The Promotion & The Scandal

This wasn't the way that I wanted to return to blogging after taking a 6-month hiatus from it. I thought that I wanted time to focus on new goals and ideas for the long, branching out in new ways and putting new content out there, but when I really sat down and thought about it, I realised I was withdrawing from blogging because I didn't enjoy it anymore. The entire experience from getting an idea, to either doing the recipe, creating the drawing or bringing to life a new story idea that had bounced around my head for ages used to be exciting; It used to be something that I looked forward to doing. It wasn't just a job or a little hobby. It was something that I deeply loved doing ever since I started 3 years prior. In that short time, I amassed well over 500 blogs, covering a large range of topics. 

I've always struggled with depression and mood swings. The blog was one thing that I used as a way to vent my frustrations, address my suicidal feelings and reach out for a sort of community comfort in knowing there were people who felt exactly like I did. It wasn't about views or popularity, sure the views are nice, but what I wanted was connection and people truly enjoying the things I was sharing. 

I'm wrapped up in a blanket wearing oversized jim-jams on a Sunday afternoon watching rain droplets splash against my windows. I'm exhausted. There has been so many changes in my life. From work to my personal life. Firstly, I finally got a promotion at work. I fought tooth and nail for it, but now I'm not so sure that it's what I wanted. I'm not paid my worth. I'm constantly used. 

Honestly, I feel like there is no point in even working there anymore. The abuse and bullshit that I have put up with from management (both previously and currently) co-workers and customers has been unreal. I've been hit my employees, groped by employees, rubbed on my customers, screamed at by customers, screamed at by employees, had things thrown at me, had slurs and insults slung at me and yet, these people still have jobs and these people are still allowed in the store. Where is MY protection? Cooperate wants to push a fair and equal work place that is safe for all people, why the fuck isn't my store one of them? Why do I have to work with someone whos felt me up, underlings who've yelled at me and refused to do as instructed and another one who's hit me? 

And now I have to write a statement for HR and possible face repercussions for telling him to do his fucking job? When once again he didn't do as he was asked, became hostile and began screaming at me? He makes a scene on the sales floor, yells profanity in front of customers and other employees, throws things in the back office and he's not fire?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? What kind of management is this? "Well, I wanted to get his side of the story." What fucking story? This is what happened. The entire stock team witnessed this and there's some doubt as to how it was handled? Nothing was said to this unstable employee who's been given more than enough chances. The only thing that should have been said to him is "GOOD BYE." End of fucking debate. He's throwing things and slamming things yet I may be forced to still have to work with him? He wants to open up that Pandoras Box, I'll slam him into the fucking ground. Why should my personal safety and mental health be put at risk because this animal can't control himself? I don't understand the logic behind this. Like where is the fucking mystery?? 

I honestly feel like there is no protection there for me as a manager and as a co-worker. Once again I'm being told to eat shit while I go above and beyond for this store and put up with all the other shit that they've ignored. I'm being pushed to my breaking point. If I do finally snap and kill myself, it will be 100% the fault of my employer who has not defended me, allowed out of control employees to continue working there and stressing me to my absolute limit by not maintaining company standards/policies and working me to the point of exhaustion. See you in Hell. 

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Now I've been working on this blog for a little bit now, debating if I should post it or not. I've gone back and forth with myself and I even opened up to my therapist and several close friends about this. The mixed responses were stunning. A few were mad. A few were worried, but not worried enough to really actively engage with me. I don't know what I've done wrong in a past life to lack what I desperately want and constantly cry out for. I'm killing myself and for what? I've always pulled myself out of the ground. I don't know if I can do it again. 
I want to talk about the response of my therapist because her reaction has weighed on me for almost a week now. "It's not their fault if you kill yourself." Actually, it is. It's the final straw. The thing that tipped me over the edge. Just how she said it rubbed me the wrong way. It felt as if she felt I was in the wrong for feeling the way that I did and that she was trying to absolve the company and people that have fucked me over for so long of any wrongdoing. I don't think that she has any depth of experience with this. I don't think she understands how I'm trapped. How I feel just so worn down. It's made me think about even wanting to continue with therapy. 

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And the plot thickens with my job. I found out from a reliable source that my complaints to HR among other things were never actually turned in. Not one thing I reported to superiors was ever put through to the people that it needed to. My boss didn't want to deal with it. He wanted an easier life so I've been left out in the cold, forced to work with these animals? I've had it. I've already reached out seeking legal counsel for what I can do regarding the situation. And here's the kicker-Remember earlier how I was asked to write a statement for HR? Turns out the head didn't want it even going to HR, because then he'd be forced to act. And the truth would come out. He lied to me- told me that I would be in trouble or worse because I said fuck to an employee while he was out of control. Actually, I don't feel that I did anything wrong. Personally, I think that he deserves to have both his legs broken for the constant disrespect, lack of following orders and the constant bullshit with him. But of course, CHUCKIE protects him and all these other scumbags. I don't understand the logic. Pure laziness. Never again. He's opened up a war that he doesn't want to. I'm literally on the verge of exploding. No one is listening or taking me seriously. Now they all will pay. He also lied to me about my sexual misconduct allegations. I found the fucking statement I wrote jammed in paperwork in the office. It took all my self-control not to kick a hole in the office wall. He doesn't respect me. I'm a joke to him. He uses me. And I think it's because of my gender identity.