Emerge
I didn't expect this.
It came out of nowhere to hit me over the head and swallow me whole.
Sometimes memories of my childhood surface out of nowhere. Well, I can't really say that. There may be some cognitive connection between what I've watched/am watching and the surfacing of memories I thought long since past. A slant of the light. The colour of a girl's hair. Small things like this can open an ocean of memory for me. Most of the time when I least expect it.
I'm sat on my bed on the early hours of a soon to be scorching mid-summer day and out of nowhere a memory of me being a small child bleeds into my reality. It's cold and raining. It has to be late autumn. I'm running down the small dirt road that I lived on. Leaves cascade from the sky, dancing with water droplets in a macabre end of time dance. The water pools around my already soaked sneakers as I stop and look up into the sky. A pale grey sky smiles down on me, her tears staining my cheeks. I feel unsafe. I feel unsure. I don't remember why I'm running. I don't know where I'm running. The cold is settling into my bones, despite me wearing a thick sweatshirt. The memory stretches and my focus blurs and the lines of my reality begin to melt away into a different time.
The late afternoon sun's rays illuminate my skin and the warm summer air fills my chest with nostalgic hope; the relaxing calm spreads through my bones and I feel my entire body relax. It's been nearly 20 years since I felt this good. It feels as if I've been in a cacoon for the longest time and I'm slowly starting to emerge. For a moment, it feels as if I'm living in a Taylor Swift song. The feelings of love and devotion bring a stinging pain to me that I am everything short of deserving. It mingles with his scent, creating an array of fireworks beneath my skin. I want to reach out and consume that forbidden fruit, tempting the wrath of the Gods has always been in my nature but is this the time to? Lust has always been my greatest vice; I continuously trade it for virtue. My desire for passion borders on the obscene.
And I think of my lips on hers, how her pale skin felt against my scarred. The way the tension threatened to cut us in half as I worked my hands through her hair. My hands trembled as I cupped her breasts, the limits of alcohol being tested as she lowered herself on top of me. I wanted this. I needed this. Anxiety and waves of self-doubt battled the relaxation brought on by copious amounts of vodka. My tongue bars clacking against my teeth as I explored her trembling form with my mouth. I couldn't get enough of the way she tasted, the way she smelled. Salty, yet sweet like fresh summer peach. I'm blinded by what I feel for her to see that she's slowly slipping away from her. Perhaps it was my selfishness or immaturity that wanted to believe in her lies. Due to my ignorance, my unwillingness to look behind her curtains, she's crossed the border, beyond any place I could ever reach her.
I feel the familiar waves of depression crashing with my euphoria and my stomach knots in anticipation of a battle of epic proportions. The anxiety wells up between my ribs and all I can do is swallow the urge to cry. The thought of "what did I do to deserve this?" twists inside me, infecting me. It's the never-ending question with a never starting answer.
And now each night I have to lay awake with the unrest of wondering if you'll be there when I wake again. Rain splashes against the windows, the humidity of the night cloaking me, suffocating me. I ache for the relief that slumber offers me. I toss and turn to the melody of the rain, dreading the next break of dawn. I struggle with how and I why I feel this way. I know it should mean nothing, yet it means everything to me.
The late afternoon sun's rays illuminate my skin and the warm summer air fills my chest with nostalgic hope; the relaxing calm spreads through my bones and I feel my entire body relax. It's been nearly 20 years since I felt this good. It feels as if I've been in a cacoon for the longest time and I'm slowly starting to emerge. For a moment, it feels as if I'm living in a Taylor Swift song. The feelings of love and devotion bring a stinging pain to me that I am everything short of deserving. It mingles with his scent, creating an array of fireworks beneath my skin. I want to reach out and consume that forbidden fruit, tempting the wrath of the Gods has always been in my nature but is this the time to? Lust has always been my greatest vice; I continuously trade it for virtue. My desire for passion borders on the obscene.
And I think of my lips on hers, how her pale skin felt against my scarred. The way the tension threatened to cut us in half as I worked my hands through her hair. My hands trembled as I cupped her breasts, the limits of alcohol being tested as she lowered herself on top of me. I wanted this. I needed this. Anxiety and waves of self-doubt battled the relaxation brought on by copious amounts of vodka. My tongue bars clacking against my teeth as I explored her trembling form with my mouth. I couldn't get enough of the way she tasted, the way she smelled. Salty, yet sweet like fresh summer peach. I'm blinded by what I feel for her to see that she's slowly slipping away from her. Perhaps it was my selfishness or immaturity that wanted to believe in her lies. Due to my ignorance, my unwillingness to look behind her curtains, she's crossed the border, beyond any place I could ever reach her.
I feel the familiar waves of depression crashing with my euphoria and my stomach knots in anticipation of a battle of epic proportions. The anxiety wells up between my ribs and all I can do is swallow the urge to cry. The thought of "what did I do to deserve this?" twists inside me, infecting me. It's the never-ending question with a never starting answer.
And now each night I have to lay awake with the unrest of wondering if you'll be there when I wake again. Rain splashes against the windows, the humidity of the night cloaking me, suffocating me. I ache for the relief that slumber offers me. I toss and turn to the melody of the rain, dreading the next break of dawn. I struggle with how and I why I feel this way. I know it should mean nothing, yet it means everything to me.
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