DELECTABLES WITH DAN: Check Out My Heart Shaped...

I could have really gone with a Nirvana reference for the title, but I thought that would be a bit much...though, in a funny way, I kind of did. Heart Shaped Box, Check Out My Heart Shaped...Anyhoodles, the week, yes, fucking week, of impersonal sadness will soon be upon us. You all know what week I'm talking about. Valentine's week. Everyone over the age of 12 knows that Valentine's is dragged out and blown way out of proportion by at least a week. Some assholes run right out and start their decorating and or shopping for their *gag* "sweetheart" or "Pookie" before they've taken the New Year's Confetti out of their hair or body folds. It's appalling.

**Make sure that you silicone mould, if you're using one and not a mini heart-shaped baking pan IS oven safe. You don't want that to melt and cause a fire in your kitchen. Save the first for the bedroom...no wait, that sounds like you're about to give somebody chlamydia and no one wants that; especially on V-Day.

YOU WILL NEED:
1 strawberry cake mix 

1 chocolate cake mix
**If you cannot find a strawberry cake mix, simply use a white/yellow cake mix and add 3-4 droplets of strawberry extract.

You will need a mini round cake pan and 1-3 (depending on how many you have or can buy) heart-shaped silicone baking moulds. There are no promises that the baking mould will not stick, so grease it anyway with a light burst of baking/cooking spray. You don't want your mini cake ending up like Pooh Bear's arse in Rabbit's front door. 

We're going to be doing a few different variations on here so do enjoy yourselves and make whatever versions you want. It's a lot of batter so I had to get creative with some of the things because remember it's two entire cake mixes that we've got here. I didn't think of cutting the mixes in half before I started because well, I was jerking around. 

Pre-Heat your oven to 165C (325F). Mix up each of the batters in separate bowls. Using a ladle, fill the baking moulds/pan with batter. Put the baking moulds on a baking tray. It will be so much easier to take the little bastards out of the oven. Allow them to bake for 30 minutes or until done. Make sure they are fully done before removing them from heat; just like the doctor will do before pulling out your wife/girlfriend's baby. Well, technically the kid is half yours too..well then again with everybody swapping fluids and turkey baster motherhood it might not be half yours. Once you remove them, don't put them on a scale or into a woman's arms, but set them on a rack to cool. It's cold as fuck outside, so if you're able to, set them outside to cool nicely. 

We're going to be using three different colour icings. Poppy Pink, Seductive Scarlet & Cumshot Cream. And we're going to do another icing. Just hit me as I was prepping the rest of the icing. Poppin' Pussy Purple! It's more of a lilac colour, but I didn't want to go with Lezzie Lilac. Just didn't have that good a ring to it. (Nothing against lesbians.) Now if you're a cheap bastard like I am and only have one icing tool and don't like those shitty low-grade condoms, you're going to do the white icing first. Then again, you'd probably want to to do the white icing first. 

Pop out those heart-shaped cakes onto a clean surface; for the little two-layer heart cakes, cut the excess cake off the top using a cake leveller. Then using the white buttercream icing, coat their tits-I mean little tops with it. Since they're small, it would be best to use a butter knife for this kind of work, unless you have a tiny-arsed icing tool. Do they even make those? They must for midgets and such. 

Since the fucking pigs I live with ate all of the chocolate cake shaped-hearts and all but three of the strawberry ones I will only be able to tell you how to make the cakes, not show you the finished product for all of them. I had to improvise as I was short on money, time and patience. This happens more than you might think with this shit. Anyway, let's get back to it, shall we? Once you have evened out the heart-shaped cakes, all of them, chocolate and strawberry, using the white buttercream icing, you are going to ice three bottom cupcakes. You choose which flavours will be tops and which will be bottoms. It doesn't matter. It's preference.

Using one of the chocolate cakes and one of the strawberry cakes, the round ones, not the heart-shaped ones, level them using a cake leveller. You want them to be even. Set the chocolate on the bottom and the strawberry on the top. Before putting the strawberry on top of the chocolate take a bit of the white buttercream icing and spread a decent sized layer and ice the top of the chocolate. Gently press the two cakes together. Using the white icing, ice the entire outside of the cake with it. Smooth it out with your icing spatula. Using the purple or whatever colour you'd like, ice little bursts around the top of the cake. I was going to alternate between the three colours but I ran out of icing too. I swear to fuck they'll eat anything not nailed down. I could make a joke about nailing but I'm too pissed off to even think of one. 



If you don't want to or in my case, have run out of your fucking heart-shaped cakes, you can simply ice the tops of the single layers, like cupcakes! Using the same star tip and whatever icing colour your want or colours, use the same burst technique to ice all the way around the outside of the heart-shaped cake and work your way into the centre.


BUY:
Heart Shaped Silicone Baking Mould: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lets-Get-Baking-Silicone-Cupcake/dp/B00LGZFYWM/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1516215777&sr=8-3&keywords=heart+shaped+baking+mould

LINKS 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dandelectables/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/DanDelectables
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