Delectables With Dan: Let's Make Some Whoopie....Pies
I wanted to take things in a different direction on Delectables with Dan today. I've been doing a lot of cupcakes, mini-cakes and shit like that, but I really want to start branching out, so we're going to start small with this! This recipe is for a massive Whoopie Pie, but if you're wishing to make smaller or normal sized pies, this should make about 16-18 when all said and done. As usual, I have my adorable little assistant Pork Chop with me, but he's going to be sat in the corner for some of this because marshmallow and he are a dangerous combination.
INGREDIENTS
CAKE MAKIN MADNESS
260g plain flour
INGREDIENTS
CAKE MAKIN MADNESS
260g plain flour
130g cocoa powder
2 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
2 tsp vanilla essence
2 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
2 tsp vanilla essence
480ml buttermilk
225g softened butter
225g softened butter
440g light brown sugar
2 large eggs
2 large eggs
**It may be difficult for you to mix the amounts together in the quantities listed so you might have to divide the ingredients in half.**
In one small bowl whisk together the buttermilk and vanilla essence. Set that to the side you're going to need that later. In a large mixing bowl mix together In a large bowl start by adding your flour and bicarbonate of soda. Mix them together well. Add your salt and cocoa. Mix together well. Now pack that light brown sugar in there, yeah, just like Chubbs in a pair of skinny jeans after an all you can eat buffet. Add the light brown sugar to the mixture. (You really should pack the sugar, though most people don't think you need to.) Add your semi-melted, softened butter, because by this time it's melted cause of the heat of the kitchen, to the mixture. Give it a good stir with a baking spoon before using an electric mixer to blend together the ingredients. It will be a pain in the ass to try and do it all together, so if you don't have one of those massive stand electric mixer, you're gonna be in deep shit.
In one small bowl whisk together the buttermilk and vanilla essence. Set that to the side you're going to need that later. In a large mixing bowl mix together In a large bowl start by adding your flour and bicarbonate of soda. Mix them together well. Add your salt and cocoa. Mix together well. Now pack that light brown sugar in there, yeah, just like Chubbs in a pair of skinny jeans after an all you can eat buffet. Add the light brown sugar to the mixture. (You really should pack the sugar, though most people don't think you need to.) Add your semi-melted, softened butter, because by this time it's melted cause of the heat of the kitchen, to the mixture. Give it a good stir with a baking spoon before using an electric mixer to blend together the ingredients. It will be a pain in the ass to try and do it all together, so if you don't have one of those massive stand electric mixer, you're gonna be in deep shit.
You'll need to give it a good mix for 3-5 minutes. The batter will be thicker than most cake batters, though most people describe a whoopie pie as some sort of cake. I don't understand why. It's a sort of cookie thing. A cookie-cake thing? I don't really know. Maybe I should create a poll on this? What do you guys call it? Does it depend on the region in America you're from? Instead of just letting them go, rogue, when they bake, I suppose you could do that if you want, but I'm going to be using cake pans to make these beauties. It makes it easier when your icing, it's got a flat bottom for it. Flat bottom...thankfully my Chubberpuff doesn't. He's a white boy, with a black girl's ass. Perfect. Nice and thicc. Tonnes of junk in the trunk. Ah, yes we're baking Whoopie-though whoopie or whoppi is another term for sex...
Pre-Heat your oven to 175C (350F).
Grease your cake pans before your pour your batter in. You don't want them sticking to the pans because they'll grumble faster than a pothead at a Girl Scout Cookie table. (I've never seen this in real life, I'm judging this off a Facebook post or two that I've seen.)
**I actually rarely use pre-heating, you know? Like I get caught up and I fuckin forget, but it's like that old chestnut; do as I say, not as I do.**
Sweet, Sticky & Mega Fun
Since Chubb isn't here I've gotta find something else to do with my time while the cake-cookie pies bake. They should bake 25 minutes or so. Make sure that your thingies are fully baked before you pull them out of the oven. I don't wanna be responsible for some sloppy pies! Now I bought my fluff (you can too via the link below) but if you either can't or don't want to buy your fluff online I'll tell you how to make it. You do need corn syrup to make it or glucose syrup.
80ml water
80ml water
180g granulated sugar
240g corn syrup
3 room temperature egg whites
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
1 tsp vanilla essence
Whip together the egg whites and the cream of tartar in a bowl using an eclectic mix.
In a small saucepan, add the water, corn syrup and sugar. Make sure that your pan can take a pounding; you want to use the porn star of saucepans. Over low heat, allow the sugar to dissolve, stirring slowly. Be careful not to let this simmer until the sugar has dissolved. Use a candy thermometer to check the temperature; it should be 120C (240F) As soon as you have put the thermometer in, do not stir and allow mixture to simmer. If you mix it, it can cause a crystallisation process, which is something we don't want. Once you reach the needed temperature, remove from heat immediately. Turn the electric mix on and whip the egg whites and cream of tartar for about 4 minutes or until stiff peaks form. Once they've formed, switch the speed down to low and slowly add the sugar syrup you've just created. Make sure that the syrup is liquid and hasn't started to harden before you pour it into the stiff peaks. Whip until mixture is thick and glossy...yum like Chubbs after an afternoon out in the spring sun...I mean, now is it the time to add your vanilla essence and whip on medium-high.
**Any leftover fluff can be stored in jars.**
Now that you've either made your fluff or bought your fluff, it's time to make the cream centre for the Whoopie Pie. You're going to need to mix two batches of this separately because it gets so thick and sticky, its damn near impossible to mix with a hand mixer. I should really look into getting one of those mega stand-up bastards. It would make my life just a bit easier. Well, Easter is coming. Is it bad form to ask for something like that? Oh, well what the fuck, I'm going to anyway.
Whip together the egg whites and the cream of tartar in a bowl using an eclectic mix.
In a small saucepan, add the water, corn syrup and sugar. Make sure that your pan can take a pounding; you want to use the porn star of saucepans. Over low heat, allow the sugar to dissolve, stirring slowly. Be careful not to let this simmer until the sugar has dissolved. Use a candy thermometer to check the temperature; it should be 120C (240F) As soon as you have put the thermometer in, do not stir and allow mixture to simmer. If you mix it, it can cause a crystallisation process, which is something we don't want. Once you reach the needed temperature, remove from heat immediately. Turn the electric mix on and whip the egg whites and cream of tartar for about 4 minutes or until stiff peaks form. Once they've formed, switch the speed down to low and slowly add the sugar syrup you've just created. Make sure that the syrup is liquid and hasn't started to harden before you pour it into the stiff peaks. Whip until mixture is thick and glossy...yum like Chubbs after an afternoon out in the spring sun...I mean, now is it the time to add your vanilla essence and whip on medium-high.
**Any leftover fluff can be stored in jars.**
Now that you've either made your fluff or bought your fluff, it's time to make the cream centre for the Whoopie Pie. You're going to need to mix two batches of this separately because it gets so thick and sticky, its damn near impossible to mix with a hand mixer. I should really look into getting one of those mega stand-up bastards. It would make my life just a bit easier. Well, Easter is coming. Is it bad form to ask for something like that? Oh, well what the fuck, I'm going to anyway.
FLUFF ME DANNI
To make this delicious, sticky and white creamy nectar you'll need the following:
(This is the time where you put your cocks away lads, you'll need them later though)
2 tsp vanilla essence
225g softened butter
315g icing sugar/confectioners sugar
315g icing sugar/confectioners sugar
Since it's damn near fucking impossible to measure this fluff shit, I do it in tablespoons. You will need 10-12 tablespoons of fluff, like massive ones.
In a large mixing bowl, add in HALF of the vanilla, butter and icing sugar. Begin to blend together on low-medium speed. SLOWLY add in 2-3 tablespoons of fluff, blending on medium-high speed. Once things are looking nice and blended, add in the second bit of vanilla essence and butter, another 3 spoonfuls of fluff and mix. Allow mixture to start to get a nice firm body. Add in the rest of the icing sugar and fluff. The mixture will get thicker as you add the rest of the fluff. Blend on high for 3-4 minutes, scraping the side of the bowl as needed to make sure that you fully blend together all the ingredients.
Make sure that your cakes are completely cool before you attempt to ice one of them; if they're not the marshmallow icing will just piss all over the place and you'll have an even bigger and sticker mess than you did when you first saw Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn. Damn, those shorts were so short, weren't they? I was expecting to see an IUD when she bent over! Christ's cupcakes! Right, taking a nice, long and hard icing spatula, dip it into the sweet and moist marshmallow cream, work it around the blade for a little bit, get a nice big dollop on the end of that. Drop onto the flat centre of the cake and begin to work your cream on the cake. Make sure that every inch of its surface has a nice thick covering of your creamy marshmallow goo. Don't be shy about it! Think of it, like you're giving someone an Irish Facial. (Sorry if I used that line before, I'm just really thinking about getting one right now.)
Once you have sufficiently coated the bottom cake, take the second cake, and carefully push it's bottom onto the marshmallow covered seat. Make sure that the nice puffy top of your cake-cookie thing is on top when you do it. Do flat end to flat end. Think of it like those less than correct ideas you had about lesbians when you were 11 years old. You know, the whole scissoring thing. I know three lesbians and they've never scissored. Maybe because they're classy people, I don't know. (This isn't throwing any shade on lesbians btw, it's just a joke.)
Once you have sufficiently coated the bottom cake, take the second cake, and carefully push it's bottom onto the marshmallow covered seat. Make sure that the nice puffy top of your cake-cookie thing is on top when you do it. Do flat end to flat end. Think of it like those less than correct ideas you had about lesbians when you were 11 years old. You know, the whole scissoring thing. I know three lesbians and they've never scissored. Maybe because they're classy people, I don't know. (This isn't throwing any shade on lesbians btw, it's just a joke.)
There we have it!
They're great for parties, get-togethers or just making on a weekend when you're stoned. You can even use these as a substitute for those mundane fuckin' birthday cakes. I'm actually really goddamn sick of birthday cakes...and I have to make one coming up in May. What a treat. I better get some goddamn notice this time, not just "by the way, I'd like a super fudge supreme sundae cake and I need it tomorrow." Trust me, that shit happens more than you think.
BUY:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Marshmallow-fluff-11216-Fluff-Large/dp/B0011CVP2I/ref=sr_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1519662313&sr=8-1&keywords=marshmallow+fluff
They're great for parties, get-togethers or just making on a weekend when you're stoned. You can even use these as a substitute for those mundane fuckin' birthday cakes. I'm actually really goddamn sick of birthday cakes...and I have to make one coming up in May. What a treat. I better get some goddamn notice this time, not just "by the way, I'd like a super fudge supreme sundae cake and I need it tomorrow." Trust me, that shit happens more than you think.
BUY:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Marshmallow-fluff-11216-Fluff-Large/dp/B0011CVP2I/ref=sr_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1519662313&sr=8-1&keywords=marshmallow+fluff
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