Friday 3:35 AM (Remember, Whatever)

The alarm goes off at an ungoldy hour. I don't want to move, I just want to lay here with her hand intwined in mine. It's the third day in a row that I've awoen to this very scene only to have the chine of the alarm shatter the moment. Past traumas and fragments of bizzare lucid dreams hang in the air above me, burning away with the first light of dawn. It's been a while since I've just been able to lay here like this with someone where I'm completely silent. For a moment I'm able to hit pause. I don't want to believe that this is a tease of something that will never be real. Time after time I've found this comfort only to findout that I was nothing more than a short term solution. I don't want to be guarded, but I have to. Last year taught me that I didn't need to spend my time worrying about what other people thought of me. I just needed to focus on doing what's right for me, taking chances when they present them to me and learning how to find that balance I want. Maybe I've just been daydreaming about things that aren't really real. I don't want to have to confide in imaginary friends but sometimes I feel like there isn't any other choice. Your heads on my shoulder. I have my head resting on top of yours. Your arm is wrapped around the base of my ribcage. I have my arm over you. I'm dying to know what she's thinking. Before I can ask her, the realisation shoots through me that I've never been loved in the way I've always wanted to be-romantically, platonically; I've always been aching for a conection of safety and caring, but always being the one who ended up in the role of protector. I really wonder if this could have a potential for a role reversal where I taste the flavor that I crave? I want to know what the next morning will bring; especially when we don't have to wake up early. My sleep schedule has been all over lately. Sleeping in the afternoon. Falling asleep later or not wanting to sleep at all. I want to have time where where I can get my thoughts. I've been chronicalling more now. I'm not taking shit from anyone anymore. I'm redefinig my boundaries, pushing through my comfort zone and pushing out anyone who stands in my way. It's time that I took control of my own destiny. I wanna explore the mysteries of life. I wanna know what it feels live to believe. I need to know what certain things mean. It feels like I'm on the ledge between paranoia and reality. How many people feel lie they walk this same balance? More than ever I've been questioning morality, what it means to be human and why he have certain urges if they only lead to our eternal destruction? I'm the king of me, so it's time to put on the crown and stop questioning myself. I can't let my history define me, yet I'm looking to the past for answers to things of the future. "Certamentepasserà qui su di me sicuramente non mi rimarrà quasi niente, tornerò alla verità ma latente la tua voce suonerà, suonerà… Chiaramente poco tempo durerà e velocemente l’impazienza prima o poi scomparirà nella mia mente tutto si cancellerà però latente la tua voce, la tua voce giocherà." I don't want to wake up and be at war with the mirror anymore. I don't want to be my worst enemy; after all, who needs real enemies when all you can do is hate yourself. This runs deeper than mental illness, than shyness and self doubt. There is something corrupted in my being that I need to fix. That I have been fixing. I never new the extent until I wanted to dig further than I ever have before. Not that I only scratched the surface before, but there are more layers to me than I ever new before. I was stupid to believe that I could find myself inside of another person-I was young. Maybe I was just looking to see what I really looked like. Did I have to hate the person that I saw on the inside if I saw reflection inside of another? Maybe it was nothing more than the human urge to find comfort in likeness. I'm not looking for external comfort anymore. Time and time again it's only led to disappointment, schadenfreude and an emotional agony that left me on the edge of the abyss. Underneath it all, people have always been a dissapointment. And I don't think its because I have too high a standard. Laying in bed on a snow day, paws intertwined with that of my dog is just what I needed. He and I watch the snowflakes dance behind panes of glass, while the silence of the snow echos over the street below. Safe from the permiating cold, he's cuddled in next to me and I could just lay here until time grinds to a hault. Not that I want the world to pass me by, I just want that safe, calm for more than just a few hours at a time. I want to bathe in that emotional comfort that has always been such a rare treat for me. I'm more apt to trust an animal than a human being. They trust instincts, feel the surroundings and let the moment vibrate through their being, much like I do. I fell asleep dreaming of candy floss. Soon I'll be lost in the crowds, be carried away by a voice that reminds me of a different time...will it help me to sort out some of the hidden truths? Will I find nuggets of wisdom or will I just find the familiar stains of heart break? I can't help but feel as if I'm at a cross road. Is it the one that I was asking for, just not in the way that I expected it? <