WIL & FRIENDS PRESENTS: GOT MILK?

Wil and Friends Presents: Got Milk

Today, I awoke to find that Nick had forgotten to go shopping and that there was not a drop of milk in the house. How the fuck am I supposed to eat my favourite breakfast without any milk? If my neighbour was home, I’d ask her for a squirt or two. Even though she’s just had a baby, she’s fit. The only thing that’s really stopping me from asking is that fact that her boyfriend is built like the Hulk and he’d twist me into a Wil-flavoured pretzel.

I look out the window to see that his car isn’t in the car park. I don’t think he’d mind if I borrowed a glass of milk; after all, he borrowed my hedge clippers and I’ve yet to get them back. I don’t know what he wanted with them, as he’s only got a little garden on his flat’s balcony.

Nick comes into the kitchen with the paper tucked under his arm. He tosses it onto the counter and heads over to the coffee pot. „Is this French of Columbian roast?“ I look at him in shock. „Tire’s going to be none of that foreign shite in this house! This is England this is!“ Nick looks at me. „Wil, Coffee isn’t grown in England. Every type of coffee we have here is imported.“ Him and that fucking Google! Making me look like a tit in my own home! I think quickly. „I know that. I was just testing you.“ I reach for the sliding door. „Where the fuck are you going at 9 in the morning? I didn’t think the strip clubs opened this early.“ I give him my worst look. „I’m going to get some milk.“ „Oh, well if you’re going to nip to the shops, we need bread.“ „I’m not going to Tesco! That's miles!“ Nick narrows his eyes. „You’re going to steal shit from the neighbours again, aren’t you?!“ He exclaims. „What do you mean again?“ I ask him, enjoying the exchange. „Didn’t you steal a bookshelf from the Vicar who lives down the street?“ „Yeah, but that was different. That was revenge.“ Nick’s mouth hangs open in horror and I slide through the door before he can say anything. I slide down the fire escape and tiptoe across the alley. I suppose I could have borrowed from someone else in the building, but it would be more awkward if I got caught. You don’t shit where you eat, you know.

I arrive on the 5th floor of the building and pull the screwdriver from my back pocket. I jimmy the lock open and listen for any movement in case they didn’t take the pocket rat with them. Silence. I glance around inside. The coast is clear. I slide carefully through the crack in the door and tip toe through the long, into the kitchen. They have the same layout that I have in the kitchen, just in reverse. I open the fridge and see little bottles of milk lined up right next to the eggs. HOT FUCK! I grab three bottles and slam the fridge shut. I pull my sleeve down and wipe my fingerprints off the fridge handle. These small bottles sure are convenient! What will they think of next? I haven’t seen these in Tesco…these might be an Asda thing or something. I’m careful to lock the door on my way out and wipe everything down before leaving. I’m in the lobby when I see arsehole’s car pull into his space.

I scramble up the fire escape and back into the kitchen where I find Nick eating fruit salad. The telly is blaring from the other room and I know Jason is awake. „Oh, got your milk, did you?“ Nick spears a strawberry. „No, I fiddled with my prostate and got this.“ Nick doesn’t look impressed. I set the bottles on the counter and move to the cabinet. „Ah, these little rice rings bring me such joy. You know, I think the Royal Navy uses these in them floaty things they throw in the sea.“ „You mean a life vest?“ „More like an anti-death vest.“ I mutter. Nick looks at me strangely before returning to his fruit salad. I set a bowl on the counter and dig my favourite spoon out of the drawer. Sitting across from him, I pour the cereal into the bowl.

„Nick, pass the sugar.“ He slides the sugar bowl over to me. I put three spoons of it into my coffee and take a sip. „Ah, the taste of victory.“ „Shouldn’t you say that after you’ve tasted the milk? That seems a bit more like tasting victory to me.“ He’s got a point. I sprinkle sugar over the little rice rings and take a big spoonful.

It tastes a bit funky. I chew it slowly, trying to figure out what tastes odd. Nick’s looking at me, curiosity etched into his face. „What? Victory doesn’t taste so sweet?“ „I…Does this taste a bit off to you?“ He takes the spoon from me. He chews for about 5 minutes and then swallows. „That does taste a bit funky. What the fuck did they put in this milk? Are you sure this is cow’s milk, mate?“ „Yeah, I mean what the fuck else would it be?“ I take another spoonful of cereal. „This doesn’t taste like cows milk, but I KNOW I’ve had it before.“ I’m about to swallow when it hits me. I spit out the chewed bits of cereal and milk, spraying the counter and Nick. „What the fuck did you do that for?“ He wipes bits of chewed cereal off his face. „Because I realised that I, well, WE, just consumed our neighbour’s breast milk.“ Nick’s face falls. „What?“ His voice is a death whisper. „No, no, you’re fucking with me just like you always do.“ „Not this time. „Well, how do you know what breast milk tastes like?“ „Because, Nick, I have tasted breast milk in my adult life.“ Nick puts up his hand to stop me. „I don’t want to know anymore.“ „But you can also say that sentence with truth, now too, just the reasons are a little different. „AAHAHAH!!“ Nick starts scrubbing his tongue with his sleeve. „FUCK!!“ „Let’s go gargle some bleach.“ „I’ll bring the video camera.“