Happiness & Homicide Presents: Love Island

"So, Wil...I'd...I, well, let's talk about that girl you brought over here." "Who Jackie?" Nick almost drops his sandwich. "You remember her name?!" "Of course, I do!" "Well, you never remembered any other girls names. " "Yeah, but this one is different." "What's different about her besides the fact that she's fat?" I stop eating and shoot him a dirty look. "What?" "Oh, come on Wil! How could you not notice shes like 300 pounds!" I look over at him. ""Excise me?" "Well, on second thought that may be a conservative estimate." I throw my salad at him. "What, like you're Mr Tiny?" "No, but at least I'm nowhere near her size! I'm surprised you haven't gotten caught in her orbit!" "Take that back!" "That's what you should have done with her!!" I tackle Nick down to the floor. He proceeds to scream like a woman in heat while I attempt to choke him. "Fucking take it back! She's not fat!" "If she's not fat than what is!!" He coughs into my face. "She's thick!" "Yeah her arteries are!" I slam him into the tile of the kitchen and he screams louder. "RAPE!!" "No one is gonna believe you're being raped! You're a man and you're ugly. I mean, you might get raped in jail because you're kinda small and feminine like, but that's about it." "I'm sorry I called her fat." I move off him. "Thank you. That's all I wanted you to s-" "I should have said HUGE!!" "Goddamn it!!" I grab him by the throat and start choking him.

...

"Wil, can I talk to you about something?" "Sure." Jackie sits next to me. She squishes into my seat. God, she's so warm. She smells like vanilla ice-cream. I kinda wanna lick her. No, Wil. Fuck. Focus.
"Wil?" "Vanilla. I mean, what's this now?" "I said I wanted to talk to you and you just glazed over." Oh my God, her eating a glazed doughnut. Uuugh. Something soft slaps me. "Are you okay? If you don't want to talk you can just say something? We can talk later if you're not in the mood." Oh, I'm in the mood...Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. We can talk my mind just went elsewhere." "I don't think your friend Nick likes me much." "Oh, ignore him! He's just jealous I found someone to spend time with." "No, I don't think that's it." Oh, shit, does she know that he's got a war against weight? Oh, what do I give a fuck anyway? I like her, she's perfection. "I think he's uncomfortable with my size." I knew it! "So? Let him be. I like you, that's what matters. Do you like your size?" "Kinda." Oh no! She might want to lose weight and then I'll lose interest. Fuck, that sounds so shallow. God, I'm getting hard thinking about her wobbly tits. Don't look, Wil. Oh, no I looked. "Wil?" "I'm totally into your size and I don't care what Nick has to say." 

"You're one of those guys?" "What a guy who likes bigger women?" She shrugs. "Well yeah, I guess so, but are you okay if I gain weight?" My world explodes. "I mean, it's up to you, but it wouldn't bother me if you put on a few pounds. I like you inside and out. But I also like me inside you." I smirk at her and she hits me. "I'm being serious here!" "So am I." She puts her hand on my thigh. "You mean it?" "You're not that big anyway, Nick's just being a cunt." 

...

Nick's sitting reading the Metro when I walk into the kitchen. He's got a breakfast sandwich next to his oversized coffee mug. "So I talked to Jackie." He puts the paper down and reaches for his breakfast. "Gave her the boot did ya?" He takes a large bite of the sandwich. "No, I told her to gain weight." I smirk. Nick starts to choke so I walk over and smack him. The look of disbelief of his face is priceless. "Hold that expression right there, I want to get my polaroid camera for this one." "WHY?!" "Why to which?" "Why to both, Jesus Christ! You're a sick bastard!" I shrug and roll my eyes. "Nick, we've known each other our whole lives and you're just figuring that out right now?" "No, but why would you ask her to do that? She's already fat." "I like fat girls. And anyway, it's none of your goddamn business what we do." "It is if my tax money is paying for it." He mumbles under his breath. "What's that?" He puts his paper back up. "Nothing." "That's what I thought I fucking heard. The silence of you accepting my relationship." I light a cigarette while he pokes his head around the paper. "You really didn't tell that girl to do that did you?" The smirk returns to my face. "Gee, wouldn't you like to know? What's your deal with fat people anyway? You're chunky yourself." Nick grunts. "I'm big-boned." "Alright, Eric." "Who the fuck is Eric?" "Cartman. You know, he says that in South Park." 

He crinkles his paper. "I'm being serious here and you have to bring up a bloody cartoon!" I blow my smoke at him. "That's just what I do." "Alright, fat people scare me, okay? There's just something that scares me.. Like I'm gonna be one of them or something." "You already are." That does it. He throws his sandwich at me. "Starting a new diet?" He pushes himself away from the table and storms out of the kitchen. Probably to his bedroom to cry.