Danny & Pork Chop Go To New Haven! 🚆

The day has come. I've been thinking about this for weeks. Now that the day has come, I don't want to go. I just want to hide in bed, pretend that everything isn't crashing down around me. I already paid for this, I made promises to go, so now I have to. I feel the pressure building deep in my guts. I really don't want to have to go out in public. I feel so overwhelmed by everything. My depression has reached that point again. I want to roll over and go back to sleep, just a little bit longer, but no. My ride won't let me sleep in, so I have to be there almost 2 hours before the train departs. Better than late, but fucking Christ. I don't know why I feel so anxious about everything. Is this my social shyness coming into play once again or something else? Maybe once we drop our bags off at the rental property and head out to adventure I'll start to perk up and feel more comfortable. My anti-anxiety meds rattle in my pocket, reminding me that I have that if I really need it. Pork Chop sits on my lap, the entire way down, his hand in mine. 

The train station is decorated for Christmas. It reminds me of Christmas in Germany, the way the building is, the centring of the tree. I want to cry. I want to go back to those times. I miss the time I spent in Germany. I never felt so free. I was in a place where I knew pretty much no one, I could breathe. I am looking forward to the train journey though. I've only taken one other train in America before. The Mexican border/San Diego to Los Angeles. You guys remember the trip to Mexico blog? Jesus what a ride that was. I should go back to Mexico another time. Maybe Mexico City. I've heard good things. The train is on the second level of the station. It reminds me of the Kassel train station I spent so much time in or the Berlin Hauptbahnhof. I always spent my Christmases there, hiding away in a nice snowbank, loaded up with veggie burgers and hot cocoa, not wanting to be disturbed until spring. A sleepiness washes over me. I just want to lay down on one of the benches and sleep. I got a full night's rest; I passed out around 8pm. Maybe a little later? I don't really know. I'd eaten some pot chocolate. The high wasn't as intense as I thought it was going to be, but it was enough to pull my focus away from the things that were bothering me. I kinda wish I was high know. It feels like I half am. People walk past me chattering, some eating things, some drinking things. It all seems so effortless. I want it to be like that for me. My insides flip flop and I curl up in my seat with Pork Chop. He's my greatest comfort. 

I think it may be the warmth of the station that is threatening to pull me into the lulls of slumber that will make me miss my train. Rather than submit to sleep, I decide to stretch my legs. I walk around seeing the renovations to Union Station. They're looking to do more, which is great. They should do the rest of the shitehole city too. I need coffee. I'm almost in the Christmas spirit, which is rare for me, especially these days, so I head to the Dunkin inside the station. I get a large mocha mint coffee and head for the platform. It's chilly, but not too cold for me. I'm really looking forward to getting away. I needed this break more than I could ever express. When I travel, I feel free and weightless. I let my thoughts wander and I'm not burdened by my everyday life. I feel completely limitless. It's so nice. That being said, I'm looking at other trips for 2020, including another trip to Canada! :D If you have suggestions for what to see and where to go, please leave a comment or message me via social media. I love connecting with people through the internet and going on adventures.

The train pulls in on time, much to my surprise. Most of the time in America, things are late. I let the two older women board before me, making sure they're up with their luggage before swinging mine and Porky's bags up the steps and jumping up after them. After spending 10 years jumping on and off trains across Europe, I'm a pro at this. I settle into the seat and glance out the window, Pork Chop sitting on my lap. Wearing my massive puffball knit hat (the ones you've seen in other blogs/photos, the link to purchase will be linked below) and a thick scarf and it being so close to Christmas, I feel like Kevin McCalister. Ready for Christmas mischief and ready to embrace the cold of the East Coast. I don't exactly know why I feel this way, but I do. I feel the magical nostalgia running through my veins. The train starts to pull away with Garbage's Run Baby Run blasting in my earbuds. Steaming along I look out at the cityscape watching it turn to wetlands and woods. Icy barges float through the river as if waving at me. I look down through the blackness. I wonder how cold it is. A part of me wants to jump out of the train window and into the water just to see. I know I won't do it. We steam along south and make our first stop at one of the smallest train stations I've ever seen. It's basically just a platform. It's like the little tram stops in Germany! I'm sucked into a memory where it's the night before Christmas eve and I'm stood on a platform outside Kassel looking up at the sky. My breath trails away from me as I count the stars and name constellations while waiting for the tram to take me back to where I'm staying. It's dead silent. I'm the only one on the platform too. It almost feels like a scene in a horror film where a serial killer comes out of the woods, rapes you and kills you on the platform, all while not a sound is made. I don't think I'd scream if that happened. I think I'd just be too ashamed to. Given how I hate myself most of the time, I don't know if I'd even try to defend myself, even though I know I'm fully capable.
I snap back in the present as we pull into the Berlin station. I feel like laughing. It makes me thing of the time I spent in Berlin. I'm looking forward to going back. I've never been to the Berlin in The States. Is there more than one? I really don't know. (If you know, let me know!) The swell of adventure is growing inside me. I don't know what I want to do first. I think once I get in, I'll head to Hope Gallery first to see if I can get an appointment for later today or tomorrow. I really don't want to miss out. I emailed them but haven't heard anything yet; I know the shop gets busy. They must be especially around Christmas and New Years. Everyone getting gift certificates or getting tattoos for early presents.
The sun hangs low in the sky for midmorning. It feels later than it is as well pull into the first New Haven station. Thankfully the place that I'm staying at is only a 10 or 15 minute walk from the station. I jump off the train, Porky's hand in mine and it's like we've jumped into a time warp. The station is so low-tech and its pained that strange teal-blue colour that dominated my childhood. We love it.
It doesn't take long to get to the house. It's old. Perfect. I love older buildings, you know when people actually gave a fuck about what they were building and made things to really last. Not that cheap labour shit we have these days. It's got two large fireplaces and hardhood floors. Our room is the first one to the left as soon as you walk into the house. It's a decent size with a large bed, desk and dresser neatly tucked into the corner. For some reason the house reminds me of my father's mum's house. Maybe because some of the decor is the same. The way people build things and have created means of transport amazes me. Maybe I'm strange for thinking this way. We put our bags down and head out into the chilly December air off to the tattoo shop...And that's another story.


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