sheer panic that was filling me. Would the explosion reach me? If I made a bunker, would I be able to survive it? And if I did what would I do if I was the only person left? Surely that doesn't happen. That kind of shit is just for the movies, right? RIGHT?! In the house we lived in at the time, there was this little barn attached to it; Well, my parents called it a barn, but it was really a little structure under the lower level of the house that was partly underground. It was a place to store equipment and shit like that, Anyway, it was to become my bunker.
I abandoned the book and ran to my room to stuff my rucksack with important things and provisions. If I was going to be on my own I was going to need a lot of Coke, Ribena and Water. I stuffed one of my rucksacks with clothes, books and my teddy and filled the other with drinks and snacks. I grabbed the blankets I had from the storage bin and my duvet and headed to the "bunker" to wait and see if the world would end or if the explosion would reach me and damage civilization. Sitting waiting in the semi-darkness, letting cracks of light shine through the door I felt a little like Hitler. Sitting waiting to see what was happening. When I heard a commotion I could shut the door properly and protect myself. After a few hours, I realised that I'd not thought to tell anyone that I was here. What if they sent out a search party looking for survivors? Would they find me? What if I had no way out and I had to pull a Hitler? It was either that or die of thirst and or starvation. How could I shoot myself? No, how could I just kill myself? I started to breathe heavily, panic settling into my lungs once again. Why is this happening?! Focus, Daniel. Focus. Read a book, take your mind off things. You'll be okay. You'll live to watch Viva La Bam and music videos on YouTube again. You'll read your manga and watch your anime. Not wanting to adventure again with Robert just in case I was reading a future thingymajig, I opted for Narnia. ((You can't go wrong with the classics.))
I sat there reading for hours. No one came to look for me. No one noticed I was gone. After realising that no one noticed I was gone, I decided to emerge from the safety of my hidey-hole and see just what the fuck was going on. I poked my head through the door and saw that nothing had changed. The sky was still a warm summer blue with clouds lazily suspended. The clothesline was intact with the washing still hanging on it. Not even a flower in the small garden had been disturbed. It felt strangely artificial and for a minute I was spooked with the idea that this was somehow a fake bubble of reality; like in that Invader Zim episode, "The Planet Hi-Jackers". Then I wondered if I'd died and I was trapped in my last day alive and that I'd have to re-live it over and over again until time as I understood it stopped. Or that I'd have to re-live my life backwards. I was broken from this new little wave of panic when my mum poked her head out of the door and told me to take the wash in and quit fucking about.
"How long have I been gone?" "I didn't know you left. I thought you were just in your bedroom or something." "But I was gone for ages. All afternoon!" "Whatever, just bring the washing in and get ready to start dinner for me. And make sure those sheets are folded." She shut the door and I was left in a state of disillusionment. It took me a few moments to collect myself before I started to get the washing.
It took me a while to read that book. I was too afraid to pick it up. I didn't really know what had happened to me; All I knew was that I didn't want it to happen again. And for a while, I was pretty good with things until a year or so later and you all know what happened with that. That's an earlier blog that I did titled, "Danny vs Hell" That was a trip and a half and that one lasted much longer. That was more of a psychotic break, rather than a regular panic attack. I've had several, some really severe, other things no big deal throughout my life. Some have been over the tiniest things. Maybe I'll talk about them in a bit of detail on here. Dunno. Until next time.
My heart was racing, I was sweating. I couldn't focus on anything else but the sheer panic that was filling me. Would the explosion reach me? If I made a bunker, would I be able to survive it? And if I did what would I do if I was the only person left? Surely that doesn't happen. That kind of shit is just for the movies, right? RIGHT?! In the house we lived in at the time, there was this little barn attached to it; Well, my parents called it a barn, but it was really a little structure under the lower level of the house that was partly underground. It was a place to store equipment and shit like that, Anyway, it was to become my bunker.
I abandoned the book and ran to my room to stuff my rucksack with important things and provisions. If I was going to be on my own I was going to need a lot of Coke, Ribena and Water. I stuffed one of my rucksacks with clothes, books and my teddy and filled the other with drinks and snacks. I grabbed the blankets I had from the storage bin and my duvet and headed to the "bunker" to wait and see if the world would end or if the explosion would reach me and damage civilization. Sitting waiting in the semi-darkness, letting cracks of light shine through the door I felt a little like Hitler. Sitting waiting to see what was happening. When I heard a commotion I could shut the door properly and protect myself. After a few hours, I realised that I'd not thought to tell anyone that I was here. What if they sent out a search party looking for survivors? Would they find me? What if I had no way out and I had to pull a Hitler? It was either that or die of thirst and or starvation. How could I shoot myself? No, how could I just kill myself? I started to breathe heavily, panic settling into my lungs once again. Why is this happening?! Focus, Daniel. Focus. Read a book, take your mind off things. You'll be okay. You'll live to watch Viva La Bam and music videos on YouTube again. You'll read your manga and watch your anime. Not wanting to adventure again with Robert just in case I was reading a future thingymajig, I opted for Narnia. ((You can't go wrong with the classics.))
I sat there reading for hours. No one came to look for me. No one noticed I was gone. After realising that no one noticed I was gone, I decided to emerge from the safety of my hidey-hole and see just what the fuck was going on. I poked my head through the door and saw that nothing had changed. The sky was still a warm summer blue with clouds lazily suspended. The clothesline was intact with the washing still hanging on it. Not even a flower in the small garden had been disturbed. It felt strangely artificial and for a minute I was spooked with the idea that this was somehow a fake bubble of reality; like in that Invader Zim episode, "The Planet Hi-Jackers". Then I wondered if I'd died and I was trapped in my last day alive and that I'd have to re-live it over and over again until time as I understood it stopped. Or that I'd have to re-live my life backwards. I was broken from this new little wave of panic when my mum poked her head out of the door and told me to take the wash in and quit fucking about.
"How long have I been gone?" "I didn't know you left. I thought you were just in your bedroom or something." "But I was gone for ages. All afternoon!" "Whatever, just bring the washing in and get ready to start dinner for me. And make sure those sheets are folded." She shut the door and I was left in a state of disillusionment. It took me a few moments to collect myself before I started to get the washing.
It took me a while to read that book. I was too afraid to pick it up. I didn't really know what had happened to me; All I knew was that I didn't want it to happen again. And for a while, I was pretty good with things until a year or so later and you all know what happened with that. That's an earlier blog that I did titled, "Danny vs Hell" That was a trip and a half and that one lasted much longer. That was more of a psychotic break, rather than a regular panic attack. I've had several, some really severe, other things no big deal throughout my life. Some have been over the tiniest things. Maybe I'll talk about them in a bit of detail on here. Dunno. Until next time.
LINKS:
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Twitter: https://twitter.com/darkdreamingdan
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Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/anjathesickboy/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/darkdreamingdan
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/darkdreamingdaniel/
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