Driving in the Rain ⛈️

It's getting hard to get up these days. I'm having trouble sleeping once again, so when I am able to sleep, I want it. It's not so much about the physical fatigue that comes with lack of sleep. It's the unconciousness that I crave. That break from cascading thoughts that I don't want to have. Sometimes it feels like my head is so full of thoughts that they will start to leak out of my ears. I hate how thoughts get stuck on repetative loops in my head; analysing every little thing, breaking it down to the most basic description of things. I want it to stop. I want to block it out. Feelings of worthlessness are mingling with the need to analyse and it's driving me to the brink of insanity. I can't really enjoy things anymore. I'm looking for a distraction, some other place for my mind to go, but they never last long. Bloody handprints and wipes decorate the walls. My thoughts pool out of me. I'm both the pimp and the prostitite. I'm dying for a new type of excitment. Lately, it's all about chasing the next thrill again.. I thought I was almost over this phase in my life, but I feel the pressure mounting once again. The desire to get out, be unbound by rules and regulations, free to induldge in that freedom only iscolation allows you. I'm writing more than ever, inspiration is just flowing out of me. The dry spell that I'd experienced for the majority of 2021 seems like a distmant memory. I'm journalling both here and privately, working on nursing old wounds and digging through layers of scar tissue. Trying to find where the key to relief lies. Maybe it's somewhere inside me. I've spent so much of my life moving across the world in search of answers and discovery; I've found both, but not the answers I've been seeking out. I woudn't change the journeys I've taken, even when moments of severe anxiety drove me into hiding. It's not as if I'm not trying. Last week I outpoured to my therapist...no suggestions offered. Just "I understand." Do you really? Her facial expressions and body language tell me more than her silence does. You can be silent and listenting, take it in, processing. Her burrowed brow tells me that she's struggling process all that I've said to her. I see her struggling to find things to say. I'm not looking for words of comfort. In the slower aspects of my job, where I don't need to really fully focus or concenrate, my thoughts run away from me. They run rampent, telling me that I am going to be a failure at my job, I'm not doing enough, I'm going to be fired. I feel like I'm just a visitor there lately. Like I'm only there to meet a quota of some sort; that I'm not really wanted or welcome there. Recent comments at work have only added to these feelings of iscolation from the group. It's not that I'm not performing, I'm just not really valued as a member of the team. I'm just kind of there to fit a space, that was made clear to me with yesterday's remarks. I don't know if he understands the weight of his words or that I would find myself sleepless once again agonising over the feelings of iscolation that are blooming in my chest. Honestly, I wanted to just leave work and go home and slice myself open. That's the only thing that ever has brought me any sort of emotional relief. It's better than any drug I've ever tried. Maybe because it comes from inside me. Something that I can really call my own. I did it. I did it for me. It's mine and mine alone. I've been dealing with so much lately and that was just the breaking point. I tried to laugh it off, like it meant nothing to me, but it did. Mixed with this deep sadness was anger. I try so hard to do my best, be there for everyone, yet when I turn around I see no one in my corner. Over the last month or so these feelings involving my job have come to light. I have another technician that I'm paired with and more often than not, I feel as if I'm a sort of glorified helper to him, that he doesn't see me as equal, although that's the way things are supposed to be. Maybe it's just me being insecure. Maybe it's me being unable to accept that I'm actually being seen for my ability. Not too long ago I was told by my boss that my hardwork is appriciated and that I have the respect of my partner. It doesn't feel like it. Socially, sure. Professionally? I don't think so. We talk, share stores and enjoy each other's company when it comes down to a sort of friendship; I do enjoy him, I'm just often left perplexed as to why he doesn't seem to want to see me as a workplace equal. I want to learn as much as I can from this job, take it to the next level, but in some respects, I feel trapped. There is the possibility that he doesn't even know that I feel this way, that he doesn't notice what he's doing. I've done it before, hell most people have. I don't know hoe to broach the subject with him. I don't think running to the higher ups for something like this is needed at all. I need to get the self-confidence, the belief that I am good enough, that I won't be met with rejection to ask him about it. I need to figure out a way to talk to him that's not accusing and not offending. I want this to work out and not go home feeling like I'm not doing enough and that they'll notice it and I'll be either demoted or fired. That all might be in my head, but I want to err on the side of caution. I've learned that you need to have things together before things come to a head. This isn't the first time that I've come home from a job and cried my eyes out in the shower. I can't begin to map out just what is wrong with me. I want so badly to be a part of something, to make some sort of difference, but it really feels like it's a fruitless endevour. I was shunned at school, abused there and in the work force I've found worse forms of abuse. Molested by a co-worker-nothing happened. Assaulted by a co-worker-nothing happened. Humiliated, degraded and bullied because of my sexual orientation and gender identity-nothing happened. Threatened by a co-worker-nothing happend. All in different times, work places and cities in my life. I'm the only constant in the situation. I wonder what I've ever done to deserve such treatment. I've experienced this sort of alienation from a young age; I was constantly bullied, left out or humiliated in my formitive years. One year, I had an entire class of 30 students, all of them made fun of me. They would steal my things, throw them away. No one wanted to be partners with me. I ended up doing projects by myself. Scholastically I excelled and doing projects by myself gave me the chance to shine, gave me something I could be proud of. I tried to hard to prove myself to those around me. I wanted so desperately to be noticed. I've spent the last 30 years feeling that I am not good enough, that no one sees me. It's something that still weighs on me to this day. It runs through my head often; it's kind of hard not to when you're reminded that you're the last of people someone who is supposed to be a partner wants to work with. Though there are times when I have to laugh at the irony of the situation. When I got the job and started working there, I felt a similar way. I was about a month into working there and I just had this same sense of things? It faded away, I started to excel, was encouraged to apply for a promotion, I was comfortable with my team. Now another newish team, more change has left me in a similar position I was in when I first was hired. Some things just come full circle don't they? I toss and turn throughout the night, unable to succumb to the bliss of slumber. I find myself playing visions of my own death inside my eyelids, fatigue crawlling through my veins. I find myself thinking about it more and more, in different ways than before. I've had visions of suicide, thoughts of suicide for years; it often changes with the "flavour" of the depression. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Throughout my life, I've gone through deep periods of depression, it never once being the same. Some things do overlap, certain emotional resposes, feelings. I think all of this emotional weight is the reason my scatic pain is getting worse. All the emotional turmoil I'm carrying. The confusion, the anger, the resentment, the frustration, the sadness, the realisation that I will never be enough for anyone. The pain is so intense lately that on my off time from work I'm desperately trying to escape. I'm running both mentally and physically. I think there is a part of me deep down inside that hopes that all of this rushing, this chaos will kill me. That I'll just drop dead one day. If I do decided to put an end to my existance, I know the world will be exactly the same. There will be no tears. There will be no warm reminisces. It will be as if I never excited. Things will move right along. My corpse will be stepped over. You'd hold the same views if you spent your life constantly being reminded that you serve no purpose other than to be someone else's plaything, fill a spot (although they really don't want you, they just had no other option) or beind perpetually overlooked. Friends, family, co-workers. They've driven me to hate them. Why would anyone expect the world to be any different when I kill myself when I was already a shadow to everyone?