Delectables with Dan Presents: BAKED

I promised my friend I would make her a cake for her birthday; but me in my haste to unwind after a long and extremely frustrating day at work, sat down and enjoyed a few pieces of THC infused chocolate. It hit me about an hour later that I hadn't started baking her cake and her birthday was tomorrow. Oh shit. I head down the stairs, feeling my head floating away from my body. I needed to tie the balloon otherwise known as my head to my body with kitchen string before settling down to attempt the task of baking a birthday cake while being completely baked myself. This is not a vegan cake, as she's not a vegan and wanted a "real" cake. I gave in and didn't argue because I have no backbone when it comes to women screaming at me. I just want them to shut up as soon as possible. That being said, I set out to create the artistic vision in my weed rattled noggin. Oh yeah, I should probably tell you guys not to try this at home. Disclaimers. Now that's out of the way, let's get to the cake makin'!
I set up the bowl, mixer and set out all the ingredients and then look around the kitchen. Shit. What kind of cake did she want? I can't do one of my heavily fancy cakes. I can barely remember what year it is. This has a high potential for disaster. I pour the cake mix into the bowl because I am in no condition to make a chocolate cake from scratch. Other ingredients added, I turn on the mixer and watch the metal beaters go round and round. It's hypnotising. I want to watch this forever. It's so calming. Oh my God, those vibrations. That kind of vibration in certain places must feel amazing. I feel my breath in my chest, screaming to get out. Must not touch self, must finish cake. Maybe call Puffin for some video fun time? No, must finish cake! Can ring tubby butt later. Focus, boy! I turn the beaters off before I get off right here in the kitchen. Now, what did I want to do with this? A three-layer cake, right? So passe. Let's do a three-layer cake, but with a twist. I pour the batter into three separate pans. Standard round cake pan, mini cake pan & a large cupcake pan. Base, centre and topper. Bake times I know will be different based on the size and volume. I put the large cake in, then the mini one and finally the giant cupcake. I need to let everything cool before I can put it together and ice it. Let's hope I don't forget.

WHAT FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY LATER
The cakes are still in the icebox. The thought hits me as I'm watching cartoons and eating a bowl of cereal. Shit. It takes a few minutes to handle the stairs because I've got a hell of a case of vertigo. My depth perception gets worse when I'm high. I pull open the door of the fridge and find my cakes cold and unharmed. Beautiful. You've gotta be gentle with cakes. Like you're with a virgin for the very first time. Make love to the cakes. Don't fuck them. Never fuck cake. That just has infection written all over it. I mean, if that kinda thing turns you on, who am I to comment on anything, considering some of the vile, immoral and disgusting things I like?
I carefully remove all the cakes from their baking prisons and get to work assembling the cake. I ice the base layer all the way around. Top, sides, obviously not the bottom. I'm careful to angle the mini cake layer so that it sits dead centre in the bigger cake. If I fuck this up, the entire cake will be ruined. Precision. Breathe, Daniel. You can do this. Remember when you went to Kohl's all fucked up and managed there? Yeah. This is...a piece of cake. I snort-laugh and almost drop the goddamn mini cake. I take another deep breath and feeling much like a meme, set the smaller layer down. DEAD CENTRE. FUCK YEAH!! I dance around the kitchen to celebrate my abilities, shaking it to Taylor Swift. Thankfully, I'm home alone right now. Home Alone...I love that film. I should watch it. Part two is superior though. It's got Tim Curry. I love that motherfucker. I mean what? Oh yeah, the cake! I follow the same steps icing the second layer. I stand back to admire my handiwork. I could really make a go of this! Or this is just dumb luck.

It's missing something. It feels so bland. I start to ice little chocolate stars around the base of each cake layer. It's looking amazing. I do the same around the top of the mini layer before plunking the massive cupcake dead in its centre. I want to do a Christmas cake like this! But with peppermint! I create a smooth mountain of chocolate icing on top of the cupcake, then adding a hazelnut filled M&M on top. Now, this is where things start to get away from me. It looks good at this point. Then I think a few rainbow sprinkles on the cupcake would be nice. Add a pop of colour. Then it's in around the cupcake on the middle layer...then it's everywhere. It looks pretty damn good for being high. I hope she likes it. I'm honestly surprised that I didn't burn the cakes or fuck up the icing in some way. I'm pretty proud. Maybe I should do another blog like this every once in a while? Just some of the same and a bit of some new? I can't wait to start new blogs in the new year! I've never been so positive about what I'm going to do on here or looking forward to a new year to breathe in new adventures.

There should be a new Delectables with Dan before Christmas! Maybe two if I can find the energy to do it all with the other reviews I need to do and the 40-hour workweek. Yes! This Friday Pork Chop & I are headed to New Haven to take in some museums and other fun before the end of the year! Wanna pop out and say hi? Dates and locations are posted on the blog. Other updates will be posted via social media!