Happiness & Homicide: The Conjugal Visit

Phil walks in and sits down across from me. “Do you know that woman?” I light a cigarette. “No, I don’t. She got lost and ended up down here.” “Is that your way of telling me that you were having a conjugal visit?” “Yeah.” Phil turns and stares out the door after her longingly for a few moments before turning back to me. “I didn’t know you were allowed them.” I shake my head.“I’m not. I did the warden a favour and he did one for me in return.” He sighs and sets down his notepad. “I don’t want to know what you did or how you got him sucked into your insanity vortex.” I laugh and exhale the smoke. “You sounded just like Nick there. He’s said the same thing on more than one occasion.” “I’m not surprised.”  “You know what this reminds me of?” I take a seat across from him.”I can only imagine what you’re going to tell me.” 

"This reminds me of the plagues of Egypt.” “Sex reminds you of the plagues of Egypt? How?” “Not the sex, the situation with the warden.” “Mr Michelle? Why?” I start laughing. “Ah, his surname gets me every time. It’s no surprise they just call him warden, is it? A man who’s supposed to be tough and in charge of other tough men given a woman’s name as his surname? That’s some flavour of irony, is it not?” “I guess.” “Anyway, the situation with him reminds me of the plagues because in this situation I am God.” Phil cuts me off. “How are you God if you’re the prisoner? Wouldn’t he be God?” “Would you let me finish? Christ.” I stub out my cigarette. “I’m God because he has the ultimate power over Pharaoh. The warden is Pharaoh. You see, God can do whatever he wants right?” Phil nods to show he’s with me. “And no matter how mighty Pharaoh is, he’s still not on the same level with God. You can talk all you want about free choice, but the game was rigged from the start." "What?"

"He sent Moses to tell Pharaoh to free his people and if he didn’t there would be consequences. Pharaoh didn’t listen and plagues were brought to the lands of Egypt. God could have forced Pharaoh to free the Israelites easy, without agony, bloodshed and death, but instead, he chose to be a prick. He set it up so whatever Pharaoh did, he would suffer. He took the man’s firstborn son from him when he actually didn’t need to.” He opens his mouth and shuts it. “And then you wonder why I denounce the idea of God. And if there is a God somewhere, you have to admit that this 'Free Will' business is the ultimate cock yank. Living with that hanging over your head? Not for me. I’ve seen the beauty and wonders of this world and I’ve seen the degradation and ugliness of this world. And if there is a God one could argue that he’s cruel. We are doomed only to suffer and die. It ultimately doesn’t matter what we do, what we’ve deemed right and wrong, good or evil because he’s going to decide what happens to us anyway.” 

Phil is on the edge of his seat. "We're never actually told any of his rules. All the rules and guidelines and shit like that was given to men by other men. They wrote down what they thought was what God wanted. They could have just made it up as they went along; actually, they did, but that's not the point here. The point is that all of this is just the idea of another creature like you and me, not a supreme being. How do they even know this is what God wants? Sure, they claim that he appeared to them, but I'm pretty sure they had schizophrenics back then too. All these ideas that they're preaching and shit could be in complete opposition to what he really wants." I sit back and laugh. "I love it when these kind of ideas backfire horribly. It gives me this small tingling in my gooch." Phil clears his throat. "Pardon me? Your what?" "Gooch. You know the bit of skin between your arsehole and your ballbag." Phil's face falls. "Thanks for the anatomy lesson." "That's what I'm here for."

 “This just circles back to Judas’s truth. Remember we talked about this?” I see the playback of our discussion in his eyes. He squirms in his chair. “When you think about it that way, a lot of the shit in the Gospel of Judas starts making a lot more sense doesn’t it? People refuse to question and be realistic.” I fish around in my pocket and pull out a lolly. “You want?” “Where did you get candy?” “I got a package from an admirer.” I hand him a lolly. “I like in America that they’re also known as suckers. Sounds sexual and fitting. Children eat suckers and suckers are stupid like children.” “You’ve really put a lot of thought into the existence of God, haven’t you?” “Well, time is one thing that I have an abundance of.” I gesture around the cell. “I do think on other things, help you and all that. Before I came to this little place called Wonderland, I was rather agnostic about things. In my youth, I questioned God, his so-called wonders, the teachings of the church. There was once a short time when I considered a life in the church.” Phil nearly swallows his lolly. “W-W-What?” He coughs out. I suck on the candy and let him stir for a few minutes. 

“Back to our friend Judas. Remember how I said that the gospel stated, or rather, proposed the thought that God wasn’t the almighty? Just one on a totem pole? When you question things, look around at things, you come to see that things are almost never what they seem. You thought I was just messing with your head when I brought up those ideas others regard as trash but let me ask you this, didn’t it open your mind up to other possibilities?” “It did. It made me think about all the things I was taught as a child. I wasn’t raised Catholic, but it did instil some doubt in me.” I crack a smile and he pulls back. “This is what you wanted, isn’t it! You wanted to turn me into an aggressive, unfeeling atheist like you!” I raise my hand. “No, I wanted you to question and doubt everything, not just faith. You applied the question and doubt to your faith, not me.” “Then why did you bring up God?” “Because it’s the biggest mystery of them all, isn’t it? Ultimately, isn’t it the only one that matters? In the absurdity of life, everything can be ended when a final breath is drawn and exhaled. Simple. Death, is far more complex, the mystery, not the action, because there are no answers. The only thing certain about death is that an Earthly form of it occurs. The method, pain level even our expectations are different for every individual on the face of the planet. If that doesn’t get you thinking, I don’t know what will.” 

I lean back and stretch.”You had case questions before we got distracted with this conjugal visit shit.” “Hold on! You never told me about how you got him to let you have sex with her! She was amazing-I mean, I don’t want to talk out of turn here, but she was beautiful.” I shrug. “Ad.” Phil drops his lolly. “She-She was a hooker?! You brought a hooker into this facility?! How did you even get hold of her?!!” “I get this newsletter delivered you see, they’ve got ads in the back of them, just like they used to in the late 90’s. I remember combing through a bunch of my dad’s old things, anyway, all I did was ring her up, tell her where I was, what I wanted and that I’d pay for her travel expenses.” Phil sits back in awe. “I rang her under the guise of me ringing my lawyer, then I just told the warden I needed some alone time in my cell to speak to my cousin. He didn’t think twice, nor should he have and bam. Nookie for Wil.” “You always get what you want, don’t you?” “More or less. Now you had questions for little ol’ me?” Phil shakes his head. “You never cease to amaze me with your wonders.” “Word has it that's what Moses said to God.” Phil shoots me a sharp look. “You are without a doubt, the anti-Christ.”  I smile at him. “And who said you’re not charming?”