Eggy Bagels

I'm already heading off on my first adventure of the new year. I can't believe how fast January went by. I've been looking forward to this trip for a while now. I hope that on this trip I'll be able to find some of the answers I seek and finally be able to let go of some of the things that have been troubling me. It almost feels like this is something I absoultely have to do. I don't know if it's related to that ever reccuring thought that I'm going to die soon-Whatever this unsettling anxiety is, I find it pushing myself forward in both exciting and unsettling ways.

I look and see the changes of America over the past 30 or so years of my life. And another 30 years before that. I've witnessed first hand the decay of societies values over time and I see the changes in the United Kingdom as well. Two places where I've spent the majority of my time. The sexual explotations, the indulanance of addictions and the ever present romantic notion of suicide and self destruction. I've witnessed human rights changes for better or for worse. And I don't mean that in a racist sort of way. I mean, at what point does political correctness go too far and one becomes a victim of explotiation? Ive had my own experiences of descrimination and I feel that in some way that does contribute to my depression. I think that over this trip, I'll explore American history and really reflect on what it means to me and will really help me not only to understand where the Nation has come from, but from where I've come from. I'll express political views that might be controvertial. I may express ideologies that some may call "radical". I've travelled around the world and seen so many places, so many different times. The tears of many have made me question things, not only politically but spiritually? But I also wonder at what point did I just let the voices of others become louder than my own? Why did I let my self-doubt overcome me like this? Sometimes I wonder where I bear the responsibility in it all. Will I change my views as I work through decades of American history, going back to George Washington himself? I've done Philadelphia many times before (which I always think of as America's original birthplace) and now it's time to explore the real nation's capitol. But will I really see the true America? Over the past few months, I've been reflecting on some of the moments I think really helped to make me who I am. I need to figure out which ones to overcome and which ones I need to try and just make peace with. What better time to do that but when out on the road by yourself? I think I might want to capture this journey down to New York City and down to DC. I don't really know why, but it's just something that feels right, feels exciting. It's something just for me and something for someone else. I want to really be able to look back and be able to see how I've changed over 2023, especially after 2022-Is this adulthood? The February chill creeps up around my bear neck and I feel like I'm finally able to breathe. It's not just the edible that I took as soon as I woke up. (It wasn't to help me deal with Pookie and Jeff's bullshit.-On another note, he hates tht I call him Jeffrey Jahmer, most of the time I just call him Dahmer. I think that he looks like him. He really should take advantage of that with all the true crime crazies out there! He could make a killing (no pun intended) doing that-but of course he takes it as I'm making fun of him. I just think that he looks like the guy.) I hate that she always has to bring that asshole everywhere even when he doesn't need to be there. They both test my patience-I feel the rage and tension throughout my body. ((Sometimes it makes me question some things, but we'll get to more of that later**) The conductor tells me that I can get on the bus and I climb aboard bout for New York City. As we hit the open road Taylor Swift's sorrowful melodies take me away as I think about some of my past experiences in New York City...

I must have nodded off after falling down that well of memory because when I open my eyes we're outside Manhattan. The sun has hidden itself beyond a blanket of grey clouds-how I wish I could do the same. It's comforting seeing the familiar surroundings. The skyscrapers and hustle and bustle of the city help me to feel alive. The electricity of the city flows through me as I wander the streets and jump the various trains to take me around the city. I look at the time and see that I still have several more hours until I arrive in Washington. The next stop is Philadelphia. Part of me is tempted to just get off the bus in Philly. Step into those warm, comforting memories from my trip there last year. I know it's a feeble attempt to stave off the less than favourable thoughts that have been creeping through my veins. No, I have to go to Washington. I've prepaid for almost everything. And I want to go to Washington. I want to see a new city. And no one knows me there. I'll walk into the city knowing no one and become the faceless and invisable individual I need to be in order to work through things. I board the next bus to Washington DC and slip my headphones on. Rewind to 2004. Fall Out Boy's From Under the Cork Tree streams through my headphones and into my thoughts. I knew what Pete meant in his prose and promise of his lyrical melodies. Or at least I thought I did. In the years that have past since the albums release, I've come to relate to his worlds in new ways. I've explored the depth of the fragile nature of the emotion. I've lived through trials and tribulations that I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it through. As the album plays, I start to reflect on the changes that I've gone through over the past year and the new changes that I want for myself. I have ao many things that I need to think about and sort through. Some things I don't have answers for and I don't know if I will. As much as I want answers, I dont know if I'll be able to answer all the questions I have. "From day one, I talked about getting out But not forgetting about how all my worst fears are letting out He said, "Why put a new address On the same old loneliness?" When breathing just passes the time Until we all just get old and die Now talking's just a waste of breath And living's just a waste of death And why put a new address On the same old loneliness? And this is you and me, and me and you Until we've got nothing left." Pete's desperation echos through my veins like never before. I've felt this way before, but not to this extent. I feel the desperation in his voice as if it were my own screaming those words into the microphone. This time the words truly hit home. For so long I've struggled to get out of this black hole, the same corrosive lonliness and yet here I find myself only a few metres from where I started. Decades of my life have passed me by and still I continue to scream, hiding tears of sorrow in lines that decorate my skin. I really thought I've moved on, changed old patterns and I have, but not enough to really make it matter. I've not cut myself in the longest time, but it doesn't mean that I don't sometimes think about that beautiful relief. A true exhale of emotion from under my skin that nothing else can compare with. I don't want to backslide, erase that progress, but the last few months have made it more tempting than ever. I haven't smoked a cigarette in about 10 years, but as I step out into the chilly air of Washington DC I have the urge to spark up a cigarette. I'd watch the tiny embers burn down through the thin paper and tobacco, all the while exhaling all my tension and toxicity into the smoke. Capitol Hill stands before me and I can't help but wonder how many people walked these same steps. How many people before me, young and ambitious arriving in Washington DC set to change the world and became consumed by the machine they vowed to fight-vowed to change. I don't want that to happen to me as I undertake this new project. I won't pressure myself with absure deadlines and concern myself with empty promises.

I want to capture these moments in ink, pencil and film. I want to preserve and examine these little moments that give me so much more than I could ever hope to express. The little things that are just for me. The moments that are nurishing to the soul. Maybe if I set aside the worry of forever and embrace the worry of right now I'll be able to calm the waves of anxiety that rage within me, threatening to sweep me out to sea.