DRAMA LAMA: MANIC DEPRESSIVE CANNIBAL

I'm lost in a haze of anxiety and all I want to is let go.  
I'm wishing that I could be numb again rather than have to wade through the swirling 
sea of emotion that I've blindly dove into. I never expected to fall this hard. I've damn near splattered against the pavement with a high-velocity impact. I find myself awake once again at 3 am, my stomach churning with anxiety and on the verge of tears. Tears of anxiety; just another way of trying to release the tension inside of me. I feel all my muscles tight and sore. All I can do is wonder why I set the scene. Even sleep leaves me restless. 

I've got the tv on, the sound muted. The images dance around me in a kind of drug fueled haze, but I know it's nothing more than the byproduct of my exhausted brain. I thought that moment would change things and I'd be less anxious, but somehow I'm even more on edge.  I have given the boy the letter. I'm not even sure why I said boy, we're both grown adults. The word boy somehow is a preferable term; probably because it's a distraction that we are racing towards death at a sometimes alarming rate. Anway, now it's time to play a waiting game, but one of a different tune. I seemingly overlooked that fact. Preoccupation can be a blessing and a curse. I'm almost certain that if I worried about this version of the waiting game I'd have combusted.  The response. I'm hoping for one, some sort of response. The other part of me doesn't want to know. Maybe it's better if he never writes me at all...which is actually probably what's going to happen. I want to know. I'm dying to know. I'm dying not to know. 

Goddamn it mind make yourself up and leave me out of it. My mind has already started running about in circles, smacking itself with a cricket bat and clamouring. I wish I could take a deep breath and step outside myself. Or maybe someone will hit me with a cricket bat. I'm up for either of them. 

As these words pour from my fingertips to the page and then to the screen, I wonder if he has any inkling of how hard this was for me to do. How much of myself I sacrificed in order to do this? How much fear has eaten away at me? Now's the time to brace. This is the part where my heart shatters and I lose another piece of myself. I decided to put this under the 'Drama Lama' header because if this isn't some kind of daytime drama, I don't know what is.

This is me. I guess I care far more than I thought I did. I've never felt this level of emotional turmoil for another. That begs the question, 'Would you do it all over again?' And I think I would. I'd probably want to be slightly less tongue-tied and re-do those first three or four seconds of meeting. I feel better that he didn't pull away like I feared he would, he was engaging, soft and gently spoken to me. He stood close, I could feel his breathing. A symphony. 

There is one spot of light in this cloaking darkness. It's almost summer which means that it's just about harvesting season and all the women on Facebook who are pregnant are about to pop out a kid and I will no longer be bombarded by this 'pregnancy is beautiful' shiteola. And then people wonder why I'm not that big a fan of summer. It's when a lot of hanky panky goes on, you know not a lot of clothes wearing, the weather's hot and gets people horny and the inevitable happens. So, as the season of perpetual intercourse looms upon us remember folks, condoms, birth control, voodoo hag on the corner. Use any kind of birth control you want to and help keep the planet pollution free. 

LINKS
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Also, there will be another Wil and Friends Episode up in the next few weeks or so. It might be a whole one or a part one, So many ideas, no motivation to properly finish any of them.