I Caught Fire pt ii
I can feel the depression looming. A darkened sky looms over me, threatening to swallow me. I'm almost tempted to let it. A collection of prescription drug vials stare back at me from the shelf above my bed. A black and white picture of a chemical attempt to save me, to return me to my former sanity. A fleeting flair in the darkness of the night sky.
Warm reminisces of former intoxications. Blood spilling, teeth cracking and absolutely mind-numbing highs. Moving beneath my skin are memories soaked in plasma, breaking my heart over and over again, one day at a time.
It feels like every cell in my body is screaming. I drive by the massive shopping centre and the carpark is empty. There's not a soul in sight. With the thick grey clouds, it's even more haunting. It feels like the end of the world. All I want to do is curl up and sleep; I know that I can't. I still have five more hours of work to get through. I shouldn't be upset. I shouldn't be ungrateful like I am. My anxiety makes everything worse. Take a pill and get over it. Becoming a socially acceptable form of a drug addict is not something I ever had in mind.
It's as if I've lost some sort of faith. I can't put my finger on it, but things are more different and difficult than they've ever been. When I should remain strong, I feel as if I'm only weakening. Sometimes it feels as if I am watching my life pass by while it's on life support. I'm wanting to hide away more and more. Deep under the comfort and safety of my duvet, I can spill my deepest secrets and hope they don't stain the satin of my sheets. Despite my best efforts, the memories remain.
And then I dream of him. Warm and loving. Wrapped in his arms, I lay my head on his chest. His soft middle pressed into mine. He's so warm it's putting me to sleep. I feel safe and wanted. Earlier nightmares wash away. I look up into the early grey of the morning, the suns rays melting through the thick blanket of clouds like fresh maple syrup. Drip through my veins and make me sweet once again. I've never felt more alive than when I've had him by my side. Days and nights blur into one mess of lips, legs and love. I never want these days to become memories, but I hold the fear close to me that they will.
You don't know it, but I bleed these oceans for you.
It feels like every cell in my body is screaming. I drive by the massive shopping centre and the carpark is empty. There's not a soul in sight. With the thick grey clouds, it's even more haunting. It feels like the end of the world. All I want to do is curl up and sleep; I know that I can't. I still have five more hours of work to get through. I shouldn't be upset. I shouldn't be ungrateful like I am. My anxiety makes everything worse. Take a pill and get over it. Becoming a socially acceptable form of a drug addict is not something I ever had in mind.
It's as if I've lost some sort of faith. I can't put my finger on it, but things are more different and difficult than they've ever been. When I should remain strong, I feel as if I'm only weakening. Sometimes it feels as if I am watching my life pass by while it's on life support. I'm wanting to hide away more and more. Deep under the comfort and safety of my duvet, I can spill my deepest secrets and hope they don't stain the satin of my sheets. Despite my best efforts, the memories remain.
And then I dream of him. Warm and loving. Wrapped in his arms, I lay my head on his chest. His soft middle pressed into mine. He's so warm it's putting me to sleep. I feel safe and wanted. Earlier nightmares wash away. I look up into the early grey of the morning, the suns rays melting through the thick blanket of clouds like fresh maple syrup. Drip through my veins and make me sweet once again. I've never felt more alive than when I've had him by my side. Days and nights blur into one mess of lips, legs and love. I never want these days to become memories, but I hold the fear close to me that they will.
You don't know it, but I bleed these oceans for you.
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