It Hurts Too Much To Be Awake

Its all just one giant disappointment.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. 

My fingers dance across the keyboard at break neck speed, speaking of my inner most convictions and secrets. I fill up page after page of what appears to be meaningless slop, people clap and applaud at what believe to be my creativity, but would they feel the same if they knew it was my truths? How would they react if they knew it was my innermost torments spilled across the page, rather than a clever twist of fiction? Would they still scream for me as they do or would they be revolted that someone could actually do such things to themselves? Would they think me a liar that all of this can be house within one individual? Either way, I am setting myself up for a broken heart. I don't know why I do. 

The insanity swirls around me and I'm left feeling malicious. And before I know it, the desperation is welling up inside of me and it feels as if I am about to die. Its a feeling similar to suffocation, but all the while, it's your own mind that is attempting to murder you. Such a concept! Ah, and then the suffocating desperation is gone in a flash and I'm swept up in a different landslide. I feel a surge in my blood, I'm losing control.

I'm worn down and eroded by insults, physical punishments and being fondled, but I'm a better person because of it. I've learned the harsh lessons of reality and I aim never to inflict such things upon another; but there are times that I am nothing short of a failure and I am more vicious than any of my abusers have ever been. I know where to stab and just how to twist the blade, leaving one to bleed to death while I smirk, filled with a crippling amount of self elation. I'm defensive and crude, hiding away behind eyelashes and my shyness. It's rather misleading. While I am skittish at the same time I am manipulative. I understand human behavior and I'm a quick observer. I study movements and emotions and quickly learn how to incapacitate those around me. Why am I like this? Why must I sink to the depths of depravity that scar me and threaten my soul? 

I want to be more than the lonely girl in the corner, lost in the world with tears staining my cheeks. I've travelled the world in search of this comfort, yet my efforts have left me discontent and void of the hope that it will become a reality for me. So I enclose myself in my shell and shake with fear. Can anyone make their way through all of the anxiety and angst in me? I wonder who will see my soft, chewy, gooey core and not be revolted by the childlike love that fills me. I don't want my fear of people to limit me as it has done in the past. Ah, weakness why do you have to impact me in the ways that you do? Why must your viciousness be so focused and sharp? 

The change of seasons sparks avalanches inside me.  I have my reasons to hide. I'm cold inside. Sometimes I feel as if I am a corpse on ice, only avoiding the inevitable decay. The eyes of God are watching me, but still I want someone to see my agony. I'm selfish and narcissistic in this way. I will act in whatever manor to gain attention; my aim is not sympathy or pity, for it makes me sick, all I truly desire it to be remembered. I'm terrified to be forgotten; to be a memory lost in the wind. I hurt myself in the most violent of ways so that people are filled with vivid memories of me. I know what I do is immoral and disgusting, but it is the worst compulsion that dwells within me. I long to be clean. To be rid of this vicious desires and to finally be content with my situation. I do not want to be filled with fear and dread that everyone around me will leave me. I do not want to be suffocated by the fear of forgetfulness or the cure of slipping memory. 

And the things that you think of as self mutilation

are the things that make me feel alive. 

Buried in layer of silence are my secret truths;

the beauty and suffering of this addiction. 

Without judgement, it welcomes me back each time

with open arms. 

When life feels like it's too much to handle, 

it helps just a little to remember that we are all just 

cells with an expiration date.