Danny & Pork Chop go to see GHOST

I've not been to a gig in a long time. Generally, I don't really go to them. I get really socially anxious and crowds aren't my thing. I bought my ticket to see Ghost in May, excited to see them. I figured I'd make an entire evening of it. Why not? I work hard. My anxiety has been better lately since I ditched that arsehole I used to call my best mate, I figured I could do this. Well, I was half right.

21 October 2019 

3:00 am

My eyes crack open. I can't sleep. I'm both anxious and excited about the upcoming trip to Worcester to see Ghost. I've never been to the city before. I've passed through it on the many trips to and from Boston, but never really spent time in the city. I have a full day of work, then need to head downtown to get on the bus to travel an hour north. I'm gonna feel this lack of sleep later on, I know it. My thoughts are consumed with the trip the entire day at work. All I can really focus on is clocking out and going away. A trip away is something that I need. My anxiety pokes into the situation and reminds me that I will be in public, alone and exposed. No, no, I can do this. 

After a casual smoke with Mario when we clock out, I'm feeling better. I'm pumped. I'm looking forward to the day off tomorrow to sleep. I've been so tired lately. The cold, the depression, the hours I've been putting in at work. I'm really feeling it. I've gotta get to the bus station. I know I have an hour or so before the bus comes, but I wanna charge my shit and get a coffee for the road. I've become more of a coffee addict than I ever thought I'd be.

The bus ride is only an hour, but it feels like it's taken no time at all. I let Post Malone take me away, leaving my thoughts to bubble under his melodies. Pork Chop sits on my lap as we much Junior Mints and watch the scenery. I love when the leaves change in the autumn. Fuck Christmas, this is the most wonderful time of the year. The reds, golds and oranges stare back at me as the chill of the air seduce me. I don't feel like messing around with the bus to get to the hotel. I just want to get in and settle for a little bit. I need to unwind. I call an uber and zoom to the hotel. I was worried about check-in, this is my first time travelling fully trans; what I mean is, this is the first time I'm travelling with my newly issued ID and credit cards. I don't want to have to answer awkward questions. I need to hold my ground and not show I'm anxious. Things are smooth sailing. Maybe I should do a blog about travelling while trans? I mean, I've had the idea for a while now, the different stages of it and stuff. Perhaps. I have some other updates to do on that, actually. 

I get into the hotel. I've got a few hours before the gig. I want to shower, eat and maybe take a nap. I'm so tired. I'm scared that if I fall asleep I won't wake up and I'll miss the show. Anxiety sweeps through me. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave the hotel room. The paranoia that I will be laughed at or in some way humiliated starts to consume me. I can't do this. Why do I always do this? I should know better than to try and go out to things that are like this! Museums I can do because a lot of people go alone, but concerts? People are going to think I'm a friendless loser. I don't think I can leave the room. It's not safe outside. Nonono. Why does this always happen? I have to work up the goddamn nerve to be able to leave a room. This social anxiety has been a problem before. There have been times I've gone on trips and don't leave the room for a few days because I'm too anxious to do so. Sometimes it's not a problem at all, other times its crippling. Actually, most days I don't even want to leave my house. I want to stay there. It's a mild agoraphobia, really. Outside is not safe. The unease sneaks into me and I don't want to have to be that other side of me. Sometimes it's actually hard to get up to go to work. I just want to stay home. It's not because I'm lazy, it's because I'm drowning in fucking anxiety about having to leave.
No. I have to go to the gig. I paid for it. I can't let this anxiety control me anymore. I need to push myself. It's a half-hour ride on the city bus to the venue. Not bad. I don't want to get there too early. The idea that I'll be sitting alone hits me again. I've done this before and it's been fine. I'm just being paranoid people will laugh at me or comment. OH MY GOD. What if I get the seats messed up? What if I have to move? What if they think I'm stupid? It takes me almost an hour to get up the nerve to leave the room. Good thing I started psyching myself up for it a decent amount of time before I actually had to get to the venue. I head out into the early evening, the stars beginning to bloom above, the temperature dropping, the leaves swirling as the wind takes them away on unknown adventures. I have a vague idea of where I need to go. I have maps on my phone. I don't want to have to use it if I don't really need to. I find the bus stop that I need and jump on the bus, heading back into the heart of the city. 

It was really easy to get to the venue. Straight shot. The bus stops right in front. I thank the bus driver and jump off into the crowd of people streaming into the venue. I need a drink. It will help calm me down. I usually am not a big drinker at gigs that I attend, but it wouldn't be a rock show without one beer. There are concession stands everywhere. I look at the prices of alcohol and I'm almost in disbelief. Talk about robbery! Whatever. I deserve this night. I head up to the counter and order a Bud Light (Cheers Post) and the bloke behind the counter asks me for my ID. I almost laugh. I'm almost 30. I hand over my ID, he glances at it, hands it back to me and tells me to enjoy the show. He doesn't ask the bloke behind me for ID. I tell Puffs and Jess, needless to say, they find it funny, until she also calls him a baby-faced dickhead. Both of us simmer quietly. He texts me furiously as I wait for the gig to start. I wish he was here.

I've never heard of the opening band, so this should be interesting. I assume they are of a similar genre to Ghost, seeing as they're opening for them, but I could be completely wrong. I sip my beer and look out at the crowd. I'm glad I'm in a seat and not in the pit. If someone shoved me and I spilt my beer, I'd have lost my shit. The opening band comes out, welcomes us all to the show and begins their set. They're actually pretty good. None of that tracked shit some musicians attempt to play over. They're live playing and the singer knows what he's doing. He can carry a tune and get the crowd amped. This is going to be a good show. They play about an hour set. The crowd is buzzing with excitement, even I am. The seat next to me is empty, but there are two couples in the same row as me. It's a little awkward for me at first, but I forget about that as I watch them set up the final parts of Ghost's set. It takes about a half-hour to break down the first band's set up and add all the final touches. I sip beer and sit back. By now I'm starting to feel really comfortable. I forget that I'm in a crowd. Alcohol is amazing in that way.

They pull up a black curtain and we realise it's almost showtime. The crowd quiets down. The entire venue is silent as the opening melody plays. Not one person talking. All eyes are on the stage. It opens with a bang. Lights flash, smoke pours from the stage, the ghouls come out dancing and The Cardinal emerges in his glory. They play a 2-hour set. The tone of the stage changes throughout the show. Fire red. Violent orange. Chilling Green. Ice Blue. The ghouls shred and the Cardial rocks like there's no tomorrow. Ghost is the best band I've ever seen live. You can tell it's not just a job to these guys. Ghost is their passion. Most musicians lose that fire as they get bigger; tours and performances become a sort of chore for them. Not these guys. They take things to the next level. Fire erupts from the stage; you can feel the heat throughout the venue, the energy from everyone pulsing around.

I've been awake for so long, but I don't even feel tired. I'm amped. I don't want the show to end. They play songs from all of their albums. All of my favourites. Actually, I love pretty much every Ghost song. People scream along, but not in an annoying way. They skip around from the new material to older, to somewhat newer. They spice it up. While the Cardinal has a short rest the ghouls play some of their favourite melodies. They mess around, playing off each other. The crowd is loving it.
I'm so glad that I got over the anxiety and made it to the gig. I'm proud that I didn't let that fear get in the way like I did so many times before.
Seeing Ghost brought up a lot of great memories of Sweden and Norway from last year. Fuck, I really just want to go back. I want to spend more time in Stockholm, go back to Linköping check out Uppsala again. I want to take in more of Oslo, visit some of the towns I visited on the train going cross country to Bergen. I'm thinking that for my 30th birthday I do another big tour. All of my favourite European cities. Take a month or two and just fucking go. I'm not getting any younger. I'm already 28. I need to have something to look forward to. I need a project that will keep me distracted from my negative thoughts, from the depression. I need something that gets me hard about life again, gives me a greater sense of things.