Disarm

I love the way her muscle contract and release as I watch her breathing.
Her skin is soft and almost a rich honey colour.
I want, no I need to feel her bones.
I need to watch the muscles in perfect form, working like a machine to sustain her.
I'm hypnotised by her breathe as cracks of sunlight splash against her.
I want to touch her.
No, I need to touch her. I exhale my desire as my fingers slide up her calf.
 Her skin is like velvet.
There is an urgency bubbling beneath the surface of my skin and I don't understand why.
My breath becomes hers, her fingers wrap around my wrists.
She wants me as badly as I want her.

I've lived for so long immersed in illusion that now that I have the chance to see beyond it I don't know how to feel.
The horror of my reality clings to the surface of my skin;
it's impossible to shake.
I hide my pain behind a carefully crafted smile and laughter that is often fake,
Nausea overtakes me and only sedatives can calm me.

Aching to be with you,
but swallowing hard with the knowledge I'll be sleeping alone.
I'm running out of reasons to convenience myself to hang on to you.
For the longest time, I called you home,
never realising that you never felt the same.
I can fight the change in seasons,
but not the way that I feel about you.
It brings me the deepest pains and sorrows,
but through you, I've experienced the highest highs.

 There's nothing else I can write,
I'm far too tired to fight.
I just wanna lay in the sun
until my time is done.
Daydream of me,
bathed in silk and easily bemused.
If you look just right,
you'll see that everything isn't my fault.
Taste the salts of my mania,
laying in the sun.
Time is at a standstill,
its conventionalism means nothing at all to me.
Feed me shards of your broken dreams so that
I can taste all of you, just as you've tasted all of me.

Backstroking through waves of shame.
Scrub me with bleach and love me like an enemy.
There's nothing like masturbating on a warm Sunday morning.
I think of you.
Your scent.
Your softness.
I think of wrapping my thighs around you,
having your kisses sending tingles through my trembling form.
I want you.
I need you.