Danny & Pork Chop Go Scandinavian Day 4: Linköping (The Great Disappointment)

Some of you may know that I am a massive Ghost fan and you'd seen me tweeting about getting Ghost tattoo while on this trip. I wanted to go to Linköping not only to visit because that's where the band originated, but to get tattooed there as well. Almost two weeks in advance I contacted a local shop, set up a time, sent them my idea and reference artwork and was told they'd see me then. I couldn't have been more excited. It was really the main thing I was looking forward to on this trip. Actually, it was the reason I wanted to go to Sweden to relax. I knew I'd land in Stockholm and continue on to Linköping either via bus or train.

I wanted to cover up my Virgin Mary tattoo for several reasons, mainly because it's ugly and doesn't look like the painting that I wanted to be captured. I've hated it since I got it done and it really doesn't suit me. I love the artwork and I'm fascinated by some of the history of Catholicism and Christianity, but I really don't believe in it. I'm more of the 'there is no God' group. Back to the story. I told the shop that I wanted to cover up the Mary tattoo with a nameless ghoul from Ghost and the guy at the shop said he could do it, probably through in some other Ghost stuff. I was excited. Finally, something to really look forward to. (Not that I wasn't looking forward to my next Smashing Pumpkins tattoo.) I was sad to leave Stockholm, wanting more time there, but was dying to finally get the cover up and enjoy the real reason for my trip to Sweden.

I awoke early on the day of the tattoo, excitement and anxiousness flooding me. It wasn't that far a walk from the hotel, but I didn't want to risk not being there for 10. I shuffled along the snowy streets, snapping pictures of the morning as I headed to the shop. The city was really just waking up and life was starting to teem from the snow-blanketed city. I got to the shop with about 20 minutes to spare. I didn't want to wander around and risk not making it back in time, so I stood to the side of the building playing Bejewelled on my iPad, but it wasn't long before an alien feeling crept into me. I glanced up to see three blonde women, heavily made-up standing near the shop. They could be waiting for the place next door to open up, but I'm surprisingly self-conscious. I feel small and dumpy eyeballing them from afar. I hope they're not good looking up close. I know it's a nasty thought but its one that makes me feel better about my ugliness. I try my best to ignore them and concentrate on my game.
I check the time. 10:02. I look up and the blondes are gone. I breathe a sigh of relief. I head into the shop and see one of them parked on the sofa and two behind the counter talking to one of the artists, discussing a project. They must work here or something. A man about my age and height says hi to me and asks me what he could do for me. I pull out my phone and bring up the Facebook conversation about the appointment and tattoo. "Hi, I'm here to do the Ghost tattoo. We'd talked about on Facebook, the appointment is for 10." The guy looks down at the phone. "Oh, you wanted to do the ghoul. I was thinking doing more of a ghost thing." "What?" "It won't work as a cover-up. It's too much to try and hide." Excuse me? I'm trying to hold my temper in. Why the fuck would he agree to it and book me in if he couldn't do it? Though, judging by his tone, he didn't want to do it. "I can draw something out, make this more ghost-like." That's not what I fucking wanted...wait, he doesn't even have art drawn up? He knew I was coming at least a week in advance, why wouldn't he have at least a sketch or two ready to show me? Before I can ask him why he didn't have anything drawn up to show me he says, "So, what time do you want to do this?" "I thought we said 10." He gestures to the blonde on the sofa, texting, who now has her tits out practically. "She got here first." "Excuse me? We said 10:00, that I would be here for 10 because I was in the area just for this day...I'm here just to get tattooed and shoot." "You can come back at 11:30."  
I feel my anger throbbing. And rather than lose my shit and punch him, I told it in. "You know what? Fuck you." I pull my hoodie back on and head out the door. What kind of unprofessionalism is this? Don't have the art ready and take some whore over me after we agreed on a time? Not to mention not wanting to do what we'd discussed. I don't like being lied to, especially when it concerns tattooing. I slam the shop door and head out into the breezy morning air, my mood dark and sour. This entire trip was for nothing. I'm too pissed off and distraut by what's just happened so I head back to the hotel, moving faster than I did on the way to the shop. 

I slam through the door and into my room, collapsing onto the bed. Why has this happened? Things were perking up for me, I was starting to feel alive again and this has to go and happen? I know I'm not that attractive, but to take some slut over someone who has an appointment? My self-consciousness stirs in me and begins to whisper. "Maybe if you were better looking, they'd have had no problem taking you on time." I know the idea is moronic, logically, but I can't help but believe in it. My doubts and feelings of inferiority swell around me and my mood reaches the lowest point it has all week. I don't want to go out. I don't want to shoot. I just want to lay here and hide. I slip into my jimjams and pull the blanket over my head, curling up with Pork Chop. I want to cry. I've been humiliated and disrespected and I paid to come here. The flight, the coach ticket, the hotel...hundreds only to be hit over the head with disappointment. I could have stayed home and been abused for free. I guess on one hand it's nice to know that I'm a piece of shit everywhere and it's not exclusive to just being at my home. 

Maybe I can get some work done while I'm here, seeing as I don't want to go out. I try and focus for a while, but I give up, the silence too eerie for my liking. I put on House for background noise and that helps to settle me. I begin to work on blogs I'm behind on, work on the manuscript and write more of the behind the scenes inspiration. My thoughts drift back to the museum filled day in Stockholm and for a moment I find a smile has etched itself into the lower half of my face. That was the best day I've had since, well forever. And then the thought that I want to share a day like that with Chubb hits me. I've never wanted to bring someone along, show them the more quiet side of my world. I know he's a fan of things like this, but we've never really discussed anything like this. For the first time ever, I really want to open up and it's alarming. Do I really want to do this? Am I ready for this? Is this the right time to jump into something like this?
My instinct is to pull away and that's exactly what I do when he mentions his day. He had a great one and achieved something I've been struggling to do for years. The feelings of warmth and wanting him around, shatter and are replaced by feelings of hatred and loathing. If he were here with me I'd probably smack him around the face and leave. I didn't think it possible, but my mood darkens and I tell him to just leave me alone. I don't care what he's achieved and in this moment, I never want to see him again. It's just another massive fuck you to me. Another way to make me feel inferior. 

Looking back it was less to do with what he achieved, although I am still slightly pissed that once again I'm not good enough and can't even begin to compete with him. Maybe it shouldn't be a competition, but in a way, it always will be. We're working in similar fields, so it's natural we'd butt heads a time or two; that and the fact we basically have the same personality. The rest of the day was spend in a negative haze, lingering between thoughts of self-harm and it really being over with Chubb. I didn't think I'd be so happy to leave the city behind. I liked Linköping as a city and maybe would like to see more of it, but not for a while. I need to get over the reeling disappointment of the day and be able to not equate the city with it. Thankfully, the train I needed to take left pretty early in the morning so I didn't have to spend much more time hanging around, submerged in the memory.