Happiness & Homicide:Semi-Charmed

I'm laying under the piano when Nick creeps into the room. "Oh, there you are, I was wondering where you had scampered off too. Remember, the doctor said that I shouldn't leave you alone while you're adjusting to these new tablets." "Tablets aren't the problem, Nick." Nick leans down to my level. "What is the problem them? You can talk to me, you know. I may not understand what you're going through but I want to try and help you. Isn't that nice? Isn't it the thought that counts?" I snort. "No. Results are what count." Nick sighs. "Of course. It's you I'm talking to." He sits on the floor next to me. "Come on, tell me what's wrong. I'm not going to leave until you talk to me." "Great, so in another word, you're going to annoy me making everything fucking worse!" Nick smacks me. "Don't be so fucking ungrateful!" I glare at him and he pulls back in fear. "I-I didn't mean to smack you!" He cowers. "Don't hurt me." Well, hurting him would make me feel better, but I'm just not in the mood. What's this?? Not in the mood. Oh, William, you've really sunk low if you've come to a point in your life when you don't want to hurt someone. I sigh.

"You're not going to hurt me?" I shake my head. "No, not today, Nick." "Does that mean that you're going to hit me in the future?" Always with the stupid shit. I sigh again. "No." "I'm sorry, but with you, I always have to ask." "Who's to say that I'm not lying now? Nick frowns. "Why do you always do this?" "Force of habit." "Come on, tell me what's wrong, please? Maybe I can help." "I very much doubt this." "Why don't we try? I can make us up a pizza and we can talk!" "Oh great, frozen shit from Tesco." "Actually, I got this at Asda." I turn away from him. "It's the same shit." "Do you want it or not?" "No. I want Domino's." "But I can't afford Domino's!" I roll back over. "I can. Use my card, get whatever you want, you know what I want. Spinach, pepperoni, extra cheese." "All that cheese is going to kill you, you know." "Let's hope." 
....
"Nick, I've been thinking about your financial woes." "I just went to get the pizza." "Yeah, I know but you'd said that you can't afford take away so, I was doing a little bit of thinking. You work, you have a job, yeah?" "Yes, where is this going?" "Come over here and we'll talk." "You want me to set two hot pizzas and cookies on top of your luxury £12,000 piano?" I could smack the shit out of him sometimes. "No, under here you fucking moron. And then you wonder why you're not making the big bucks! Sometimes I wonder if you know how to wipe your own ass or if you have to ask Google how to!" His ears turn red. "I know how to all on my own!" "Good, now get over here before you're wiping up your own bodily fluids!" "Wil, that just sounds really rapey." I flash him a broad grin. "I know. I love sentences that have double meanings." "I know." He sets the pizza down in front of me and attempts to sit cross-legged next to me. "You're not really bendy are you?" I ask him, opening my pizza box. I let out a low moan as the smell of the pizza caresses my nostrils. "Almost better than sex." I pull out a slice. "I'm sorry, Wil, not everyone has the body of an Olympic gymnast." I take a bite of pizza and moan. "I'm not asking for Nastia Liukin flexibility here, Nick, just a little effort." He gives up and reaches for a pizza slice. "Why were you thinking about my finances?" "Because that's what friends do." I tell him through a mouthful of pizza. He snorts. "You always have some sort of self-serving agenda. What's this really about?" "I'm hurt, Nick." "No, you're not. You don't have any feelings other than greed, disgust and narcism." I bat my eyelashes at him. "Nick, are you trying to sway me?" He almost chokes. "No, no!" He coughs out. "I'm not gay!"

I roll my eyes. "Nobody said that you were." "No guys. I can permit a lot of things, but I draw the line at men." "Is this your way of telling me that you like to take it up the ass when its a woman with a 14-inch strap-on?" His ears redden further. "Jesus Christ, what is it with you an ass lately?" "I can't help it. I'm a man obsessed with his work." He shoots me a dirty look. "Why were you thinking about my finances, really, Wil?" I shrug. "It got me out of my depressive hole. Thinking about your misery has brightened my spirits." "And then you wonder why I always say you're the anti-Christ." He mutters under his breath. I rub some pizza grease on his lips. "Always with the compliments, Nickie." His cheeks pinken at an alarming rate. "I-I-No, what were you saying before?" I scoot closer to him, my pizza breath warm of his neck. "I don't remember, what was I saying before you started turning me on with your naughty talk?" I lean in like I'm about to kiss him then pull back, laughing at the mixture of horror and confusion on his face. He hits me with a cookie. "You're such an arsehole!" "I know!" I reach for another slice of pizza. 

"We can start a Go Fund Me for you." "Excuse me?" "Yeah! You're broke, sad and pathetic and people love that shit. People will throw money at anything if they can avoid actually caring about another person/" "Jesus Christ you're cynical." I take a large bite of the pizza slice. "No, I'm just realistic. You look at any charities. All these bigwigs throw money at these problems but never personally involve themselves in the cause. You never see them on the front lines, dirtying their Jimmy Choos." "Who's he?" "Fashion bloke, overall unimportant, I'm not that impressed with his footwear." "Why would you be wearing women's shoes?" "I attend many events, Nick." He takes a bite of his pizza slice. "I'm not even going to ask you about this. So what's your big theory on why people would want to help me? And are we not going to talk about what happened earlier?" "What happened earlier?" Nick rolls his eyes and mutters under his breath.

"People want to help you because you have a sad innocent face. Put your glasses on and you look like a desperate virgin to boot." "But I'm not a virgin." I wave my hand. "That doesn't matter. Everything on the internet is more or less some sort of illusion anyway. Just act the part, Nick. It's not exactly a major stretch for you. I still can't believe a woman agreed to let you put your penis inside of her." His face sours. "Sorry, Nick, but facts are facts." "Why do you think people will feel sorry for me being a virgin?" "Because the sexually unattractive are a group meant to be pitied. It's just nature at work here. The human animal feels sympathy and wants to aid the less attractive members of the species, but not in a really caring way." "Oh, well I'm glad to know that with Annie it wasn't just pity sex!" I shrug. "I have no way of knowing that for sure and neither do you." I stop and look at his glaring face. "What? It could have been! There are some people who defy the odds and fight their nature. Just think of all those priests who ignore 'the calling' or whatever the fuck it is and touch little boys. They want to condemn the gays and talk shit, but then they go and diddle kids of the same sex! What the fuck even is that?" He smacks me. "You really know how to push the envelope don't you?!" "Nick, you've known me your whole life and you're just now asking yourself this question?" He shakes his head and bites into a cookie. "I really should have known better by now. I'm just a little surprised that you managed to get a lick in on the Catholic church despite it really have nothing to do with my finances, which was the topic of discussion." 

"Actually, Nick. Priests take a vow of poverty and it seems you two have glommed onto that ridiculous idea." "What the fuck? You're bringing this up after you had a rant about consumerism just last week? Isn't that pot calling kettle black?" "I'm a complex man, Nick." "More like a fuckwit who can't make up his mind and changes his ideas to suit his mood." I shrug. "You may have something there. But really, if you're looking for money and you're not finding a second job, short of getting a sugar mama or selling an organ, I'd say you're jolly well fucked." I lite a cigarette. "I suppose you could always sell drugs with me, I'm picky about who I do business with but I guess I could give you a trial run." He rolls his eyes. "Oh great, thanks, but I'd rather not, thank you." I blow smoke in his face. "And you say I never do anything to help you." He falls silent and starts cleaning up the pizza boxes.

"Why were you sad earlier, Wil. Please?" I turn to him, taking him in. "Because despite all that I do, I am nothing. I have always been nothing and I will always be nothing. My efforts have always been and always will be in vain." He stops and stares at me. "Well, that's not a good outlook to have." "I know, but it's mine and you can't have it." Nick sighs. "You never can take anything serious." I put out my cigarette. "I know. It's interesting considering how I so many of my thoughts and my mental health situation are very serious."