Failure to Communicate

I suppose the title of this blog is a little misleading, but I like it, so I'm going with it. 

It does deal with the topic of communication though. I have a few friends, well at least I thought they

were friends, or maybe they think themselves to be my friends. I'm not exactly sure what they are anymore. They've told me they care and worry about me, my worsening depression and will be there for me no matter what. The usual drivel. But when it comes to following through on something, magically they're all fucking busy! Why do they make these promises, say they'll care when they really have no intention on following through. It makes me feel like an even bigger joke than I already am. And if some of them read this, I can already hear the whining. "What are you talking about? You're my friend and I love you." Or my personal favourite "Get over it, it's in your head. Stop being dramatic." The proof is in the fucking pudding. Scroll back through all the chats and take a gander if you don't believe me or think it's not right. 

Over the weekend I had a friend express to me that she was lonely and felt unwanted, and me knowing those feelings well & also dealing with them at the moment jumped at the opportunity to visit with her. She had the day off and she told me she'd rather sleep...I get that she's tired but I'm offering the thing she wants and says she badly needs, an hour to grab a coffee is asking too much? And when she said that I was like "Oh, I guess I'll go fuck myself then." But I'm stupid when it comes to things like this and I'm going to keep on sticking that knife in my side. I made it clear to her what my plans are, and so did someone else, so she's completely aware of the situation and she tells me she's doing everything she can to come see me because she cares and is filled with concern. I don't believe it based on what happened over the weekend and then this morning things just were cemented for me. She texts me that she went out with a guy last night...she had time for him, but not for me. I see where I stand. I don't want to hear excuses or explanations. Once again, I'm pushed to the side while they grab for someone better. I'm just not going to ask her to hang out anymore. I had the sick feeling that our other plans for brunch would fall through, so I booked my tattoo early in the day so I wouldn't wait like the complete jack-off that I am. I can only believe that I'm not worth any of the aggravation or worth knowing. I'm sick of eye rolls when this is brought up or I express a feeling like this. What am I supposed to believe? I understand that unexpected things come up, but every time for every person that I ask? There has to be something wrong with me beyond what I can see. I'm sorry that I'm so off-putting. Don't become friends with me if you're intentions are just to ignore me or make fun of me. And then they ask if I'm mad or upset with them. You fuckin' think?! But I play nice and say no, while I just put it in a box and lock it down inside. Well, there are no more compartments left in this breathing tomb. 

She's not the only one guilty of this. Another person I know, she knows how I've been feeling, what's going on with me in regards to my mental health and she tells me she wants to get together with me and don't do anything to hurt myself, but then when I ask, she's got a cold. Doesn't even offer to do something when we're both free from work. I got an "I'll let you know" so, the nice way for me to go fuck myself. Thanks for the emotional cornholing.  Another girl tells me to hold on, keep on fighting that I'm special to her and she knows there's just something about me...then doesn't talk to me again. What the fuck? I don't know why I attract these people.
I don't know why I bother trying to make friends or be social in the normal way. It always ends up backfiring and leaving me feeling worse about myself and leaves me even more angry at life and those around me. It's like they see it as some sort of game. "How much longer can we fuck with this freakshow before he goes off?" It's gonna be really funny when I- oh, wait, knowing them they'll probably see my death as a hilarious joke. Either way, I'm going to be humiliated and there's nothing I can do to avoid it. I've tried to muddle through this pain for far too long. I can't keep trying. The sadness makes it hard to eat, to breathe, to focus. They all think I'm only good for a laugh, so why not give them the best laugh they'll ever have?  

I want them all to just stay the fuck away from me.
I hate myself enough without what they do to me. 

Despite my parent's shortcomings, they did raise me to be polite when the situation calls for it, so thank you, all of you who only add to the pain I feel. Thank you all for the disappointments, empty words & promises and your "jokes" about my mental health. Really means a lot.