All Consuming Dread

I'm so tired. The insomnia, the work hours and the mood swings have me running on empty. I'm not eating properly. I'm so tired these days, most of the day I don't want to eat. Sometimes by the time I get home, I don't want to cook, let alone eat. I should try and do prepared healthy meals. I'm having those familiar stomach problems again. I don't know what I can do to keep myself going. I'm not built for this kind of bullshit. I have a low tolerance for this kind of frustration.

One day everything I love will be forgotten.
It will be as if I never existed.

Memories will be erased.

The sands of time will continue to pour without me. 

I'm in my late 20's and I've already seen how time warps everyone and everything.

I'm fighting the tide.

I'm desperately clinging to the things that bring me comfort, fearing the change that time will

force upon me. 

I'm really falling apart here and all the while I have to project the image of being alright. At work, I hide behind humour while I struggle to fit in still and fight the suicidal thoughts that flow through me. My mate thinks I'm paranoid because I think I'm a constant joke at work, that no one likes me that it's all just fake niceties and that they all laugh at me behind my back. I'm halfway through my second month there, but I tell you it feels like an eternity. My life feels like even more of a prison. 

The suicidal thoughts are building up in the corners of my mind and are spilling into my other thoughts. It's pretty much all I can think about. The depression is at one of it's worse points. Today, I spent a large portion of the day crying over loneliness, feelings of isolation and worthlessness and the knowledge that I am a complete failure. I'm not at where I want to be in my life. In any area of it. Relationships. Career. Mental Health. 
I think I've made a few friends, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm really awkward and am different from everyone around here. I want to go home so badly, but I'm stuck here with other obligations. I suppose soon I can say fuck it and go back to where I almost sort of belong. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm paranoid my co-workers hate me, that I'm made fun of behind my back and they see me as some kind of sideshow. Then I find out that the reason I was hired was because the manager that hired me liked my accent and tattoos. He liked my work history, but he loved the accent more. I should be flattered but I don't know. Part of me laughs and the other part of me is like "oh." 

I'm drinking to the point I'm sick almost every night just so I can cope with how badly I'm feeling. When the alcohol flows through me, igniting happiness in my blood, fog rolling in my brain and a smile of inebriation decorating the lower half of my face. I almost died from alcohol poison, was laying on my carpet crying and puking and what did I do the next day despite waking up fatigued with a headache and a stomach cramp? You got it, poured more alcohol into me. I'm alienating my new friends with this drinking, but I feel like I can't stop. Part of me honestly doesn't want to stop because nothing makes me feel okay. Drinking or getting high. I'm using the CBD edibles, but that takes the edge off for me. It's great for the days, just giving me a little bit of help, but some days, well most days now, I need something stronger.  When night falls, it's like something morphs and the darkness falls to new depths, the agony invading every cell in my physical being. 
I made an ass of myself when I had a co-worker over. I'd promised her that I'd be sober when she came over, as she and I had been discussing some of my drinking over the past week, but I was so nervous about her visit that I started drinking a few hours before she was set to arrive. I was worried that she'd blow me off like others had before and that I'd gone through all the excitement of a playdate and baking for nothing. I shouldn't have been drinking, not only because I'd agreed not to, but because I'd been poisoned the night before. I figured I could just have one when she was over. I pounded a four loko down and had an Absinthe and ginger ale, tipping myself over into a warm messy state. I was almost drunk. And then I hugged her. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. She just sat there for a minute and I was all warm and friendly. That's one of my problems when I drink, I get overly friendly, even if I'm not romantically or sexually attracted to someone. I apologised after she said she wasn't a hugger. She did surprise me by saying that she wanted to hang out again. I guess it was a crisis averted. Luckily I wasn't at my proper sloppy limit or I would have said something vulgar and offensive. 

I have no idea what I'm doing. I've not been blogging not just because of work but because the epression has been a constant stuggle for me. Anybody have any tips?