What I Got (Repraise)

I can't help but remember that foggy and grey day in Prague. It was early spring, the sun rising high through the thick clouds. Peeks of orange would explode with bursts of light every now and then. It was a battle where I wasn't sure who would win. I looked over the river, watching the water flow. Linkin Park's "Leave Out All The Rest" was all that I could hear as I stood in the moment, my breath caught in my chest. All of my anxiety, all my fear seemed to flood me. My guilt seemed to escape me. And then I felt nothing at all. I wonder what I need to do to find that sort of calm all over again? It's really just hit me that things haven't been the same since Christmast 2019. That was the last time things kinda felt alright. The last few years it's as if I've been in a daze, as been the rest of the world. Things moving at different speeds, days and weeks trading places to confuse us. When the world felt into a pandemic state, I guess I fell into a sort of hypnotic state. That was the last time things felt organic. (Although right now I feel like a milk chocolate covered cashew nut and I'm feeling just fine.). It was a differnt time. A time that I desperatly want to go back to. The sense of normality that I had was something that I was just developing. I was gaining the confidence that I needed to start to be myself. A lot of things changed. Now I feel constantly pressured to do everything that I can, but I. suppose, in a more crammed way than ever. I'm always trying to cram as much as I can into living, experience all that I can, but all the while doing this, I wish that I wasn't alive anymore. Or I wish that I was never alive. I feel my thoughts darkening once again, perfect timing as the new year is upon us. I wonder what place I will be in this time next year. I hope it's not plastering on a fake smile and trying to swallow the suicidal thoughts that are beginning to smother me. It's been about three months since since I've felt this depth of depression. Its been a bit hazy over the last few months, but they've been better in terms of the contents of my thoughts. I've noticed over the past three weeks a darker hugh to my thoughts, culimating at of course, the hight of the Christmas season. And it's not even that I had a horrible Christmas. We did a Secret Santa at work, which I got an epic gift from, I got some Funkos that I needed to complete my collection, a firestick and some new high-dose edibles to try. I spent time with Uggie just chilling and relaxing, baked watching my favourite cartoons. I know its not the cannabis. That helps me to think, make new connections, allows me to sleep without the racing thoughts. But there are times when it puts the suicidal thoughts into overdrive. They play on a loop in my head until I'm too exhausted to even entertain the idea of thinking about them again. I feel this constant sense of shame in who I am, what I've achieved and the things that I like. I'm an annoyance, a burden that no one really wants around, but they keep me at an arm's distance in case they ever need money or a favour from me. I don't want to live that kind of existence. My thoughts are becoming so intolerable as of late. Over the past three or four days though they've grown so loud that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've not cut myself since late August or early September; I don't want to relapse on that. I really don't want to start the new year off like that. It's tempting though. I know the pain will calm me down. It will dull the rage that swells inside me, both at myself and those around me. The turmoil that I feel about my thoughts and feelings at myself will drain out of me allowing room for other thoughts. And then it happens. He loses control of the car and we careen off the side of the bridge, smashing through the gaurdrail. Time moves in slow motion as the car pludges into the icy waters. The dark grey of the water is all that I can see. I'm sinking down into the darkness. I don't try to fight it. I leave myself safely secured to the seat. My body starts to rebell, screaming for oxygen. Sometimes you just know when it's time to go. I can't hold my breath any longer, I need to breathe in. My lungs start to burn as water floods them. Panic begins to shoot through me, but this is what I wanted, wasn't it? To finally be free of the pain? To finally be freed by the obsessive thoughts? To finally be free of this Earthly vessel so that I could finally explore beyond the stars? I close my eyes one more time before I realise that there is so much more that I want to see. There are things that I have planned, new experiences I can only have while I'm alive. My thoughts are foggy and my body is begining to feel weighed down. I struggle to release the clip of the seatbelt. I manage to get the door open and free myself. I feel like I can't move my arms. Maybe I'm already dead. No, I can see the little splashes of orange light. That's the sky, I can reach it, I can do it. I've pulled myself out of deeper ruts. I breatk through the surface of the water, coughing, expelling the cold water out of my lungs. I allow myself to float in the water, attempting to process what I'd just indured. I open my eyes again and see that we're still on the road. We've made it over the bridge and around the corner right after the bridge. The relief I feel is clouded by the realisation that I'm still alive. All of that just happened in my head. What do I really want? Am I that unable to handle the thoughts? The emotional pain? The inability to sleep has been weighing heavily on me. Sleep is my escape from it all and laying awake with racing throughts make the days seem longer than they really are. Sleep is my relief. My little bit of alone time, my vacation from the self-conciousness, depressive thoughts and the notion that no one really wants me around. I don't even know if it's possible for me to have a more aligned way of thinking. Maybe this is how I'm supposed to be. Maybe I've just over thought myself into a parallel of no return. Or we can just go back to the concept I started to explore on the previous blog. Maybe none of this is real, that I've been in a coma for decades. Or another possibility is that I'm already dead and all of this is a collective chemical flashback right before you hit that burst of white light. Though when I was temporarily dead, all I saw was blackness, so...who really knows? And if I am dead, what kind of eternity is this? I hope it's just purgatory. Jesus.