One Pill Makes You Larger, One Pill Makes You Small
"I can't believe that I'm fucking alive. Like, wow. I can't believe that I'm this old." Memories start to flood through me. Everything is a certain shade of grey. Huh, I wonder why everything is like that when I know I lived through everything in colour. I can't believe the things I've done to my body. I think about all the cuts I've inflicted upon myself. All the scars that tattoos and clothing hide. I basically am one big walking scar. Why? Because I did it to myself. Me. With razors, broken glass, cracked porcelain, even a broken CD. I hurt so badly inside that I needed to see it in order to really understand it, so I attacked myself. I needed to breathe, and that was just like the best breath of fresh air. Cool and clean. It stings the back of your throat but in a good way. Cool waves wash over you. That's the only way I can think to explain it.
...
I'm trying an all-new thing that has my head swimming. I thought it was going to be good, but this is a different kind of good. Good to the point where it's almost bad. My mind is as open as Paris Hilton and Nichole Richie's legs used to be on the early 2000's scene. It tastes like lemonade. Or rather, the pills did. I know it's been a little while since I've blogged. I felt like I had nothing to say. Nothing to really share...nothing that I haven't shared before maybe. I don't know. The past two weeks are a senseless blur and I sit there with suicidal thoughts weighing me down and a stomach littered with pills filled with THC. Yes, you read that right my hombres and homebretteas <I don't speak Spanish.> Is this me starting at the beginning? I think it is.
I thought that I was going to try something a little new and I did. I regret <to some degree> trying this new thing. My stomach hurts, something I don't get from regular edibles and I think that I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. These were supposed to promote a kind of serenity, but fuckin' a this is the opposite of what I wanted! Maybe I'm just overthinking things. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about trying new things. This is a different level of edible. It's leaving me with a strange taste in my mouth; maybe I won't try the other pills in the line. Maybe this was just one bad experience? How much of this has to do with me stopping my psych meds? That's another question for another time. <I'm sure that I will probably forget to reflect on this.>
....
All these people that I know now were alive when I was a child, but I didn't know them. They didn't know me. Some of us were geographically so close but had no idea of the other's existence until a little while ago. I want to scream. Why am I having these thoughts? People exist outside of what I can see. There are different lives going on all over the Earth...a planet sat in space. Everything we know and see isn't real. It's all just made up shite! Nothing really matters! Nothing ever did! We assign meaning and purpose to everything to validate ourselves. There's no such thing as good and evil. We made up the fucking concepts! I start to breathe heavily as I look around my destroyed bedroom. This is what existence has given to me. Mental illness and possibly a physical one that is destroying my insides as we speak.
The only thing that I can be sure of is the only thing in life that never changes is that everything needs to consume or else it ceases to exist in its current form in the current moment. Everyone changes every day, they just don't realise it. I never really realised it until now. Help.
The Emperor's New Groove. What a time to be alive. I refuse to accept that 1999 was 21 years ago. I feel the moisture of the day cling to my skin as I move through the soft emerald grass. I lay and think about the film. I saw it at the cinema for a mate's birthday party. My sister was only a year old. Maybe not even, I'm not sure. Rain drizzles all around me as I lay with the windows open, little droplets managing to splash on my gross face. I need to shower. It's been a while. I've just not had the energy. Now all of the colours around me appear different, just as memories do. It all is a muted shade of blue to it. I can't for the life of me understand why. I want to get up by I feel like I'm made of jelly or some sort of paste. What happened to my bones? <I wish I was making this shit up because it was really starting to get out of hand at this point.>
...
And I think of all the places I've been. My mind whirls. I've been to so many places throughout the past 29 years. It's been amazing. I went there. Physically. Not just in my head or journies through books. It's a wonder. How I managed it fully, I'll never know. Before I have the energy to focus on this, the hunger hits and all I can think about is the stromboli I have sitting in the freezer...and it's a microwaveable one. Oh, fuck me, it's a DiGiorno one! It's that new shit! Sober me gave high me a present!
I take a bite and there is a choir that starts to sing behind me. This is some of the best stuff I've ever had in my mouth. It's better than those Hot Pocket things. You guys know them? Well, some of you guys may know them, but they're this strange like a pocket of dough with meat and cheese and other shit all jammed inside that you stick in the microwave for three minutes and try to eat while it's almost on fire. There is literally no other way to eat these things. It's a pass or fail type deal. Oh my GOD. This is packed with meat. It's like a Ru Paul DJ event. They probably serve these meat-lovers packets at Chip and Dales. Oh My Lord. As I start shovelling it in, I start praying that I'm not going to get heartburn from this. I look up information on the product and find out that they offer a chicken parm one now. My mind is blown. I thought it was blown before, but it's official now. I need to get my paws on it. Is this what I've been reduced to? An animal? I probably smell like one it's been a few days since I last showered. I've been too depressed to get up. I thought some weed would help. Usually, it makes showers intense.
Edibles always make me hungry. Just kick starts something deep inside of me. Probably because I don't really eat unless I'm stoned. I'm really in the mood for breakfast food. What time is it? 9.32. Thank God, I can still order brekkie sandwiches from Burger King. I had one the other day for the first time and it was AMAZING. I need one of everything. Sometimes it's disgusting the number of things that I want to eat when I'm baked. Thankfully, Burger King is only 10 minutes from my house, so I don't have to wait too long for the eats to arrive. I tuck into my banquet and another episode of Nip/Tuck.
....
I lay under the early autumn sun, letting my skin soak up its rays. It feels like I'm falling back in time. My breath is caught in the back of my throat. I can taste my heartbeat. It takes like creamy mint chocolate. (Maybe that's just the weed??) I'm not even sure what's playing in the background. I'm pretty sure its Cold Case Files or something along those lines. They're the only things that help me to sleep at night. Though, looking at my dark circles you'd not think I'm much of a sleeper.
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