Synecdoche Dan

Hi.

I'm Dan. 

Pretty much everyone calls me that.

I've got hazel eyes.

Somedays you can see the blue of the sky reflected

in the green and it makes a mesmerising colour. 

The blackest brown hair you could imagine.

It gets wavy, but it's nothing unmanageable. 

And I hate myself. 

It happened one morning when I was a child.

I'd gone to sleep the night before with dreams of 

magic and adventure.

When I woke up in the morning, I hated myself.

I don't know how or why this came to be,

simply that it has and that it will not go away. 

It causes others to hate me too. 

I always wonder what others think of me.
It's bordering on the verge of paranoia.
I fear rejection.
I fear humiliation.
My awkward behaviours only seem to make 
everything worse.
My pathetic attempts at human interaction leave
not only me confused, but others turned off.
Sometimes I doubt there is any end to my depth
of weirdness. 

I'm never on time.

I'm either early or I'm late.

There's no real in-between with me. 

All in or all out. 

I eat things I shouldn't eat. 

I do things I shouldn't do. 

I laugh when I shouldn't laugh. 
I indulge when I shouldn't. 

I'm shit with numbers and finance. 
I always mess up with money.
I overshoot or I fall short. 

I finally got around to eating my Christmas chocolate. 

Just sat there and ate it.
All in a row. 

Then I threw up. 

I don't know what made me do it,

other than the fact that I could.

That and the little voice telling me that I 

would feel better if I did.

I do. 

And why do I?
Why was this expelling of chocolate so 
cathartic? 
Was it be finally being able to visualise that of
which I despise?
Was I able to put a name to a face, so to speak?

I felt out of my body when I was done,

wiping the spooge off my lips, scraping it off my tongue.

I just sat back against the wall.
Then I cried.
Cried because I was weak.
Cried because I had once again engaged in a destructive 
force that threatened to undo some of the good I'd done.
Another thing that threatens the Good Ship Lollipop and sends
me into the waters of danger. 
Cried because I realised that despite my best efforts a zebra 
can't change his stripes...stripes I've been so desperate to change.


Then I wonder what it is I'm waiting for.