Philly Bound

It's 530am and I'm sitting in a train station. I've got a Coke Zero, Elton John in my headphones and my usual anxiety in my back pocket. It brings back memories of when I used to tour a lot more. The darkness cloaks the city, the thick and rainy clouds dimming any light sorce within sight. We board the train quickly and within 10 minutes, we are pulling out of the station, southbound into the stormy morning. I hope that I'm leaving the weather behind, but I won't hold my breath on that. I won't let a little thing like rain get in the way of a trip I've been looking forward to for months. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I needed a break from everything. Rain drops splash against the train windows; the streams of water along the sides of the windows almost have a silver gleam against the blackness outside. It's comforting. Almost like a warm duvet wrapped around your shoulders on a cool autumn day. The Rolling Stones 'You Can't Always Get What You Want" plays as we cross one of the many statelines we're about to cross today. I pop the edibles a mate of mine made and settle in, waiting for them to work their magic on me. I glance around at all the other people in the train car and wonder where they're going and why. I wonder what brought us together at this exact moment and time. Not one two people the same, no two destinations the same and yet here we are, sharing a reality, an experience. When we arrive in Hartford, the train grinds to a sharp holt, jerking everyone around in their seats. I hope the woman driving the train doesn't drive a car like this. But who am I kidding, she probably does. And that's not me knocking on female drivers, I know a few men who are worse than the shittest women drivers. A few people board and we're off racing as the sky begings to turn a stone grey colour. The tear rops from the clouds have subsided for now, giving me a clear view of the rivers and mountrains we're snaking through as we leave the inner city. Heading into New York City I'm wanting to watch Law and Order SVU, but on Hulu I catch sight of Get Him to the Greek and I'm sold right away. It'm plunged back into nostolgia of Barb and me going to the cinema to see the film. I'm pretty sure it was the hardest I've ever witnessed her laugh. I feel a different type of sadness wash over me as we pull into Grand Central Station. She loved this city so much. Memories of our visits to New York City play in flashes behind my eyes. That's the one down side about the haze of intoxication; sometimes it only magnifies these thoughts. I suppose it strips away all the anxiety associated with the memories away and confronts me in a way humanity never has been able to. I don't want reruns and history to get the best of me. Down in Trenton I read the graffiti under the train bridges. Some feature musicians such as Amy Winehouse and Juice World. I look into the sadness in their eyes and find it reflected in my own. That same desperation of escape...and that's why I'm on the train today. Putting hundreds of miles between me and home has always been a solution to my problems. Jumping around, overbooking travel and tour just to get away. It's more than just a desire to learn and explore...Beyond the portraits there in pale pink and green "Where is Jeff?" I couldn't help but wonder who was he and why were they asking where he was. Was it a joke? Or was he missing? Did he run away or was he snatached up never to be seen again? Things like this cause my mind to wander over endless possibilites of loss and why it means different things to different people. I examin my own thoughts and feelings on the subject. I think about that friend of mine who was murdered. And the guy I liked who grew up to be a murderer. Interesting the paths we take. THe masks we wear and how we're always seen in a different way by everyone else. I never thought I'd grow up to turn out how I did, but here I am. Consequences of upbringing, biology and of course, personal drive. I wonder what they'd think seeing their images there for the world to see. Seeing a mirror image of oneself in painted form must be something both satisfying and surreal. I begin to think about all that I've created, what I've done and what will be left behind when I die. I can't shake these thoughts; even with the thrill of a holiday coming up. Suicidal thoughts are crawling through me, infecting every positive thought. Something is stripping me of my serotonin more than usual. I'm taking the fucking pills too. I just hope that my anxiety, self-doubt and severe depression don't get in the way of me destressing. It feels almost like a mixed episode. I can't sleep- I'm driven and working o projects, typing, thinking, watching, but at the same time, I can't stop thinking that everything and anything is pointless, there is no reason to do whatever it is we do and that no one will ever care that I went on this trip, not even me. I start to feel guilt for needing to take pictures. It's a warped sense of guilt, mo, not really guilt, but more shame? Not exactly shame, but a nice blend of the two I'd say. I need to see it. I need to know that it was real, that I did these things. I need to prove it to myself and to others...and to some degree show the world that I'm not the loser that I was when I was young. That is one wound that never healed, even 20 years later, it still throbs at the least convient of times. The station is beautiful. Grand Central Station in Philadelphia has some amazing marble and stone work. I capture the moment through the lense of my camera, wishing that I had about 8 more eyes to take everything in. I love to explore things from different perspectives and in different lights. I wonder what other people think when they arrive in the train station and look out into the Great Hall. I won't even let the drizzles get to me. I need to sleep. I'm exhausted. I've been going both barrels lately, drawing, writing, work. I've been waking up every morning at 3 am, reagardless of when I've fallen asleep. I need to lay down before I go out to the cinema tonight or I'll never make it. With a full tummy and the Sandman's magic sedating me, I make it to the renal and quickly find myself asleep in the amazingly comfortable bed. I can't make the room any darker, but I'm too worn down to care. I wake up hours later, but still before the alarm to a grey light peeking in at me from behind the blinds. The house is silent. It feels like I'm the only one here, but I don't think that's true. Part of me just wants to stay asleep, but the other half of me knows that I need to get up for the cinema. I feel the high running through my veins as the lights in the theatre dim. I'm cuddled into my over-sized hoodie as the opening credits roll. I feel the fatigue in my veins mingling with THC molecules, but I need to stay awake. The mist lingers over the trees in Costa Rica, making me think of the thick layer of fog that I witnessed lingering over the skyscrapers of the city. Watching Michael's struggle for a cure, wanting a cure because his disease is killing him struck a cord with me. It resonated through my cells, every fibre of my being was standing up to scream "I know what that is like!" I know that my stoned ass is probably going to have nightmares after watching this, although I'm usually fine with supernatural horror. Every once in a while, that's the one thing that hangs me up. Never regular good old-fashioned homicides. Sleep like a baby to that, but supernatural shit? I don't always do so well, that lack of control and lack of knowledge around the supernatural-that air of the unknown sometimes sparks my paranoia. The action, Leto's acting and the combination of special affects did it for me. I can't wait to see how it ties into the Spiderman Universe. I kinda hope that Spiderman needs to team up with Morbius and Venom to defeat some crooks. Though if I had to pick, Venom would be my top out of all of them. I need to buy Venom II, I keep forgetting. I did get tickets to see Dr Strange in May so that's another thing I have to look forward to. CHECK OUT MY LAST BLOG WHERE I ANNOUNCE I'M LAUNCHING A SAND SANITISER AND CANDLE LINE! PRE-ORDER INFORMATION IN THE BLOG!