Happiness & Homicide: The Birthday Party

"Oh, hi." "What's wrong? I thought you were having your party? I only stepped out for a few minutes with this girl I met on the Tube here." I look him dead in the face. "Nick, that was 3 hours ago." "Jesus Christ, really?" He checks his watch. "Bloody hell, I'm sorry mate, I didn't-time got away from me, you know how it is when you're you know, on the job." I hold my hand up. "Unnecessary to apologise. I understand. I'm just a bit surprised at your timing." "I guess I could have hooked up with her later but she was ripe for the taking." "I'm not meaning that I'm surprised you were gone for 3 hours." "You're mad I missed your party? Is it over?" "It never started." He scratches his head. "I don't understand. How can you be upset if it hasn't even started yet? Wait, I thought it was supposed to start at 7? It's half 11 now." "It would have started if someone had shown up." "What?" "Nobody fucking showed up to my party!"

"And this surprises you?" Nick sits down across from me, his party hat crooked. "Quite frankly, yes."  "Forgive me for saying this, Wil, but you're the anti-Christ. You're-" I cut him off. "But all these metalheads love Satan and lay in wait, masturbating with goats blood for, quote, 'my arrival' and they couldn't even come to my birthday party?" Nick pulls his chair closer to me and puts his hand on my knee. "Isn't this a sign that something is wrong?" "Yes." "What are you going to do about it? Do you have any plans?" "I'm gonna get better friends! Fuck these people!" I stand up and straighten my party hat. "I don't need these sad sacks! More MDMA and vodka for me!" I blow on a noise maker. "It's my party and I can drink if I wanna" I start singing as I open a bottle of vanilla flavoured vodka. "Who the fuck bought this?" I look at the bottle for a second time. I take a long swig. "Goddamn, why does it taste like Martha Stwart's panties?" "How would you know what they taste like?" Nick catches himself. "You know what? I don't want to know. Why don't we just have some birthday cake?" "What's the point? It's just another useless day." I take another long drink from the bottle and cough. "That's no way to behave! Maybe this is why nobody showed up; you're a constant cloud of negativity." I whack Nick with the bottle and vodka splashes. "They know what they're getting when they befriend me. I'm upfront about who I am." I stop thinking about the compartments deep within me filled to the brim with secrets and deadbolted. Well, those are the things that I can't let free. 

"They could have at least lied to me and pretended like they do every other day! What made this day special where all of them decided they wanted to be truthful?" "You have a skewed view of the truth, mate." I pout and fall back onto a chair. "This cost me a lot of money!" I know using the m-word will capture Nick's attention and his anger. He's the cheapest man I've ever met. "How much did it cost you?" He asks, his tone serious. It cost me almost £2,000." His face turns an odd reddish purple and so do his ears. I know I've got him now. "What the fuck sort of people are these? You've really shelled out for a nice party here! You even got ice-cream cake to go with the regular cake!" "It's also vegan because I have a few mates who are vegan, you know I was thinking of their needs. Cost me extra this kind thought did." He grabs a fork. "Well, I won't let it go to waste! Cut me a slice!" I smile wide. "You're a real mate here, Nick." 

I cut him a thick slice of cake and watch as he shovels it in. A wide grin carves itself into the lower half of my face. "Aren't you going to eat any of this? Oh, right, you don't eat." "Of course I eat. Just not in public." He looks around. "It's an empty hall. It's just me. I'm not public, aren't I? You've known me since we were knee-high." I nod. "I guess I can have a bit of icing." I scrape the bottom edge of the cake's icing with my finger. "Back to what you were saying about me being an asshole and nobody liking me." I stick my finger in my mouth and suck the icing off. Nick almost chokes on his cake. "I didn't exactly say-" "You did. Go on." I light a cigarette. "I don't think you can smoke in here." "Smoke my pole. I do what I want to." He doesn't argue, just returns to his cake. "Well? What about this nobody liking me shit?" "I mean, maybe they just forgot. Maybe they don't think you like them much. You have an interesting brand of friendship, mate." My stare burns deep into his little round face. "What I mean is that you're an acquired taste. You're unlike anyone I've ever met. You're-" I cut him off, waving my cigarette. "I'm your only friend!" He cuts another piece of cake. "That's not true. I have one other friend! And I guess Jason is a friend." "I thought you thought him a Christ killer, Mr Catholic." "Well, I mean, he didn't personally kill our Lord and Saviour." I snort. 

"Come off it with that bit of waffle! Nobody believes in fairy tales anymore, Nick. We're civilized humans for the most part. I don't think you can really tame the beast within." "I don't know about all that, but even you can't be so cynical to believe there is nothing out there." "Eh!" I stand up and grab the vodka bottle off the table. "Where are you going? There's still a lot of cake to be eaten! What about all the other stuff?! What about your presents?!" I lean down in his face. "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK AND I DIDN'T GET ANY CUNTING PRESENTS!!" I straighten up and take a long drink of vodka. "You can't drink drive it's-" He stops short seeing the enraged look on my face. "You'll do what you want to, I know. Just promise me you'll be safe. I don't want to be going down to the morgue to claim your corpse." "Wrap up all this shit will, ya? See you later, party animal." I open the door and ignore Nick's sighs as I step out into the cool of the night. It smells like rain and smoke. Goddamn, I love autumn.