September Sleep

 I've not been that active on here lately. I guess I just don't know what to say anymore. It's not as if I feel pressured to blog, I just don't have the energy anymore. I have reviews piled up and about a dozen or so ideas that I'm sitting on that I just haven't gotten around to working on. Working every day drains me and I've been going through some medical issues. I just don't have the energy to do anything anymore. I can't lie; the depression is getting bad again. Suicidal thoughts are a constant distraction from all of the things that I want and need to do. My house is in complete disorder. I know I need to clean it. I know I need to do dishes. I know I need to cook, but I'm just not in the mood to do it. I don't know how else to put it. I come home from work and collapse on my bed. I don't even play with Uggie that much anymore. It all feels pointless and helpless 
I've kind of taken a step back from social media. It makes everything worse for me when I'm feeling down. It's all too glamourous for me. I see people out there happy and getting whatever they want while I feel trapped in a life I don't want. It makes me feel guilty for feeling this way. It makes me think that I have some sort of fundamental flaw. I set high standards for myself and lately, I've done nothing to achieve them. <Unless you call sitting eating ice-cream and binge-watching Nip/Tuck goal worthy.> I've set no standards in regards to my job because I know that I will never succeed there. My boss dislikes me. It's written all over his face and it coats how he speaks to me. He treats me as if I'm some sort of child. On more than one occasion he's raised his voice to me when he's under pressure and it sets off panic in me. This has been yet another night tossing and turning, playing over the memory. It's like a broken record. It plays over and over again in my head, the anxiety pumping through my veins. And yesterday was no exception. He raised his voice at me for just doing my job. I wasn't doing anything wrong, he just got cunty with me. I've not been feeling well lately, mentally or physically and he just has to keep pushing. It's not my fault that he's in shit with his boss because he's an utter twit. If he does it again, I might just crumble. As I sit here writing this my stomach is churning, I feel the urge to dry heave and I just want to avoid going to work altogether. I honestly wish that I didn't have to go in today. I could call out, but that would probably just make things worse. This isn't the first time that I've been treated like shit by a boss and it won't be the last.