A Boy & His Elephant

It's not every day that you see a heavily tattooed frown man dressed completely in black, board a bus clutching a giant 4.5ft stuffed elephant. Yesterday, people did just that. I've made a lot of poor choices in my life, but I don't know if this was one of them. It's certainly funny, so I guess we'll put this one in the good column. 

Let's rewind to before I got on the bus. It's 5:50 am and I've just gotten to work. I head to the stockroom to check out how much has come in on the trucks for my departments when I spot a giant grey thing over by the fire door where we put the rubbish. It was sat all by itself in a grey tote waiting to be thrown into the giant dumpster we have round back. Upon further inspection, I found it was one of the giant plush toys we're selling as a part of the Christmas toys thing.
Seeing him sit there, the blue jizz all over his arm and a little bit on his titty, I knew I had to have him. I wasn't sure if I could take him from the rubbish because, despite working there almost a year, no one ever told me the rules on stuff like that. I know people can't dig things out of the trash and the little manager bloke likes to ring the police on the vagrants who rade the dumpster. So what did I do? I actually went and asked the little fella. I found him in the food section of the store. "Can I have the giant elephant before it goes in the bin? Like I know it's damaged so you can't sell it, but I don't give a fuck. I'd like him." "Technically that's a no but...go on its trash anyway." VICTORY! I put him to the side so he wouldn't accidentally get taken away from me. 

I spent the entire 8-hour shift thinking about the giant stuffed elephant in the back. Then I realised that I was out of edibles and today was the day that I planned on going so I could get baked. Panic flooded me. I don't want to have to go from Springfield all the way to Northampton on the bus and back carrying him! That's 2 hours up and 2 hours back...and that's if the buses are on time and I don't miss one. Oh shit. Then I'd have to bring him into the dispensary. They'll probably see me clutching the giant stuffed toy and assume I'm high and refuse to sell to me. But I want him...I need to take him today or lose him forever. I feel like Jack chasing after Rose on the Titanic. My mind is made up. I will have to bring him to the dispensary with me. I can just go to the Chicopee one. It's not that far away, I can ride the bus there and back then be home in no time. I'm comfortable with my plan until I realise that the bus stop is a 20-minute walk from the dispensary a. with the giant stuffed elephant (not you Puffin) then I'll have to walk the 20 minutes back to the bus stop and b. on snowy and icy roads. Now, I've done a lot of dumbshit in my youth and now, being almost 30, I've learned a few things. I'll just have to go to either Easthampton which is the next closest one or Northhampton. Oh fuck, there's a long icy walk for Easthampton too. Looks like me and Posty (named after the amazing Post Malone) will be heading to Northampton. A 2-hour bus journey with three transfers, but little to no icy road walking. Safe.

The clock strikes midday and I'm outie. I'm not going to stay around any longer than I need to. I clutch Posty and run for the door, not wanting to miss the bus. I pop in my fare to get a day pass and we begin our journey north. I forget that it gets darker so much quicker these days. I just wasn't thinking; I was focused on getting what I wanted/needed. The bus leaves a few minutes early so I'm thinking things are in my favour. We ride down into the city, taking a little longer than usual because of traffic. I'm not wanting to miss the connecting bus because that will add 20 minutes more to my time. I just want to get there and fucking back so I can get blasted and sleep because I have to be up for work at 4;30 in the morning. This early everyday shit is really starting to bother me. I never get a fucking day off. I'm always at the goddamn store, endlessly annoyed, surrounded by morons and jerkoffs, doing extra work without extra pay and or praise. Really burns my biscuits. I'm ready to pull my hair out. This is the only way to stay sane.
I make it by a cunt hair. The second part of the journey beings. This bus has a lot of people. They stare at me as I board with a giant stuffed toy and stand rather than try to sit with it. There is no way the thing can fit on my lap without hitting someone. He needs his own seat. I'll just have to wait until two seats next to each other open up. We ride along, me gripping the pole and the elephant, over the bridge and through the roundabout. We're just about reaching where I had my first American job when two seats open up. We slide into them and watch as my former workplace passes me by. I don't think I'm missed there. I hated that place. My level of misery almost remains unchallenged. Flashbacks of my former place of employment haunt me the entire 20 minutes to the shopping centre. Once I get there, I sort of realising where I am. It shouldn't be too long until we get to the transit centre. We sit out front of the shopping centre for almost 15 minutes; with each passing minute, I find myself getting more and more pissed off. I have a low tolerance for frustration these days. I'm about ready to lose my shit when the bus driver shifts the bus into drive and we start off again. I swear under my breath. Due to the snow, it takes a little longer than usual.
We pull into the transit centre and I see my connecting bus sat there. It's ready to pull away. I panic and push everyone out of the way so I don't miss the bus. I don't have time to be standing about for another 40 minutes for this bus to come back. I show the driver my ticket and take a seat in the front. There's not that many people on this bus. Before driving off, the bus driver looks in the rearview mirror, smiles at me and says, "Your friend there is gonna need a ticket too!" He laughs and I only smirk. I didn't have extra cash on me. I mean I had my debit card but that would have done fuck all for me. It's starting to get dark. Posty and I stare out the window watching little bursts of light appear all throughout the city as the sky darkens. What a time to be alive! To be a human...to be able to create these things. We race along the train and into the centre of the city. I yank the cord and stand up, careful to make sure I don't drop anything when I'm getting off the bus. I get dropped off right on the side of the building; it was as if the bus driver knew where I was going. Magic.

Here it is. The moment of truth. Will they let me in clutching a giant smurf jizz covered Elephant or will the trip be all for nought? The security guard comes out of the building, all bundled up and I extend out my ID. She cans it and welcomes me into the building. Nothing is said about the elephant. Could she be high as well? Or is she just used to the strange occurrences coming and going out of this place? Probably the second one. There's no line this time. I race to the front of the counter and right away a girl calls me. I don't even need to look at the menu. It does bug me that they don't have any Christmas specials or Christmas themed treats. Like they're missing out on a large chunk of sales by not having Chrimbo themed fuck you up sweeties. Hey! There's an idea for next years Delectables with Dan! Well, if I can remember that. I'd write it down, but I'd lose the note. A lot happens each year for me. But at the same time, feels like nothing has happened at all. Am I the only person who has this kind of sensation? I dunno mate. Fucking reality. I grab a bunch of my favourite dark chocolate bars, seeing as the fucking mint ones, the ones I really wanted, were sold out. I should have taken that almost missing the bus the first time as a sign that it was a shit idea to come up here today, but no, I pushed ahead, being pigheaded like Puffin. I decided on a few of the other chocolate bars I like and something new to try-THC infused Gummies! (Blog coming on that soon.)

I'm in and out. Now I can just grab the bu-the bus motors right on past me as I'm walking to where I think the bus stop is. Now, Google Maps has fucked me before, but this fucking really takes the cake. I walk to where the map tells me there's a bus stop. There's no sign on either side of the street. I know what direction I need to go in and I'm getting really fucking pissed off. I'm not going to walk a half-mile or more into the city centre carrying a giant elephant and a sizeable bag of edibles as it's getting dark. After the day I've had, my tolerance for frustration is about the length and width of a cunt hair. I'm on the verge of having a fucking meltdown. Why can't one fucking thing be easy for me? I'm ready to throw myself into the street because I don't want to deal with this shit again. I start screaming in frustration. My mate who knows the area is completely fucking useless and she's only pissing me off further. I wander into the nearest open building because by now it's 5pm and most places are closing around this time, and ask where the fuck the bus stop is. I show the woman behind the desk that it's supposed to be in front of the building but alas, there is no goddamn sign. She looks and she gets the same answer as me. Great. I'm getting pissed off. I start walking back to the dispensary, looking for the sign my mate is telling me about. There's no pole, there's no anything. I start screaming at her and decide to just wave the fucking bus down. I see a woman in the distance and race up to her. In hindsight, a tallish guy in the dark running at her carrying a giant stuffed toy may have been a mistake, but I did it anyway. I reach her and ask if she knows where the bus stop is. She tells me that she is looking for it as well. God fucking dammit. She's not from around here either. She tells me she knows the stop is around here somewhere but she can't find it, so she will just flag the bus down. Chances are they won't let us on like that, especially my goofy ass.

The bus starts coming down the hill and sees us (and Posty) waving madly on the side of the road. She pulls over to let us on, telling us exactly where the bus stop for next time was. We thanked her for picking us up and made our ways to our own seats. Now we have the 2-hour ride back. I settle into the seat next to Posty and watch the night fall. By this time, I've had a few pieces of pot chocolate and I'm waiting for everything to turn magical again. We ride through the darkness, me getting lost in the magic of Fleetwood Mac.
I get to the Holyoke transit centre and it's already almost 6pm. Fuck me, I will never get home at this rate and I have to be up at 4 to go to work tomorrow. I'm just going to use Lyft or Uber from Union Station. Fuck this shit. I'm going to need to get a ride when I get to the end of the bus line anyway. This just shaves at least a half-hour off my travel time. I almost miss the bus to Springfield. It's getting ready to pull out and the bus ports are icy. I don't want to run but I also don't want to miss the bus and have to try and Uber from all the way up here or wait another 40 minutes or so for the goddamn bus, plus the travel time. Thankfully, the bus driver notices me trying to get to the bus while juggling the elephant, my rucksack and iPad. She waits for me and I thank her, relief flooding me.
We drive along through the night. The bus is almost empty. The lights of the bus feel sterile and haunting. It feels like I'm melting. The vibrations of the bus plus my increased feelings of sensation isn't good....but at the same time, also great. We're just entering West Springfield when the high really hits me. I can't stop. I'm ready to do cartwheels. The sensation of blood flowing everywhere is so overwhelming. I wanna- my breathing gets ragged and sharp. By this time, I'm almost the only person on the bus. I lean back in my seat, tilting my pelvis up and positioning my tailbone right on the edge of the seat. The vibration feels go good. I can taste everything I've always loved.
It doesn't take too much longer for us to reach Union Station and for...other things to happen. I jump off the bus having ordered my Uber. He's not too far away. The price may be a little high, but nowhere as high as I am, but I just want to get the fuck home and eat something. I'm thinking veggie calzone. I have to wait about 15 minutes for the driver to arrive. He's hilarious and friendly. We start making small talk and laughing. Traffic is bad but I'm not bothering me cause we're having a good time. Then I mention that I have a partner of my same-sex. He looks at the app and goes "but your name is Dan..and you have a boyfriend?" I laugh and say yeah and he's even got the same first name as me. He looks at me in the rearview mirror. "Oh, you're one of those!" And in there lies another hilarious tale...