Have You Ever Been With A Man?
Just when I thought she ran out of ways to piss me off, she's back at it again with an entirely new way. My sexuality has always been a complex thing and it took me quite some time to come to terms with it and be prideful of who I am and the people that I'm attracted to. But explaining it to my rigid and stiff mum? Hell no. Remember the story from before about the first girlfriend? Yeah, we're back to something like that.
I asked her why she was mad I was with Anja. (I didn't bring up the other woman I had feelings for or flings with.) Her answer? She told that I have low self-esteem, a low opinion of myself and that I stayed with the same biological gender because it was a comfort...Um, what? No, I was with women because I found them attractive, not because I hate myself. And I didn't really hate myself for wanting to be with them either. I got over that before I actually had become close with these women. She straight asked me if I'd ever had sex with a man. I wanted to die. I don't want her knowing about what I get up to. That's just too much. Why does it matter if I've been with men or not? You can experience attraction to people without being with them. I know a few people who are bisexual that have only been with the opposite biological gender, never with the same biological gender but identify as bisexual. All still valid. I already know what she'd say if that was the case with me. "You just think you are for the attention or for the internet." I'm almost 30 fucking years old. I'm not 14 anymore. I know myself, my identity and my sexuality and she's over here ragging on me that I don't know myself and that's why I act like this. Excuse me? Act like this? Fuck her.
But that was a new one. I never heard that homosexuality or bisexuality being caused by low self-esteem or having a poor self-view point. I wanted to laugh. That was some of the idiotic and closed mind things I've ever heard in my life. She fucking implied I was lonely because I hate myself. It was as if she said I drive people away because I have issues with myself. It's just the opposite. I'm over sensitive and pull people into my orbit. I don't want to let them go. In a sense, I hoard people. Relationships for me have nothing to do with my self-esteem or self-worth, it's based on the attraction that I feel toward a person.
I explained to her that I can like men, be attracted to their personalities, but not be attracted to them sexually. And that I can be attracted to a woman sexually, but not be attracted to her personality. She didn't say anything after I explained that I was biologically programmed this way. She's finally come around on the bipolar disorder and accepts that it's genetic. I wish she'd accept that my sexuality is my own. If she hates it so much then maybe she should have thought about the possibility that one of her children could have been gay, bisexual, asexual, etc when she was having kids.
On a similar note, while she was ranting, spewing her hatred-laced thoughts, she was back harping that being transgender is a mental illness and it's made up crap. She thinks the people helping me are making me worse and using me as an ATM. She fails to see that I could leave anytime that I wanted to, but they are helping me. It's taking a bit of time because it can be hard to talk about certain things. She wouldn't know about that, she's never been to therapy. I think she should consider it. And then she wonders why I don't share things with her and don't want to talk to her. Just accept your child, Jesus Christ. I want to kill myself because I'm fucking. depressed and anxious, not because I'm a transsexual. Being out and having friends who accept me have made the feelings better. And I know transitioning will make me more of a whole person. Of course, I'll always have my illness, but I'll feel better.
I don't see why she can't see that being transgender is not just conditioned, but genetic, as well. Is it something that needs to be corrected by surgery and medication? Yes. Is it an illness? No. I see it as a way of expressing who you really are inside. It's a way of making yourself the best you that you want to be. She can get a tit job but I can't have top surgery? Hypocrite much. She'll never see anything than other than she wants to see.
But that was a new one. I never heard that homosexuality or bisexuality being caused by low self-esteem or having a poor self-view point. I wanted to laugh. That was some of the idiotic and closed mind things I've ever heard in my life. She fucking implied I was lonely because I hate myself. It was as if she said I drive people away because I have issues with myself. It's just the opposite. I'm over sensitive and pull people into my orbit. I don't want to let them go. In a sense, I hoard people. Relationships for me have nothing to do with my self-esteem or self-worth, it's based on the attraction that I feel toward a person.
I explained to her that I can like men, be attracted to their personalities, but not be attracted to them sexually. And that I can be attracted to a woman sexually, but not be attracted to her personality. She didn't say anything after I explained that I was biologically programmed this way. She's finally come around on the bipolar disorder and accepts that it's genetic. I wish she'd accept that my sexuality is my own. If she hates it so much then maybe she should have thought about the possibility that one of her children could have been gay, bisexual, asexual, etc when she was having kids.
On a similar note, while she was ranting, spewing her hatred-laced thoughts, she was back harping that being transgender is a mental illness and it's made up crap. She thinks the people helping me are making me worse and using me as an ATM. She fails to see that I could leave anytime that I wanted to, but they are helping me. It's taking a bit of time because it can be hard to talk about certain things. She wouldn't know about that, she's never been to therapy. I think she should consider it. And then she wonders why I don't share things with her and don't want to talk to her. Just accept your child, Jesus Christ. I want to kill myself because I'm fucking. depressed and anxious, not because I'm a transsexual. Being out and having friends who accept me have made the feelings better. And I know transitioning will make me more of a whole person. Of course, I'll always have my illness, but I'll feel better.
I don't see why she can't see that being transgender is not just conditioned, but genetic, as well. Is it something that needs to be corrected by surgery and medication? Yes. Is it an illness? No. I see it as a way of expressing who you really are inside. It's a way of making yourself the best you that you want to be. She can get a tit job but I can't have top surgery? Hypocrite much. She'll never see anything than other than she wants to see.
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