S'mores and Keys

Lately I've been feeling my sadness more deeply, both physically and mentally. There are days that I just want to lay in bed asleep, both to escape my troubled thoughts and everything going on. I finally decided to really let go in the form of journalling. It's been like a release valve inside me has finally been turned on. Sometimes it almost feels like a waterfall, that same kind of exhilerating jumping point and truely feeling your soul connect to your physical body. I've had these kinds of experiences long before I even started taking any sort of medication for depression, anxiety, bipolar discorder. I recently sent an email to my therapist giving a brief overview of what's been going on and the distress that I sometimes feel over these feelings. I always mange to calm myself down in the end, but that adrenaline rush, that flood of "what if?" cascading through my mind and veins, moving at the speed of light. They've gotten more intense as I've gotten older, but they're like short berts almost. Sometimes I can do it at will, visually watching things back in my head, the good, the bad and the ugly. It's kinda cool to be able to see my life in film, both physically and visually. I always feel like my inside is seperated from the physical me. Almost like I'm almost hyperaware of my own consciousness? My curious nature has always lead me to explore, read and question; sometimes getting me into trouble. She told me she could pass the e-mail on to the doctor who's working with me medication wise. I started on a medication a few months ago and was really starting to feel a little bit better. I perked up on it. I was up and out, I was a little more tired than I was over the summer but that was after quite a few trips and family crisis. (But that's not what we're here for) Around October I was starting to feel the familiar depression sinking into me. I was aching more. I was tired. I was sleeping longer and my appitite was up and down. Most of the time I wasn't really hungery and other times I was starving. I'm trying to balane it all out without tipping myself off the ledge and ending up in trouble like I did a few years ago. There are some days when I get home from work and I lay in bed and think that I am a complete failure. I let so many anxieties and moments of self hatred to get in the way of the things that I really wanted in life. I wanted so much more, but. I thought that I didn't deserve it. I thought that I didn't work hard enough for it or that I wasn't the right person for the task. Having changed over the last few ways in so many ways.I feel like the system has failed me here. The lack of communication, slow responses, long wait times has just left me exhausted. I feel like I asked for help, explained it in the best way that I could and that it was just passed over. I just- I feel like I'm screaming-and sometimes I do. When I'm home alone, I turn the shower up to boil, step inside and scream until I feel everything drain out of me. I feel clean and refreshed. It's these little rituals that keep me experienced. The little scents that take me to another place when I'm high and I step into that warm water. Kicking back today before I head out for Washington DC tomorrow is just what I needed. The heath scares, new choices made. Despite the constant gloom hanging over me I think I can handle it. I know why I feel so anxious and restless sometimes. I have things that I still need to work through and reflect on. This upcoming year is looking to be a challenge for me and I've decided to chronical it in a book. More details, parts and pieces will be revealed all leading up to a complete release date! Follow my adventures on both here, Instagram & more! I'm looking over my travel plans for the next week while trying the new s'mores girlscout cooies while I write this and finish watching Clickbait on Netflix. That shit is getting intense. So many twists and turns, the sister is a bitch-reminds me of someone I know oddly enough. It's time to put the show on and just turn my brain off for a while. An edible and a snack always lulls me to sleep in a comfortable way. Its my kind of self help. Sometimes with the Lexapro it works as a mood stabilier and other times it counter balances, running in reverse. I know I don't use every day, nor do I want to use every. I love the deep expereinces I have when I'm high. It's shown me the way that I need to go what I need to embrace. I think this will not only help with my career but with my anxiety. I just gotta find the right balance. I will be doing it on my own as I think I will be no longer recieving services from my current provider. I think I'm going to be looing for people who can be more supportive of what my needs are. My only issue is letting them get comfortable to get close to me. More updates will be coming in the next month and I hope to be more active both on this series of blogs, other announcements and new projects! Insta: dardreamingdaniel Twitter: @darkdannydreams TokTok: darkdreamingdaniel