Take Me Away: Difficulty with Ordering
This might strike some of you as odd since I run a baking blog and whatnot, but I have serious issues with food. I have for a long time now, well over a decade. It's not just that I'm picky there are also things that I can't have, things that I'm afraid of and so on. It hit me as I sat pouring over menu items when I landed in Sweden this afternoon that I'd never written about the difficulty that I've experienced when ordering takeaways while on holiday or book tours. It goes well beyond food and into issues of self-esteem and body image. It's kind of a vicious cycle.
When one is on holiday and is staying in a hotel, one tends to eat out whilst away. I manage one meal, sometimes I can't even do that at all. The anxiety that fills me over ordering takeaways is beyond reality really. Nausea overcomes me, I feel the serious need to be sick; sometimes I even dry heave. I work myself into a state of dizziness. Sometimes I even sweat as my stomach turns itself inside out and knots up. I shouldn't be ashamed, I know that. Everybody eats. Consuming energy. It's a vital function of living and yet I'm ashamed that I have to. What the fuck is this? Sometimes thinking of eating as the consuming of energy helps to calm me down a bit; it's more clinical and less about deserving and more about the fueling required to stay alive. Ah, then I have the questions of 'Do I even deserve that?' plague me. There's no escape. It gets me one way or another. Sometimes I feel like I might cry over this torture. Why do I have to be this way? Why does this shit have to haunt me on top of everything else? I worry how I will be perceived when I order something-even a salad. It's like a perpetual catch 22. Salad = he must have some kind of issue. Pizza = why doesn't that fatass eat something low calorie? I worry what they're going to think about that the entire time I'm waiting for the delivery. Then there's the added worry of wondering what they're going to make of me. It's like a twisted flavour of narcissism. I know logically, they don't give a fuck who I am or what I look like, but my irrationalities take over and scream at me. It feels like fireworks have been set off inside my skull sometimes. When I hear the knock on the door, I feel a shot of adrenaline. Complete fight or flight. It doesn't matter that I can speak the language or that I know the total without having to ask, there's always that fear I'll be laughed at or I'll make a fool of myself. Sometimes I really don't do myself any favours. But honestly, this happens EVERY time that I go away anywhere and order takeaway. Fuck me, it even happens at my own house on the rare occasion that I feel like getting one. I need to work on this. The worry isn't good for anything. And I've come to the realisation by looking back that it's getting progressively worse. Nothing's happened to worsen it. I've not been made fun of or laughed at (that I know about) there's been no trauma, but the fear is evolving into a Charzard. Maybe this will be a year I will work on growing more than just herbs in my garden. And I'm talking about growing some self-esteem not pot, though that would be an added bonus. Watch, some drug enforcement agency will be all over this shit because I made that joke.
I have the same kind of issues in the grocery store but I'll save that for a later date. I fear that the delivery people will make fun of me, either for what I order or the amount that I do. Sometimes I have a bit more hunger or I just want to have something in case I get peckish or need something to try and settle my sqeedilyspooch after taking some of my meds.I eat one meal a day, sometimes a snack or two in the day but most days I just sit with diet cola or water waiting for a time when I feel okay to eat. Not eating makes my stomach feel so much better, but then I feel the need to eat and I do and then the cycle of hating and sometimes pain comes with it.
How do you guys who also have food anxieties, eating disorders and or social anxiety issues deal with this? I do take meds, but they barely take the edge off. I'm looking for other suggestions, tricks, tips or whatever to try and ease it. I can't handle any more stress.
There will be a new travel blog coming soon and a new tattoo blog as well! Keep an eye out for those and more as Pork Chop and I make our way through Sweden and Norway!
When one is on holiday and is staying in a hotel, one tends to eat out whilst away. I manage one meal, sometimes I can't even do that at all. The anxiety that fills me over ordering takeaways is beyond reality really. Nausea overcomes me, I feel the serious need to be sick; sometimes I even dry heave. I work myself into a state of dizziness. Sometimes I even sweat as my stomach turns itself inside out and knots up. I shouldn't be ashamed, I know that. Everybody eats. Consuming energy. It's a vital function of living and yet I'm ashamed that I have to. What the fuck is this? Sometimes thinking of eating as the consuming of energy helps to calm me down a bit; it's more clinical and less about deserving and more about the fueling required to stay alive. Ah, then I have the questions of 'Do I even deserve that?' plague me. There's no escape. It gets me one way or another. Sometimes I feel like I might cry over this torture. Why do I have to be this way? Why does this shit have to haunt me on top of everything else? I worry how I will be perceived when I order something-even a salad. It's like a perpetual catch 22. Salad = he must have some kind of issue. Pizza = why doesn't that fatass eat something low calorie? I worry what they're going to think about that the entire time I'm waiting for the delivery. Then there's the added worry of wondering what they're going to make of me. It's like a twisted flavour of narcissism. I know logically, they don't give a fuck who I am or what I look like, but my irrationalities take over and scream at me. It feels like fireworks have been set off inside my skull sometimes. When I hear the knock on the door, I feel a shot of adrenaline. Complete fight or flight. It doesn't matter that I can speak the language or that I know the total without having to ask, there's always that fear I'll be laughed at or I'll make a fool of myself. Sometimes I really don't do myself any favours. But honestly, this happens EVERY time that I go away anywhere and order takeaway. Fuck me, it even happens at my own house on the rare occasion that I feel like getting one. I need to work on this. The worry isn't good for anything. And I've come to the realisation by looking back that it's getting progressively worse. Nothing's happened to worsen it. I've not been made fun of or laughed at (that I know about) there's been no trauma, but the fear is evolving into a Charzard. Maybe this will be a year I will work on growing more than just herbs in my garden. And I'm talking about growing some self-esteem not pot, though that would be an added bonus. Watch, some drug enforcement agency will be all over this shit because I made that joke.
I have the same kind of issues in the grocery store but I'll save that for a later date. I fear that the delivery people will make fun of me, either for what I order or the amount that I do. Sometimes I have a bit more hunger or I just want to have something in case I get peckish or need something to try and settle my sqeedilyspooch after taking some of my meds.I eat one meal a day, sometimes a snack or two in the day but most days I just sit with diet cola or water waiting for a time when I feel okay to eat. Not eating makes my stomach feel so much better, but then I feel the need to eat and I do and then the cycle of hating and sometimes pain comes with it.
How do you guys who also have food anxieties, eating disorders and or social anxiety issues deal with this? I do take meds, but they barely take the edge off. I'm looking for other suggestions, tricks, tips or whatever to try and ease it. I can't handle any more stress.
There will be a new travel blog coming soon and a new tattoo blog as well! Keep an eye out for those and more as Pork Chop and I make our way through Sweden and Norway!
Oh, and there will be one Valentine's Day special for the blog as well! Whipped that up before I left for Stockholm the other day, so don't worry. I had a few other things planned, but you'll have to get those throughout the year, rather than all at once.
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