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THE METHONING



Today, I went back to the dentist. I'd had my cleaning last week and today it was to do a filling and fix a tooth I cracked. ((Don't even get me started on the shit going on with the wisdom teeth situation.)) I'd just had my teeth finished and was standing outside the dental office waiting for my ride to come pick me up with the "methoning" occurred.     

You know when you see a car wreck and it sometimes seems to go in slow motion? That's what happened here.  I came out of the office and had only put one earbud in when this woman came stumbling down the pavement. She looked lost and confused, so I watched her for a few moments before she swaggered on up to me and started jawing. Now, I speak English, I have no idea what the fuck she was speaking in but it sure as hell wasn't English until I heard, "Yo, what your t-shirt say?" "My shirt? Oh, that's Swedish and the English translation is 'fuck you, you fucking fuck'. It's from a book and film series I enjoy." "Fucking, huh?" "Um, yes." "You look like you'd be a good fuck." "Ah, thank you." "You wanna come back to my place, baby?" "I'm sorry I have somebody that I'm sweet on." I stepped back but she only got closer. "You wanna hang out? Maybe come back to mine? Do you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?" "I have someone I like..." My voice trails off. 

 "Can a girl at least get a hug?" I didn't want to upset her because she was severely intoxicated and I've read crazy stories about women sticking guns or knives in their pussies and then pulling them out. I wasn't about to fuck with that kind of Barney Bag Voo-Doo. She even had one a tall boy in a paper bag she was swigging out of.  At least I'm not this kind of drunk. I'm a funny drunk. Sometimes I take my pants off. Sometimes I get a bit touchy, but when someone's like "No, Dan." I pack it up and move on. Anyhow, I ended up giving her a hug just to appease her. You wanna talk regrets? That was one if I've ever seen one. She kissed my neck. A sloppy, drooly, wet tongue kiss to the side of my neck. Every fibre in my being screamed, "MOVE YOUR ARSE DANIEL!!"  It felt as if I was being set on fire. I felt the adrenaline shoot through me, yet I stayed rooted in the spot. Her tongue danced around the right side of my neck before I pushed her away. It was only a few seconds, but it felt like 20 minutes. 

 "I have to go. I need to go see an oral surgeon about my wisdom teeth." "Yo, are you sure you don't want to? You're so strong baby, nice muscles." She tried to give me a sexy smile but what I got was a jack-o-lantern grin. "Yes, I'm sure! There's only one person I wanna fuck and it's not you! I gotta go!" Then she slapped my ass and I knew in that moment it was time to bolt. I swung round and hauled ass down the block and back into the safety of the dental office, only to glance back and see that she was right behind me. Why is it always the crazy broads I attract?! Jesus Christ! I ducked into the men's toilets where she couldn't get me and breathed a sigh of relief. I had a few minutes before my ride was supposed to be there, so I took the opportunity for an antiseptic scrubbing. Thankfully I carry these wipes in case of unnecessary contact like this.    
I'm not wanting to sound racist, or insensitive or anything, but she smelled like fried chicken, unwashed pussy and malt liquor. Thankfully, she was too busy fighting with her boyfriend over the phone to notice me sneak away and basically swan dive into my mate's car. Honestly, I don't know how I find myself in these situations again and again. Why can't it even be a sober or just clean drunk/fucked up person I attract? With all the shit going on these days, people need to be fucked up just to get through the day, I understand that, but is it too much to take a baby wipe to your armpits and crotch before you go out in public? I think I could make that a public service announcement, especially in the summertime. I could get posters put up in the underground stations or something. I know I can rule hipster cafes out because they don't know what deodorant is most of the time and or would consider the cleansing wipe destructive to mother Earth or something. Are the wipes biodegradable? I think most of them are these days. Why weren't they ever in the first place?

What have we learned from this experience? One, I need to go to a dentist in a better area.  Two, if you're going to do meth shoot it, not smoke it. (I'm just kidding kids, don't do meth.) and Three, I need to start carrying some of that disinfectant spray to spray at these people before they get in my space.                            

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