Borderline Boy

I'm a fuck up. A constant fuck up.
Yes, I know it. I'm 100% aware of it. 

I'm always trying to put pieces together to see the complete picture,

but I have no idea what the completed image is supposed to look like. 

Each day feels as if it's a new assault on my senses.

I lack an inner core, a true identity.
I know and understand a few defining characteristics about myself,

but for the most part, everything is muddled and unclear.

Sometimes I can't even clearly define the emotion or emotions I'm

feeling. It leads to breakdowns of communication and relationships.

Sometimes people think that I'm trying to be difficult with them or won't

listen to reason. Logically, I understand. I can recognise at times that 

certain emotional responses are wrong for social reasons, but I can't 

do it for emotional reasons. How is it wrong to feel an emotion? 

I feel alone when trying to explain a feeling. It makes me seem alien to

the person I'm speaking to. 

I feel things with every fibre of my being. Or sometimes I feel nothing

at all. For me, these periods can be very brief and fleeting and other times

they last for weeks. I can experience other emotions under the main emotion

I'm feeling or state of mind that I'm in, but those rapidly change. They can 

change my external influences or internal influences. Sometimes I don't even

consciously see who or what is influencing me until much later or someone points

it out to me. 

In any type of relationship, I put myself into it 110% and when others don't return

the same level of commitment and or enthusiasm, I believe they don't really care about me.

I feel like I am nothing more than a puppet, a toy, a source of amusement for that person

and that everything leading up to this climax was a series of lies. They don't care. They didn't 

care and they never will care. I feel rejected, betrayed, devastated and angry. I don't

understand why people don't or won't return the same level of attention, affection or 

commitment to me. I wonder what makes me so unworthy of these things? I begin to fear

that the entire world is out to get me and the only thing I can do to protect myself is to

become angry and vicious, biting anyone who tries to get close.

I will sustain poor and abusive friendships. 

I will continue to engage with people that I dislike or even intensely hate.

All out of the fear of being completely alone.

Its the "better the devil you know, then the devil you don't" sort of mindset.

In some ways, I believe the person will change. I'm hopelessly optimistic 

over these sorts of things and run around with tissues and buckets of forgiveness

only to have the healing wound ripped open time and time again.

I never learn.
Maybe I'm incapable of learning. 

Sometimes violent acts against myself are the only way I know how to regulate the 

emotional agony that I'm experiencing.
I use self-harm as a way to obliterate the negativity and also leave me with 

something else to focus on, even if the moment is short lived. 

I can distract myself repeatedly by whacking at the cuts or pressing on the bruises.

I rely on my own brain chemistry to get me high and calm the turbulent waters. 

Other times I don't know why I feel this racing, pulsating need to do harm to

myself. I just know that it will make everything seem better.
I can't identify what I'm feeling, all I know is that it's causing me discomfort and

I don't want to feel it anymore. 

I've been low, but never to this level before.
I feel that I'm losing the few pieces of me that I have that I can actually

call my own.
The emotional devastation is causing me physical agony.

It's completely disruptive and has become destructive in entirely new ways.

I'm afraid to see what damage is underneath.
Why?
I'm afraid that I will see and there will be nothing that can be done about it.

I'd rather live not knowing.

I'd rather go about my day not knowing there is a piano overhead that is 

going to crush me do death at any given moment than add to the constant 

fear that I live in. 

But what if there is something that can be done?
And it's not too late?
What then? 

Do I really want to add to the laundry list of things I already have to

deal with on a daily basis?
Will it really be worth it in the end or should I just allow the damage

to consume me and kill me?

Where is the catharsis?