Anxious Boy

It's no secret that I am anxious. I'm basically just a cucumber with anxiety most of the time. Lately, I've been stepping outside my comfort zone to work on the anxiety. I don't want it to control me or continue to box me in. I need to be able to be me. I think that will take a large chunk of the mental stress I'm under off my shoulders. Wanting to try new things, I took a job at a pet shop. I love animals and have a wealth of knowledge in animal care and I want to help with the adoption weekends, so I figured it would be a perfect fit for me. I didn't realise I'd be asked so many questions about myself if I'd known I probably would have hidden.

I’m anxious on a whole new level and it feels like I have no time to set anything aside and deal with it. It’s like this cascade of stomach churning, cheek reddening madness. I was so awkward when I started my first day on the floor training at the pet shop. I bumbled my words and was beyond uncomfortable with things, my cheeks remaining red for most of the 4 hours I was there. I wanted nothing more than to escape. It’s not that people weren’t friendly, most of my new coworkers have been toward me I’m just shy. They use my name and use male pronouns for me. In my previous job, it wasn't really okay to do this. I felt caged in and even more disgusted with myself. I felt like I had to hide, now I don't have to. Being open and being able to be myself in public where I'm known is a whole new thing for me. It's totally different from the book tours where I'm known as Dan and people like me. Adjusting to this smaller level, a more intimate setting if you will, will be a whole new challenge for me, but so far so good. I didn’t plan on saying anything but it felt good when he said “That’s no problem. We have a girl here who’s now Andre, so it’s the norm here. You’ll be okay.” I was so nervous about how people would take it out on the floor. Him saying things relaxed me slightly, but it left me wondering. Just because he says it’s cool and he’s fine with it doesn’t mean everyone else will. I’m under enough stress now with the house situation and learning two new sets of people and two new jobs to have to deal with people being cruel. Most of the time people have been less than nice to me and I can’t handle that right now. My guard is up. I usually don't disclose my transgender status to new people, it's not that I want to hide it or anything, I just want to be seen as a man, not a transman. I guess that's where I get hung up. I'm not ashamed anymore, I'm starting to be open about things in new ways thanks to support from Puffin and new friends who really just want me to be able to be who I am. I got a shock the next day when I went in to do the last day of computer training when the assistant manager asked me what my pronouns where. He told me he knows that I go by Dan and he wanted to be respectful of my pronouns and gender identity. I almost fell over. I’ve never had people in a professional setting be so supportive and understanding. I’m used to having to hide things, compartmentalise. My cheeks bloom with redness and I told him, male, so he and him. He said it was no issue and now all of them use male pronouns for me. It was just so casual how he asked me. I wondered why, but then I realised the other manager must have said something to him. I'm thankful that he did, it was hard enough for me to tell him. The few people that I did meet were very accepting, didn’t say anything just went right along with it. It’s nice. I think it might do wonders for my mental health being able to be myself and feel comfortable in a new setting. While I don’t see myself as anything other than male, others do and when they do, they point it out to me it’s annoying and sometimes confusing; I almost have to change my mindset to accept what they’re saying. I don't want to have to do this anymore. I shouldn't have to. At the end of the day, it shouldn't matter to them, I'm not dating them or fucking them so, really, why do they want to know? The splitting isn’t good for me. It worsens my depression and makes me feel less like I deserve to be alive. I think having people around who just accept me without questions asked and see me for who I really am will not only help with the depression but will boost my confidence levels, something that I really need. Since I officially came out two years ago, and now a year ago on the blog, my confidence levels have increased. I'm still shy and nervous, but I have peace that I've not known before.

I think this will be a good experience for me. I'm talking about things now, more so than I ever have done. Maybe I'll be able to be more open about things as I move on and transition new sections of my life. Somethings I'll share on the blog, other things I want to keep to myself. The showdown with my mum will be something for the ages, so I'm going to have to blog that one. Remember her reaction when I told her? Her screaming it was a mental illness and the internet made me this way? She keeps trying to force her ideas on gender and gender identity on me. She doesn't have to like the choice, but I'd like her to keep her comments to herself and not be transphobic and well, a cunt about things. This is why so many people keep their identities inside, why depression and suicide rates are high among trans people and why so many people struggle with who they are. Honestly, when she starts her shit I want to punch her in the face again and again. I know she does it because she's ignorant and I think it's because she wants to piss me off; Sometimes it's like she gets off on putting me down like this.