What's In A Name? Part One
Being trans also comes with the added bonus of getting to change your name, but one of your choosing. It can be so freeing to be able to choose a name that really represents you; something you have complete control over. It's been something that I've really enjoyed. When you're born you're given names. Actually, now that I think about it, we're kind of assigned names. Names, to me, come with a certain type of identity. And more often than not, that identity is related to gender or biological sex. As luck would have it, my given name can be used for both boys and girls. (Was this a bit of foreshadowing into my future or some sort of cruel irony?) I don't think that my parents were really aware of that fully when they named me, as my mum once said that my name is a beautiful one.
I didn't really need to think about what my name would be. I didn't play around with other names, trying on different fits to see which one suited me. I've always been drawn to classic male names. Being a writer, you get to write for all different types of people; most of my characters have been male. In many ways, they've always been an extension of myself, of my personality. They've helped me to work our various emotions, situations and process events in my own life. I guess you could say that was my trying on names in a way. It was me being able to express my thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgement or resentment. I was living a life that I was too scared to live. I was afraid to lose the few people in my life that I had and I was terrified of how others would view me based on earlier experiences.
It took me some time to realise it, but writing these characters was a safe way for me to express my gender identity and gender dysmorphia without having to face the things that I feared. I'd not used a male pen name when writing though strangely enough. There was a part of me that was wanting to hide out of shame and anxiety. I was ashamed that I was this way and I didn't want others to see me as some sort of freak or something to be exploited. I didn't my "situation" for lack of better words, to impact my booksales in a negative way. I'd worked so hard and achieved many things and I didn't want setbacks tearing me down. I thought, if I had to be a girl, I didn't want to put my name on my work. It was a part of a larger picture. I didn't like that I was female. I wanted to put as much distance between myself, well my biological gender, and my work as I could. I wanted to distance myself from the life that made me feel trapped and so deeply unhappy. It got to a point where being seen or called female felt dirty to me. Not that there is anything wrong with being a female, identifying as one or anything, it's just wrong for me. Men have played women in history; that's all I was doing.
Last year, in 2018, I gathered the courage to slowly start putting myself out there with my male name and my work. I got to the point where I didn't want to have to hide anymore. Compartmentalising was stressing me out and making me feel more depressed and hopeless. I published my latest work "Glass Hysteria" under Daniel and it was a feeling I'll never forget. Seeing that name, my REAL name glaring back at me from the glossy cover of the softback book was a high like no other. It kind of felt like I was coming out to myself. It's strange to say, but I don't know any other way to really put it. I started to promote my work as Daniel and using male pronouns for the first time and it felt amazing. I felt whole and complete. It didn't feel like I was playing a role anymore.
It took me some time to realise it, but writing these characters was a safe way for me to express my gender identity and gender dysmorphia without having to face the things that I feared. I'd not used a male pen name when writing though strangely enough. There was a part of me that was wanting to hide out of shame and anxiety. I was ashamed that I was this way and I didn't want others to see me as some sort of freak or something to be exploited. I didn't my "situation" for lack of better words, to impact my booksales in a negative way. I'd worked so hard and achieved many things and I didn't want setbacks tearing me down. I thought, if I had to be a girl, I didn't want to put my name on my work. It was a part of a larger picture. I didn't like that I was female. I wanted to put as much distance between myself, well my biological gender, and my work as I could. I wanted to distance myself from the life that made me feel trapped and so deeply unhappy. It got to a point where being seen or called female felt dirty to me. Not that there is anything wrong with being a female, identifying as one or anything, it's just wrong for me. Men have played women in history; that's all I was doing.
Last year, in 2018, I gathered the courage to slowly start putting myself out there with my male name and my work. I got to the point where I didn't want to have to hide anymore. Compartmentalising was stressing me out and making me feel more depressed and hopeless. I published my latest work "Glass Hysteria" under Daniel and it was a feeling I'll never forget. Seeing that name, my REAL name glaring back at me from the glossy cover of the softback book was a high like no other. It kind of felt like I was coming out to myself. It's strange to say, but I don't know any other way to really put it. I started to promote my work as Daniel and using male pronouns for the first time and it felt amazing. I felt whole and complete. It didn't feel like I was playing a role anymore.
...
Now that I've looked into having my name legally changed and reached out to a lawyer to double check how to do it properly, I'm pumped up. I know what I have to do. Some parts of the paperwork are a little confusing, but that's why I have a lawyer. He'll help me navigate the legal-speak that I'm unfamiliar with so that the name change goes through the first time without issue.
There's only one part of the process that makes me uncomfortable and makes me think the law needs to be re-evaluated for transgender individuals such as myself. You have to publish your intent to change your name in a local paper. That puts us at risk. Not everyone is trans-friendly. Some of us may not be out to family, co-workers or just wish to keep our private lives private and or our old lives separate from who we're becoming. I could have a motion drafted to waive the publication factor, but there is still the possibility that a judge could deny the motion. I'd have to go through all that grief and end up having to publish the notification anyway, not to mention it would slow down the process by weeks. Do I really want that? No.
I think there should be a stipulation for us transgender people regarding the intent to change a name publication. Surely there is another way for those who need to be notified of it without the risk of physical or psychological harm to us. It's not a question of favouritism or special treatment, but just the right to have the same peace of mind and body others have.
There's only one part of the process that makes me uncomfortable and makes me think the law needs to be re-evaluated for transgender individuals such as myself. You have to publish your intent to change your name in a local paper. That puts us at risk. Not everyone is trans-friendly. Some of us may not be out to family, co-workers or just wish to keep our private lives private and or our old lives separate from who we're becoming. I could have a motion drafted to waive the publication factor, but there is still the possibility that a judge could deny the motion. I'd have to go through all that grief and end up having to publish the notification anyway, not to mention it would slow down the process by weeks. Do I really want that? No.
I think there should be a stipulation for us transgender people regarding the intent to change a name publication. Surely there is another way for those who need to be notified of it without the risk of physical or psychological harm to us. It's not a question of favouritism or special treatment, but just the right to have the same peace of mind and body others have.
I'm terrified. I've already suffered enough under the controlling, bigotted hand of my mother. I don't need her to see the publication and then head down to the courthouse to stage a coup. I wish I could say this is an exaggeration, but it really isn't. I'm more fearful of that than anything else. Do I have worries about being physically harmed because I'm transgendered? Yes. But the idea of my mother coming to my house to scream at me, humiliate me and belittle me during an emotionally charged time is too much for me. It's more of a reality for me than any other thing really. I hate that it's true but it is. I had hope that she would have warmed to how I am, gotten somewhat used to it, since its been roughly two years since I said anything to her about me being trans and wanting to transition, but thus far, she's only become more hate-filled toward it. She wants to ignore it. #
My hand is almost shaking as I fill out the paperwork. What if this is all for nothing? What if they deny my name change and I'm further humiliated? What if there is something medically wrong and I can't transition? People will have questions. Questions that I'm not ready to answer. I don't know if I'll ever be able to answer them. I know this is who I am, that I don't really have to justify it to the world, but in some ways I kind of do. I've expressed who I am to my friends and co-workers, even strangers on the street and pretty much their reactions have been positive. They're not really bothered. They just see me who I say I am. It's liberating. I have the chance to mark down in ink who I really am inside. Daniel Francis.
My hand is almost shaking as I fill out the paperwork. What if this is all for nothing? What if they deny my name change and I'm further humiliated? What if there is something medically wrong and I can't transition? People will have questions. Questions that I'm not ready to answer. I don't know if I'll ever be able to answer them. I know this is who I am, that I don't really have to justify it to the world, but in some ways I kind of do. I've expressed who I am to my friends and co-workers, even strangers on the street and pretty much their reactions have been positive. They're not really bothered. They just see me who I say I am. It's liberating. I have the chance to mark down in ink who I really am inside. Daniel Francis.
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