Winkles Talks: Life with a Mate with a Mental Illness

Recently I asked my mate Winkles who's known me for 5 years what it's like having a best mate or even just a mate with a mental illness. I've always shared my viewpoints living with one, but this time, I decided to ask someone what it's like having to watch someone you know very well and care about live with a mental illness. Here she shares her thoughts on what it's like living with me, my mood swings, selfishness, insanity and suicidal idolisation.

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Becoming friends with people with severe mental health is a challenge to some degree but its also rewarding. You have gained a friend. Those friends can be enemies when they want to be, not just to you but also to themselves. When you become friends with these people, you cannot put them into a square or circle, it doesn’t work like that. One aspect of them can make them feel on top of the world and you are the reluctant second passenger on the rollercoaster to make sure it doesn’t topple over, another aspect can make them feel like they are in a deep whirlpool and you’re trying to make sure they keep hold of the rope that’s dangled down to them. I thought I knew quite a bit about mental health, I have seen it multiple times around me, and I have had my moments where nothing mattered, but Dan is something else. 

It's almost like Tetris with Dan, you’re never quite sure how he will be in a split second. Whilst I would want him to respect what I have to say more and actually listen when I am trying to help him, I know he cannot help it. It takes constant control to maintain a conversation as he flitters between one thing or another or he becomes obsessed with what other people, including me, finds insanely unhealthy. You are constantly having to remind him or tell him that some things are not good for him or his mental health, but only cause you to want to help. But Dan is one of the most inhumanely stubborn people in the world, so he doesn’t like to have his opinions and deep-set ideas corrected. 

He is also curious – or sometimes insanely creepy. He laughs inappropriately to the point you would think was that even funny and most of the time it isn’t. I was asked to explain or describe what it is like to have a friend with severe mental health issues. It is a constant worry and having to reassure, he likes to keep check of where you are, who you are with, and most of the time he doesn’t like the answer to the point he would be very angry about what you are doing even when it hasn’t got anything to do with him. I’ve mentioned control cause for someone with severe mental health, control wasn’t something they achieved for themselves o they are trying to regain it. Sometimes it is fear, sometimes it is controlled, sometimes it is childish intrigue. How having a friend with severe mental health issues effects a person, it differs from person to person. Given how flitterish Dan can be, it is almost as if you need a mental neck brace, or you are constantly having to have flashcards cause you tend to verbally vomit the same three sentences of “no I don’t think this is good for you”, “what are you doing now”, and “no I am not going anywhere”. When it’s a bad night, as I have counted a few in the past 5 years nearly, it is a constant state of panic and worry. There have been times I verbally vomited that a bad situation with Dan was happening to the people closest to him in travel-wise because he couldn’t pull himself back. 

Intelligent has its own trauma. You get bored or have a need to constantly correct people who are knowledgeable in this field. You are watching the world flit past them without not so much as a glance underneath the surface and it frustrates you because you cannot do more. Sometimes, you become exhausted mentally yourself or have to just nod your head in response. I have noticed Dan likes being the centre of a conversation when he is talking to me that it is difficult to have a proper conversation if you want to talk about something, like your own thoughts or your own difficulties of the day. There isn’t enough space between his words to fit in your own stuff into the conversation and even when you do, it reverts back to his opinion. Dan has a habit of not doing the best decisions, he’s self-destructive but refuses to listen if you are wanting to help him. I learnt that from day one. When you have a friend with severe mental health issues, you do tend to feel unappreciated, but you cannot show it. You can say it to them, but they do not like it and thinks you are blaming them. There have been times where you are needing to get on with your own stuff, but this doesn’t bow well with Dan in particular. 

When he has had a bad day, you get yelled at and shouted at and called all sorts of names because you had to learn for something that is really important to you, in one case it was an exam I had to take. There are multiple things you learn on the way and other things you wish you didn’t. It isn’t much you can do in situations such as this. A learning curve is all I can say, it is whether the person listens to what you have to say so it doesn’t feel like you are talking to a brick wall or you are waiting five minutes because a conversation actually starts. You get yelled at for calling when he is the one who yelps for you to call- whether this is out of concern or curiosity – most of the time it is out of boredom.

I have mentioned about moments of Dan’s self-doubt, terrible self-esteem. That’s obvious cause he keeps going back to his ex who is awful and lack of trust for anyone not even himself. When he is in these whirlpools of what can only be described as hell, there are moments where those bad decisions are considered the way out, or coping mechanisms which in anyone’s else mind, they are most definitely not. Whether it be the pills, a sharp object or a fabric of some kind to block the airway, it sends a ripple of panic. And when he disappears and you had no idea what he has done, you panic but you have to remain calm for other people, but internally you are freaking out yourself. Death is not a friend to anyone. Dan greets death like an old friend when he takes three steps towards helping himself out of his depression, 7 steps into the whirlpool can he go. It is constant panic, and when you try to talk about it, most of the times the words that come out from him are “meh” and “I am fine”. Never when these words have been uttered, I was happy with these responses. I know they are not true.