Hunger

I feel completely drained of everything. That happy life-force that filled me in June and into July has faded away, creating the opposite effect deep inside. Much wished for cooler nights have brought forth lonely and empty realisations that leave me wondering why I'm even alive. I feel like I've just backslid on everything. I'd love to use the excuse that it was the oxycodone that they gave me after my surgery, but that's not the truth. I can't hide behind that "a drug made me do it" bullshit. I make the choice to take the pills. I use them as an escape from emotional pain, not the physical pain, the pain they are actually intended for. 

I've been under so much pressure lately, from all around. I don't know how to cope with all of these things hitting me at once. I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. I feel like if I was strong enough to handle everything that was being thrown at me, I'd not feel as weak and empty as I do. I know that I've done all I can for the people around me, pushing my body and my emotional broadband to its absolute limits. I started to ascend into my previous habits of using pills and drinking to try and cope with everything that's happened and is happening. From surgery to changing my documents to relationships of all sorts. It's not an excuse, just a reason. I need to find a balance in what I'm doing and what I need to do. There are things that I need to come to terms with before I can keep moving forward. 

Autumn is my favourite season and all I want, more than anything, is to find comfort in those that I've chosen to be close to me, sharing Halloween glee, baked treats and just trying to find a place where I can breathe without feeling the weight of the world crushing my chest. I feel like that closeness is missing and it's something that I've craved for a while now. I don't know how to ask for it; that's part of the problem. I don't know when or how it's acceptable to ask people in my life for that closeness that I need. I'm not even 100% sure what kind of closeness that I want. I know it's not really a physical one, that's just something I'm not wholly comfortable with. Sitting together is cool, but cuddles? No, I don't think I can emotionally handle that. 

I'm sinking down into a deep period of self-hate. I'm hopeful that it will pass in a week or so since it's been nested inside me for a few weeks now, but I really don't know. I feel lost in myself. Where I fit. I feel empty and small. Crawling back into bed and hiding for a month feels like the best thing I could possibly do, but I can't. I have to go back to work. I have to help my friend. Most of all I have to try and fix myself. 

Hopefully, I can find some time to get all the Delectables with Dan autumn blogs that I want to done and posted. I know I've not been the best with the blogs lately, I've not been able to think or hold concentration for any length of time. Maybe I'll get some inspiration from somewhere so it's not just cooking/baking blogs being posted up here. Who knows? Stay tuned.