New Job Anxiety
I've started a second job. I was fine during the interview. There was no touch of nerves until the hiring manager took a look at my current manager/supervisor. He looked me dead in the eye and said that he knew him. I'm friendly with my supervisor and have shared some good times with him...but it has me wondering if this is going to help me or hurt me. He knows the real me. He's seen and heard the good and the bad. We continue the interview as he scans my work history. I'm worried it won't go well. I had interviewed for this company over a year ago at their other location (where haha my current manager's mother works) and they didn't hire me. I don't mention that interview. t was under my old name as well. A different me. An old life. But is it really a wholly different me? Now's not the time to get philosophical. I wish it were dead. Anyway, he wraps up and tells me that he just needs to call a work reference and then that's it. I almost can't believe it. I leave the building wondering what kind of references will be given regarding me. I try my best most of the time, I'm hardworking and dedicated, although I have been known on a rare occasion at work to lose my temper; but that's mainly with co-workers who do stupid shit.
...
I had my interview on a Friday afternoon. It's Monday mid-morning and I'm currently at work. I'm not expecting to hear back for at least a week, which is normal in my case for all the jobs that I've worked. I'll have a little bit of time to just work the first job and ease into the second one if I get it. I need some time to prepare. I don't think it will be like the pet shop fiasco. Remember that gig? Jesus Christ, what a fucking disaster that was. No real training and then it was one day a week. It cost my entire pay and sometimes then some to get me to the job. I didn't last long. I worked there maybe three months then quit. I just stopped showing up. Everything that they promised me was a lie. I heard good things about the company that I just interviewed for and I'm hoping that it will work out for me.
I just got home from my first job when the phone rings. I think I know the number. It looks familiar. I answer it and its the job recruiter extending me an employment bond. I almost scream. That was fast. Almost as fast as when I got my current job, which I love. I was so anxious about getting the job, now it's becoming a reality. I don't know how I'm going to work everything out.
I figured this would get me out of the house a little bit more and I'd be able to have some time off but earn a little extra coin. I didn't realise how wrong I would be.
WHAT'S YOUR ORIENTATION?
I arrive a little early to the new place of work, my heart thumping in my chest. I'm not really sure what to expect. Every place is different. I hate being new and not really knowing the system yet. I wish I would get more one by one training before I start a few jobs. Help me ease into things and maybe start to know one person before I'm completely bombarded. I'm an anxious and shy person by nature and by the experiences I had growing up. I have so much riding on my shoulders, that it's a miracle that I don't have ulcers right now.
It's not a traditional orientation like I had at my last job when I started. Not my current job. I don't remember what it was like when I first started there. I've become very comfortable, I have friends and I know my job like the back of my hand. Now I'm entering into something with responsibility, more opportunities to grow and both fuck up. And I always fuck everything up. I arrive early for the orientation, only to find out the manger on duty haven't been told that I was starting today. My stomach drops. Maybe they screwed it up and I wasn't the one being hired. All sorts of thoughts race through my head. I can't do this. I want to run. The woman comes back and tells me that it was just a mix-up and that she can get me sorted. Then I'm told that I'm waiting for one other person and then we can start...the girl is late so we press on without her. I watch 4 videos on the company and then I go to fill out all of my paperwork. I have to sit and wait for the other girl to do the paperwork together.
Sitting in the breakroom at the new job after finishing the orientation videos has my anxiety through the roof. The people around me seem friendly enough. A few of them have stared at me as they've walked through the breakroom. I think I'm going to have a fucking panic attack. Why did I do this? Why do I never learn? No, no, you don't need to do this Dan. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Thankfully, I always keep some of my anti-anxiety meds in my bag just in case. I was one down with some pain killers for my lower back with some Diet Coke.
Sitting in the breakroom at the new job after finishing the orientation videos has my anxiety through the roof. The people around me seem friendly enough. A few of them have stared at me as they've walked through the breakroom. I think I'm going to have a fucking panic attack. Why did I do this? Why do I never learn? No, no, you don't need to do this Dan. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Thankfully, I always keep some of my anti-anxiety meds in my bag just in case. I was one down with some pain killers for my lower back with some Diet Coke.
FIRST DAY
I have to be there for 6am. I don't know why my first start day would be that time, especially if I'm not on the stock team here and I'm only going to be working in the afternoon into the evening. I arrive early in the pouring rain. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get a ride at that time and I wasn't going to be late my first day, I got an early one and then realised that I would be outside in the rain with nowhere to keep me dry in an area where there is all sorts of shootings. I really picked a great spot. I have to walk a few stores down to stand under their awning while bundled up in two hoodies, shivering and anxiety coursing through me. I had no idea when anyone would arrive or if they'd been notified that someone new would be there for an orientation/first official day, seeing as the day before they weren't notified.
A woman appears with a large umbrella and I race over to the door and explain it's my first day, my name and that I'm here to see a woman call Kia*. She smiles and says that's her. I breathe easy. So far so good, I suppose. We fill out some other paperwork and she walks me through what it's like working at the store. For whatever the reason, I still want to run. I still feel so uneasy. I'm almost about to cry. The other person, a 17-year-old girl shows up and says she's there to be a part of the stock team. As a freight boy, I'm appalled. My wonderful and favourite job tarnished like that. I almost can't even, but I keep my thoughts to myself. She does her papers and then we follow Kia out for a till training. She runs through the basic functions of the till, how to do the rewards sign up (which I have now forgotten) and how the management system works. It all seems a little overdramatic and too steppy, but I bite my tongue. I already want to quit. I breathe deep and remind myself that I can do it.
Since I'm there so early and I will be front end, she puts me to work on the stock team for a day. I feel kinda in my element. It's a little different to how things work at my other job (I like the other job better) but I get to work opening boxes. I'm paired with a girl called Mindi* to help show me about the shop and go through their process. It's going well until the store opens and she's called to the front to help ring. I'm left alone, no instructions in an aisle feeling deeply uncomfortable. I don't know what to do. And that's when I meet a mean-faced Judy Garland. Same haircut too. Similar earrings, but with a smoker's voice. You know, someone who's spent the past 40 years chain-smoking (and probably still does) and has a raspy cough laden voice? That's her. I tell her that I'm new and she informs me that she gathered that, seeing as she's never seen me before...what a way to break the ice. I don't know what to say so I offer to help her because my training girl heading to the front to ring. She tells me, no, but I can clean up the trash. Great. She hates me and it's only my first day. I think I'd rather worry about bills than be treated like this. I push the thought out of my head, clean up and wait for the girl to come back.
A woman appears with a large umbrella and I race over to the door and explain it's my first day, my name and that I'm here to see a woman call Kia*. She smiles and says that's her. I breathe easy. So far so good, I suppose. We fill out some other paperwork and she walks me through what it's like working at the store. For whatever the reason, I still want to run. I still feel so uneasy. I'm almost about to cry. The other person, a 17-year-old girl shows up and says she's there to be a part of the stock team. As a freight boy, I'm appalled. My wonderful and favourite job tarnished like that. I almost can't even, but I keep my thoughts to myself. She does her papers and then we follow Kia out for a till training. She runs through the basic functions of the till, how to do the rewards sign up (which I have now forgotten) and how the management system works. It all seems a little overdramatic and too steppy, but I bite my tongue. I already want to quit. I breathe deep and remind myself that I can do it.
Since I'm there so early and I will be front end, she puts me to work on the stock team for a day. I feel kinda in my element. It's a little different to how things work at my other job (I like the other job better) but I get to work opening boxes. I'm paired with a girl called Mindi* to help show me about the shop and go through their process. It's going well until the store opens and she's called to the front to help ring. I'm left alone, no instructions in an aisle feeling deeply uncomfortable. I don't know what to do. And that's when I meet a mean-faced Judy Garland. Same haircut too. Similar earrings, but with a smoker's voice. You know, someone who's spent the past 40 years chain-smoking (and probably still does) and has a raspy cough laden voice? That's her. I tell her that I'm new and she informs me that she gathered that, seeing as she's never seen me before...what a way to break the ice. I don't know what to say so I offer to help her because my training girl heading to the front to ring. She tells me, no, but I can clean up the trash. Great. She hates me and it's only my first day. I think I'd rather worry about bills than be treated like this. I push the thought out of my head, clean up and wait for the girl to come back.
Mindi returns and moves me down to the next few aisles and we get to work doing things and she's once again called to the front. I offer to help the woman in the next aisle and clean up her cardboard. She gives me some tips about working at the store. She's not mean, but not exactly kind either. I don't think that I'm going to fit in here very well. I should have asked to work at the other branch of my store as well. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I already know the routine there. My stomach twists into knots as I ask a supervisor if I can go on break. I desperately need to check my phone and reconnect with people that I know. I'm so out of my element.
For the last hour or so, I'm told to wander about the store, try to learn where things are and get a feel for it. I need a few people. A guy about my age with thick glasses and a mohawk with a friendly smile called Nate*. He's friendly and welcoming to me, telling me that I can ask him things if I need help on the floor. One friendly person out of the lot so far. I mean, Mindi wasn't really unfriendly, just rather gruff. I couldn't gauge her age. She looks older than she is, I think. The entire store feels sterile, unwelcoming. It reminds me of being in the psych ward. I think that's part of the reason it makes me feel so uneasy being there.
When its time for me to leave I almost run out of the building. I throw the stupid vest into my locker along with the blade and race out, able to really breathe for the first time that day. Now it's time to head back to my other job and work a full shift there. When I get in there, I feel welcomed again. Comfortable. When I first started here, I never got the unease that I have at the other place. It's strange. I don't know why, but I have the feeling I won't be at the other job much longer.
For the last hour or so, I'm told to wander about the store, try to learn where things are and get a feel for it. I need a few people. A guy about my age with thick glasses and a mohawk with a friendly smile called Nate*. He's friendly and welcoming to me, telling me that I can ask him things if I need help on the floor. One friendly person out of the lot so far. I mean, Mindi wasn't really unfriendly, just rather gruff. I couldn't gauge her age. She looks older than she is, I think. The entire store feels sterile, unwelcoming. It reminds me of being in the psych ward. I think that's part of the reason it makes me feel so uneasy being there.
When its time for me to leave I almost run out of the building. I throw the stupid vest into my locker along with the blade and race out, able to really breathe for the first time that day. Now it's time to head back to my other job and work a full shift there. When I get in there, I feel welcomed again. Comfortable. When I first started here, I never got the unease that I have at the other place. It's strange. I don't know why, but I have the feeling I won't be at the other job much longer.
CASH ME OUT, HOW ABOUT THAT?
Today I'm up at the front cashiering. I feel trapped at the service desk. A fake smile plastered on my face and anxiety settled in its familiar spot in my chest I start working. I'm paranoid that I'm going to make a mistake and that I'm going to be fired. I don't want a blemish on my record, and being fired would do just that. I'm going to keep trying to get into the shop across from my other job. It would make the commute easier and free for me. It's more than me just being uncomfortable here, it's about me being able to get more sleep. I'm feeling so rundown and the depression is as bad as it's been before. It's not been a good year for mental health so far.
I make little mistakes here and there since I haven't been trained but overall, I think it went well. I'm paranoid that I've done something wrong with change each time that I give it. I hate when people pay with cash. The till turns red and I begin to panic that I've done something wrong, that it wasn't balanced and that I was in trouble. All it meant was that I was over a certain dollar amount in cash and that I needed to let management know. It would have been nice if someone told me that beforehand. The two female managers are really nice to me and I like them. They kind of ease my anxiety. The mean Polish woman, on the other hand, she doesn't seem to like me. She's short with me and almost annoyed that I'm there. She makes me not want to come back. One of the nice managers tells me that she's not going to be back for a week since she's going on holiday. I feel my heart in the back of my throat. I don't like these long 9 and 10-hour shifts here. I don't know why they gave me such a long one on my first actual day. I'm hoping that I won't have it like that the next week, and when I look at the little schedule they've written out for me I'm back to back at each job. I have an hour to get to my second job. There is no way I can take the bus downtown and over there. I have to uber every time over. Fucks sake. Then I have to uber home seeing as I'm going to be too tired to take the bus downtown, transfer and ride all the way uptown only to uber home again. It's only a few dollars more, but it bothers me.
*Name Change
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