August

 It went by pretty fast, didn't it? Last month.
I didn't really blog all that much. I actually have about 15 blogs in the queue that I need to finish. I have notes all over my desk, little pieces stuck into books, unfinished documents on my laptop. I thought I would have more time...The last half of the months I just stepped away from everything. I needed a break. I guess I still do, I'm not really sure. I've been going through a lot of things and I still am. It's been a wild ride, that's for sure. I've finally processed my top surgery and have adjusted to living in this semi-new body. My skin felt strange for the longest time. I looked in the mirror and couldn't believe that was my chest and now it's just old hat; it's as if I've always looked like this.
I don't know when things started to go downhill. Maybe it was the nightmares. Maybe it was the constant stomach pains. Maybe it's coming off the medications I take. The depression has gotten so bad lately. The suicidal thoughts are back to the point where it's constantly on my mind. I thought that could be a part of the fatigue and tummy troubles in couple with the meds, but now I'm headed to my GP and a few specialists to get some answers. I don't know if I want to know. All I'm sure of is that I'm tired of being exhausted. Most of the time all I want to do is sleep. I sleep anywhere from 10-12 hours a night and can barely wake up some days, other days I get fatigued in the middle of the day and want to fall asleep. It's both a psychological and a physical fatigue. I'm used to the psychological fatigue, it's the physical one that's driving me mental. 
I've fallen behind in the blogs, I know. I have new ones coming soon. Sometimes writing a blog takes a lot out of me. I've fallen behind in everything lately. My room is a filthy mess. I have books stacked halfway up the wall while I stare at the titles and names that glare back at me. There's wrappers coating the floor. I don't even really have the energy to stand and cook anymore. It's rare for me. I know there is something deeply wrong and we're looking into getting some answers. I've been missing days at work because I've been feeling so ill; thankfully, I've been able to make up the hours when I'm feeling a little better, but it feels like I'm just being used up there. I used to look forward to going to work, now it's just a joke. I've come to the realisation that it doesn't matter what I do there, I will never be good enough. I used to really be passionate about making things look good, doing things the right way and going above and beyond. Not anymore. Now I don't really give much of a fuck. They only hire people with vaginas it seems. That's just one man's opinion. I'm tired of being treated like shit there. Thankfully, for the most part, I can work alone. Just put my earbuds in and go at it. When I'm left alone I get so much more done. 

I've got new blogs on the horizon! Some new reviews, a tattoo blog for next month and more. I'm putting all the pieces back together. Some days are better than others. I work most days out of the week actually.  It's just wearing me down. Thankfully, next month I will get some needed time off in the form of a weekend. I don't care what my boss has to say. I'm taking time for me. I need it before I collapse into pieces.