Life Changes
And he just threw me away like I was nothing. After all that he and I had gone through. How he said that we had an emotional comfort and closeness with one another...After he said he wasn't going anywhere. I read the message over and over again; Combing back through my memories, seeing him change over the last few months. Him saying that he would never leave and him throwing me away hurts as much as my failure to save him-the realisation that I wasn't enough. I thought that I would be enough, but now I realise that I never would have been.
He told me that I hadn't been the same in a little while; well, of course, I was different. I almost died once again and where was he, my best friend? He didn't want to take me to hospital and when I told that I needed to have emergency surgery, told him what was his in case something went wrong in surgery and I did die all he could think about was his Funko that he missed out on. A trip to Walmart to get a Funko collectable was more important than his friend's life. Someone who he said was his best friend. That hurt beyond any measure. I went into surgery, my final thought being that he really doesn't care-the collectable toy is more important than my life. And I'm supposed to just have gotten over that? I showed him complete care; stepped up and helped him, went above and beyond friendship, trying all that I could to keep him safe and happy, worrying when he got upset, worrying that he'd go hungry, worrying that I wasn't doing enough for him. I pushed my body and mind to their physical limits for him and when I told him this he threw it in my face telling me that I was "fucking guilt-tripping him". All I wanted was for him to see that he was important to someone, that his life mattered and he was something, even if he thought he was shit. I wanted him to know that someone was there for him. That someone wanted to be around him and help him. And I wanted to hear a thank you. Most of the time I'm fine with unspoken, but after I just kept giving and giving, even after I told him that the stress is killing me, he couldn't say "Bro, I really appreciate what you did for me." Was that really too hard to say?
I waited in agony to ask him to take me because I was scared to go alone and didn't want to wake him up before he was supposed to get up to bring me to work; He got mad at that too, telling me that I should have just woke him up then he could have gone to get his Funko. Well, what the fuck? He was going to be up at that time anyway and he could have just dropped me. He said he didn't want to leave me there alone, but he didn't even ask me how I was after the surgery, he still was raging about the toy. He wasn't phased that I sat for a few hours, breathing shallow, pain consuming me so that he could sleep. I took a big risk because I wasn't even 100% sure what was wrong, yet he's mad? I doubt he would have wanted to sit there with me in the hospital anyway.
Did I have to give him half my weekly pay? Did I have to employ him as my uber driver to work and to my therapy appointments when he quit his job? No. When he asked if he could do it, without question or any sort of hesitation I said yes. I knew he was going through a rough time not just with work and I wanted him to have a little bit of peace of mind that he's got some sort of income coming in. It wouldn't be what one of our paycheques were, but it was something. I even offered to pay him for helping me around my house doing repairs, tending to the grass, anything so he could have a little extra money. I would sometimes pay him a little over the uber rate for the day to help him out. I felt completely useless that I couldn't do more for him.
When I got sick and was out of work for two weeks on medical leave, I asked my siblings if they would pay him to be their uber to/from work. Did I have to? No. I figured that this way he could make some money, more than just doing me and it could make up for me being sick. I felt guilty that I was out of work. He told me that it wasn't my fault I got sick, but I feel that deep inside he resented me getting sick because it messed with his finances. If I had planned on being sick and said "Hey, I'm taking two weeks off cause I don't feel all that great" yeah, I could see him getting upset and asking me what the fuck, but this? I almost died and came back to work right away, taking on 30-32 hours a week after being told when I went back to work be on light hours/duty. I was risking my overall health and possibly my life if I got a hernia or worse to help him because I cared and he threw it back in my face. Did I have to do it? No, but I wanted to. He told me that I didn't need to do it and me mentioning that I was quite and tired because I was being worn out he said that was my fault, my choice. Wouldn't anyone else do that for a friend who they consider to be family? When he said that I felt like he didn't care about me at all. I put his wants and needs before my own for someone who saw me as garbage. He has no idea how much I went without to help him with his own wants and needs. I'm a caring person but when you just act like no matter what I've done is enough it hurts and I get angry. But I never really fought back. I swallowed it all and let him continue to treat me like shit.
Did I have to give him half my weekly pay? Did I have to employ him as my uber driver to work and to my therapy appointments when he quit his job? No. When he asked if he could do it, without question or any sort of hesitation I said yes. I knew he was going through a rough time not just with work and I wanted him to have a little bit of peace of mind that he's got some sort of income coming in. It wouldn't be what one of our paycheques were, but it was something. I even offered to pay him for helping me around my house doing repairs, tending to the grass, anything so he could have a little extra money. I would sometimes pay him a little over the uber rate for the day to help him out. I felt completely useless that I couldn't do more for him.
When I got sick and was out of work for two weeks on medical leave, I asked my siblings if they would pay him to be their uber to/from work. Did I have to? No. I figured that this way he could make some money, more than just doing me and it could make up for me being sick. I felt guilty that I was out of work. He told me that it wasn't my fault I got sick, but I feel that deep inside he resented me getting sick because it messed with his finances. If I had planned on being sick and said "Hey, I'm taking two weeks off cause I don't feel all that great" yeah, I could see him getting upset and asking me what the fuck, but this? I almost died and came back to work right away, taking on 30-32 hours a week after being told when I went back to work be on light hours/duty. I was risking my overall health and possibly my life if I got a hernia or worse to help him because I cared and he threw it back in my face. Did I have to do it? No, but I wanted to. He told me that I didn't need to do it and me mentioning that I was quite and tired because I was being worn out he said that was my fault, my choice. Wouldn't anyone else do that for a friend who they consider to be family? When he said that I felt like he didn't care about me at all. I put his wants and needs before my own for someone who saw me as garbage. He has no idea how much I went without to help him with his own wants and needs. I'm a caring person but when you just act like no matter what I've done is enough it hurts and I get angry. But I never really fought back. I swallowed it all and let him continue to treat me like shit.
Over the past few weeks, it felt like he's been looking for any excuse to ditch me. He told me that my help was annoying and a problem. If I did nothing he'd have been pissed off even more. He threw everything I did back at me. He said it felt like we were in a relationship because of me helping him with getting a new job, helping with food, expenses and getting him things he wanted. I guess I could see how that could be taken that way, but how was I to know he felt that way until he said anything to me? That is my idea of friendship; going all out for a friend. He knew I loved him because I've told him on many occasions and told him that it wasn't a romantic love at all. You can love your friends without wanting to fuck and or fist them. I really don't understand why he had a problem with my caring about him. Was it me? Am I so disgusting that he doesn't want me to care for him?
Over the past few months as things have gotten worse for him, I've always been there. To talk when he's ready, let him know that he's not alone and when he'd tell me that he didn't want to live, I was right there reassuring him that his life does matter, even if he can't see it. He may hate me now, but I still believe that. He would drive me to the point of tears when he'd say he was going to drive his car off a bridge or didn't want to live anymore, asking me what the point of everything is. I spent so many hours worrying after he'd say stuff like that and then go quite. I'd panic that I'd see on the news that something happened to him, that I would have failed him in the worst way you can fail someone.
Over the past few months as things have gotten worse for him, I've always been there. To talk when he's ready, let him know that he's not alone and when he'd tell me that he didn't want to live, I was right there reassuring him that his life does matter, even if he can't see it. He may hate me now, but I still believe that. He would drive me to the point of tears when he'd say he was going to drive his car off a bridge or didn't want to live anymore, asking me what the point of everything is. I spent so many hours worrying after he'd say stuff like that and then go quite. I'd panic that I'd see on the news that something happened to him, that I would have failed him in the worst way you can fail someone.
But I was never allowed to express such feelings. I wasn't allowed to self-harm or want to die. He'd tell me to get over it or be annoyed with my feelings or self-harming. I understand he didn't want me to hurt like that, but not even wanting to be there to listen to how I felt, that just made me feel worse. He told me to talk to someone else about shit like that, yet I was always there for him. I wasn't allowed to have my health issues, even though he would acknowledge that I had them from time to time. If I was acting off and he asked me about things, I'd tell him about them. He has enough going on without me adding to his stress; I didn't want to add to it, only telling him the important parts. And after the surgery incident, I got the feeling that he didn't really care either way what was going on with me, so it was best if I just kept everything to myself. He even told me straight out that he has enough stress with other people in his life without me. I didn't want to make things worse, but I suppose in some ways I managed to do that.
When he started to yell over Funkos or the smallest upset, my anxiety got worse. I feared that he'd get upset and hit me. I spoke to him about yelling, that it sets off panic in me. I didn't want to seem like a pussy bitch, but it was something that he needed to know, but he kept right on with it. Losing his cool over the smallest thing, blaming me for everything that went wrong. I upped the amount of anti-anxiety medication I was on so that I wouldn't lose control; sometimes when I'm anxious when people are yelling, I lose control and can beat someone. I didn't want to hurt him, even when he made me feel like I was less of a friend and more of an emotional punching bag. I took blame for things that weren't my fault and tried to make them right so that he'd not explode and hurt himself or so something else that he'd regret. Did I have to buy a Funko when he missed out on his bid? No, but I offered because I felt bad. I know how much the things mean to him, more than they do to me. He blamed me for missing things that I didn't even know he was bidding on or looking at. How was I supposed to know if he didn't tell me? How was I supposed to know if something was wrong if he didn't tell me? I'm not a mind reader. I never claimed to be one either.
When he started to yell over Funkos or the smallest upset, my anxiety got worse. I feared that he'd get upset and hit me. I spoke to him about yelling, that it sets off panic in me. I didn't want to seem like a pussy bitch, but it was something that he needed to know, but he kept right on with it. Losing his cool over the smallest thing, blaming me for everything that went wrong. I upped the amount of anti-anxiety medication I was on so that I wouldn't lose control; sometimes when I'm anxious when people are yelling, I lose control and can beat someone. I didn't want to hurt him, even when he made me feel like I was less of a friend and more of an emotional punching bag. I took blame for things that weren't my fault and tried to make them right so that he'd not explode and hurt himself or so something else that he'd regret. Did I have to buy a Funko when he missed out on his bid? No, but I offered because I felt bad. I know how much the things mean to him, more than they do to me. He blamed me for missing things that I didn't even know he was bidding on or looking at. How was I supposed to know if he didn't tell me? How was I supposed to know if something was wrong if he didn't tell me? I'm not a mind reader. I never claimed to be one either.
The worst part of all of this? I miss him. When he told me that he wanted nothing to do with me, that he was done with the friendship, then told me that it was my fault the friendship ended, I cried for days. I didn't want to go to work, it was the place I met him and I didn't know if I had the emotional strength to keep the mask of happiness in place. I was bleeding from deep wounds but pretended like everything was alright. I allowed him to say hurtful and horrible things about me and to me. I took it all, pretending that it didn't hurt. I didn't really ever stick up for myself. I lost myself in trying to be a good friend, a good person once again. I got a tattoo to show my friendship with him, let him see that I treasure our friendship now I have to see it in the mirror all the time since it's on my neck. I should have known better to get a friendship tattoo, but me wanting to have friends, be a part of something special so that I wasn't as lonely, just jumped right in. I'm not going to go through the pain or laser removal; I mean it would pale in comparison to losing this friendship, but I want it to serve as a reminder. Maybe I should be more guarded next time. Maybe I'm really just better off alone where I can't be hurt this badly before.
I don't fully understand what I did wrong because each time he'd mention something it would be a different reason for why he didn't want to be friends with me. My trying to help him, my sister, me being quite. Never in all his ranting did he take any blame for anything. He didn't take blame or once apologise for yelling at me or treating me in the way that he did. I'd have understood an off day and him saying "It wasn't a good day, I kinda lost control." I've had days like that myself before, shit I still do. He wants to be alone and now he's getting his wish. I'm still here trying to process everything, part of me wondering and hoping that he'll want to be friends again. I really thought he was going to be a life long friend, since I felt comfortable with him, when he wasn't yelling or going off he was so great to be around. He's funny and witty. I just want him to go back to being the guy I met back in April and started to befriend.
I don't fully understand what I did wrong because each time he'd mention something it would be a different reason for why he didn't want to be friends with me. My trying to help him, my sister, me being quite. Never in all his ranting did he take any blame for anything. He didn't take blame or once apologise for yelling at me or treating me in the way that he did. I'd have understood an off day and him saying "It wasn't a good day, I kinda lost control." I've had days like that myself before, shit I still do. He wants to be alone and now he's getting his wish. I'm still here trying to process everything, part of me wondering and hoping that he'll want to be friends again. I really thought he was going to be a life long friend, since I felt comfortable with him, when he wasn't yelling or going off he was so great to be around. He's funny and witty. I just want him to go back to being the guy I met back in April and started to befriend.
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