HAHA

I am nothing more than a joke.

I am nothing more than a source of amusement for those around me. 

I've tried my hardest to be a hard-working and dedicated friend. 

And where has it gotten me?
Ignored. Forgotten. Brushed over.

I don't even know why I try anymore.

I've tried so hard to try and make friends, only to leave me feeling more empty.

Each night as the sun sets, I crawl into bed, the loneliness creeping into my bones, the sorrow cutting me deeper with every day.

Sleep is my escape.

It's the only way I can forget how worthless I am to everyone around me.

My efforts are not even close to being enough.

My dedication has only brought me disappointment and fuelled my rage and resentment. 

The bitterness consumes me.
I'm only used to fill in the spaces in people's life.

My friendship always is a waste of time.
Breathing has become more of a chore these days.
I don't see much of a point in putting the effort in.

I have established that my existence is empty, unfulfilling and wholly dissatisfying.

I've struggled to carve out a path for myself, only to fail to be taken seriously.

I can't look at my reflection in the mirror.

My ugliness runs from the physical to the innermost walls of my soul. 

I am disgusting in every possible way.

There is nothing to be done about this anymore. 

I feel as if everyone is laughing at me behind my back. Mocking me. Turning me into a giant joke. I wish they'd let me in on it. I hate myself probably more than they ever could. I'm so glad that my pain and discomfort can bring a source of pleasure to those around me. I've always been the butt of jokes, so it's nothing new. Actually, now that I think about it, I know they are laughing at me behind my back. I know that because I'm the one always conveniently forgotten when there's a get-together, a gig or some sort of event, but when someone needs a favour or money, well I'm the first one called. I'm not a friend to these people. I'm a fucking ATM. And me being pathetic has gone along with it for so long. Giving away all that I had in the hopes that it would buy my friendship. You can't buy friendship. I'm sick of trying. I don't want people near me anymore. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want salt rubbed in my wounds anymore. I can't live with this throbbing pain anymore. I've hurt for so long that I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of bleeding every single day and hoping that one day I will be loved and wanted. I have no meaning to all of the people in my life. I can love so deeply and so wholly, yet I'm just always a passing thought.