Adoration Incarceration
Adoration Incarceration
As the rain fell around me, I was chilled not by the precipitation but the ghosts that surrounded me. My past failures and misgivings settle into the base of my lungs. I exhale any glimmer of hope into the air and watch it trail away. My thoughts were muddled and hazy, clogging my veins, slowing my pace. It felt like I was in something of a trace; moving slowly on autopilot, ignoring the places and faces that surrounded me. I exhale your name, my thoughts clouded by your utter destain for me. I don't understand what, when or how I went wrong. The unrest becomes my shadow, chasing me as the horizon dissolves into the mist of a mid-September evening.
As the rain fell around me, I was chilled not by the precipitation but the ghosts that surrounded me. My past failures and misgivings settle into the base of my lungs. I exhale any glimmer of hope into the air and watch it trail away. My thoughts were muddled and hazy, clogging my veins, slowing my pace. It felt like I was in something of a trace; moving slowly on autopilot, ignoring the places and faces that surrounded me. I exhale your name, my thoughts clouded by your utter destain for me. I don't understand what, when or how I went wrong. The unrest becomes my shadow, chasing me as the horizon dissolves into the mist of a mid-September evening.
Driving home, I lost all focus. The rain against the pavement in the darkness of the night is so hypnotic. I can feel the blood pulsing in my veins, begging to kiss the cool of the air. Headlights flash in my eyes and for a moment everything around me melts away. I reconnect with the darkness, thoughts of the blade ebbing away at my focus on the road. Unwavering thoughts of self-harm consume me. No, it's not enough to hurt myself anymore. This comes from a place of deep self-hatred and rejection, both from myself and those around me. Vibrantly colourful images of slashed wrists materialise before my eyes, leaving me screaming and shaking. I don't want them to infect me. I don't want this to become my reality once more. My self-hatred and self-preservation battle it out as I curl up, listening to the rain beat against the windows of the car. The moisture surrounds me like a second skin. Thoughts of wanting to curl up under my thick duvet make their way through me, the urge to sleep is seemingly overwhelming. My own screams echo through my bones, a battle of good and evil tearing me apart at a cellular level while all I can do is hide the torment from the rest of the world behind a shy smile.
I find myself void of all the things that once made me a more fulfilled human being. Perhaps it was nothing more than an illusion; My sick mind deluding me into thinking that I was something other than a monster. And yet again I find myself drowning in a sea of guilt for the emotions that rage through me. I'm breathing in your pheromones, wanting nothing more than to know the feeling of you against me.
I fail to earn your respect time and time again, which only fueled the self-hatred inside. Despite my best efforts, I'm always the one at the sharp end of the blade, hoping that my blood will give way to something warm and real. I believed in our lies, wanting nothing more for the fairy tale to be something real, doing all that I could to avoid your rage-fuelled threats. This isn't the first time I allowed myself to be blindsided by evil disguised as something else.
I find myself void of all the things that once made me a more fulfilled human being. Perhaps it was nothing more than an illusion; My sick mind deluding me into thinking that I was something other than a monster. And yet again I find myself drowning in a sea of guilt for the emotions that rage through me. I'm breathing in your pheromones, wanting nothing more than to know the feeling of you against me.
I fail to earn your respect time and time again, which only fueled the self-hatred inside. Despite my best efforts, I'm always the one at the sharp end of the blade, hoping that my blood will give way to something warm and real. I believed in our lies, wanting nothing more for the fairy tale to be something real, doing all that I could to avoid your rage-fuelled threats. This isn't the first time I allowed myself to be blindsided by evil disguised as something else.
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