Christ Tales Take 3

You got it, I'm back to offend with my latest collection of material featuring Christ, his pale and other figures that appear in one of history's favourite series, The Bible. Beloved by believers and sinners alike,  these hilarious spin-off portions of the bible are guaranteed to impress and inform.


We catch up with Jesus as he finishes washing his mother’s ass; a punishment inflicted upon him after the incident at the club a few days before. Our Lord in training almost loses a finger when the animal, frustrated by the cold water attempts to bite him in a bid for freedom. Meanwhile, a few doors down, James is in trouble with his mother for once again wasting rare fruits in a boyish attempt to perfect his cunnilingus skills by performing it on the (maybe un-consenting) fruit. 

Speaking of non-consensual acts, our boy Barabbas is once again in trouble, appearing before the local judge/grand wizard to defend himself against claims of sexual acts with his former employer’s camels. The camels aren’t complaining and the court can’t seem to charge him with animal abuse because the animals have been in a better mood.

Peter and Jesus sneak off from Torah lessons to drink wine. The fun and criminal acts begin when the two drunks decide it's a great idea to light each other's farts. The two drunken men steal a lantern from a widow's window and take turns farting into the flame. Things get out of control when Peter's blue angel is larger than expected and some of the shrubs at the local nursery catch fire. The fire spreads to the greenhouse and within moments a wildfire has broken out and begins to rip through Jersuseulm. The two culprits drunkenly flee while Emperor Tiberius declares a national emergency.

Peter's brother Andrew finds himself in hot water upon making a joke about how he made Tiberius' little sister burn hotter than the flames of the Jersuleum fire. He's detained and question about his relation to the fire, unaware that his brother and Jesus were the ones behind the incident. A paranoid Peter and Jesus who are high off the smoke from the marijuana that was being grown illegally concoct a plot to kill Andrew. The two lurk outside the local holding cell/slave dungeon waiting to make their move. Upon seeing a man leaving the building, the two stoned nitwits tackle the unassuming man to find out that its Tiberius himself. They back peddle and try to convince the emperor that they were only trying to save him from what they believed to be an assassination attempt. Tiberius doesn't buy it and orders the two to be arrested. When they are given their one phone call, Peter calls Jesus only to not realise that he's back in their holding cell and becomes enraged. Upon arrival back to his holding cell he spots Jesus and exclaims that he's here to rescue him, but then remembers his friend is also incarcerated. Jesus uses his phone call to ring his father, (God, not Joseph) to get them out of trouble. God bewitches Tiberius who sets the two boys free, under the impression he's doing a good deed.

Meanwhile on the other side of town Simon is arrested for insider trading. The head bean counter noticed some irregularities and called the revenue services and had an investigation launched. They discovered that Simon was indulging in what they've called witchcraft and using these insights to make trades in the local fish market to boost his fisherman's union's portfolio. What the authorities fail to realise is that God was the one giving him the information, as he had a controlling interest in the union's portfolio and public image. God, wanting to keep a low profile, as usual, fails to make an appearance when he promises to get Simon out of trouble. He's told that he's going to go trial and asks his friend Bartholomew represent him. Bartholomew mainly handles hit and run donkey cart situations and custody agreements with livestock and is out of his depth when Pontious Pilot launches one of his classic verbal assaults down on Simon. In the end, Simon is sent to prison for a term of 5 months breaking rocks and is given 40 lashes when he fails to name his secret partner. Pilot doesn't believe that God is the secret partner.


I'm hoping to get another instalment of Christ Tales up during Dickcember but with work and other crazy shit going on, I don't know if I'll be able to. There will be an update on Dickcember later this week, outlining some of the things that will be going down and all that good stuff. Thanks for reading. Until next time!